1. Go on Wednesday or Friday evening (they're open to 9:45 pm). Or else Christmas Eve; you'll have the place to yourself.
2. Buy your ticket online, and pick it up at a FNAC store.
3. Don't go through the crystal pyramid; try the Passage Richelieu, off the Rue de Rivoli.
4. Skip the Big Sights. The Mona Lisa looks like the Mona Lisa, and the Venus de Milo looks like the Venus de Milo. Target!
People have been going to the Louvre for beefcake since 1793. In the 1920s, Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald spent afternoons looking at the penises on statues.
Here's a perfect 3-hour beefcake tour.
7:00 pm: Go up two flights to the Second Floor, and the German, Dutch, and Flemish paintings. Finding the beefcake here takes a little work, so it's best to do it at the start, when you're not tired yet. Look for Malouel's round Pieta with the naked Jesus, Carl Van Loo's portrait of Neptune, and Van Dyck's Amor and Psyche. About 20 minutes.
More after the break
About 40 minutes.
8:15 Turn right again to the Denon Wing, and the Italian Renaissance paintings. Jesus on the cross, Pietas, Saint Sebastians, miscellaneous saints, demons, and muscle gods from everyday life.
You're looking for Magegna's Martyrdom of St. Sebastian, the androgynous John the Baptist of Leonardo da Vinci, Perugino's St. Jerome Supporting Two Men on the Gallows, Clovio's Rape of Ganymede. About 45 minutes.
9:30 pm: Believe me, you don't want to spend more than three hours at any museum, or you'll come down with image overload. Retrace your steps (the best part of any museum visit) to leave through the Passage Richelieu.
Til't Sauna (41 Rue Sainte-Anne) to look at real-life penises.
See also: A Beefcake Tour of France and A Beefcake Tour of the Musee d'Orsay.