Dec 1, 2014

Cruising Preachers, Priests, Monks, and Rabbis

I have always been attracted to clergy.  There's something about a devotion to the spiritual world that makes your presence in the physical world especially erotic.  Maybe the paradoxical juxtaposition of muscles and Bibles, penises and prayer.

When I was a kid, I watched the preacher up on his podium three times a week, pacing and pounding his Bible and screaming until his brown business suit was soaked with sweat and you could glimpse his tight, hairy chest underneath.

At Nazarene summer camp, I saw my Sunday school teacher, Brother Dino, naked in the shower, and got a nice view of of the Gospel-singing Sanderson Brothers peeing in the woods.

My first real boyfriend was a student preacher.

My goal is to date, hook up with, or at least see a religious leader in each of the major religious groups.

1. Roman Catholic.  I dated a Traditional Catholic monk, and I might have hooked up with a priest in New York, but I'm not sure. He was vague about it.

2. Eastern Orthodox.  No Romanian Orthodox monks, such as pose for those erotic-religious calendars, but I dated a former Greek Orthodox priest with a pushy mom.

3. Evangelical Christian.  Lots of ex-evangelicals.  Alan, the first guy I dated seriously in West Hollywood, was a Pentecostal minister.  But no practicing ones, unless you count glimpses of a Baptist boy in the act.

4. Mormon.  Who wouldn't want to invite those pairs of missionaries into your house to discuss the Angel Moroni, the Golden Plates, and sacred underwear?  I dated a Mormon guy, but never a missionary.

5. Hindu.  Does a a follower of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi count?

6. Buddhist.  There are no professional clergy in Buddhism, but a hot orange-robed monk would be a good substitute.

7. Pagan.  They don't really have professional clergy, but I've dated Wiccans.

8. Sikh.  A Sikh guy used to work out at Barney's gym in Florida, and I managed to get a sausage sighting.

9. Jewish.  I had a Jewish partner for 10 years, and hooked up with several other Jewish guys, but no rabbis.  Not even any rabbinic students.

10. Muslim.   The holy grail of clergy-cruising.  Not only is Islam notoriously homophobic, but there aren't many Muslims in the U.S., and even fewer imams (you can have a congregation without one).  I've been with Muslim guys, but I never even came close to cruising an imam, not even during my semester in Turkey.

See also: Brother Dino in the Shower; The Sanderson Boys Get Naked; and The Top 10 Public Penises of Islam