Jul 12, 2015

10 Good Stories for Gay Dating

Everyone should have a repertoire of 10 good stories, 5 to use when cruising or meeting new people in general, and 5 to use on a date.  Remember the rules:
1. They should be short.
2. They should present you in a positive light, but not resort to bragging.
3. Nothing harsh or extremely unpleasant (minor annoyances are ok).
4. No discussions of how different things were when you were a kid (especially if you're over 40).
5. No complaining.
6. No explicit sex.
7. No long, tedious coming-out stories.
8. No religion or politics (save controversy until you know them better).
9. If it's a date, no ex-boyfriends.  If you have to mention them, call them "friends."
10. And make them interesting!

Ok, here are some more stories.  Which would be appropriate for a first date?

(These are just outlines; the actual stories will be longer.)

A. When I was a kid, my boyfriend Bill's big brother took us to an Indian Pow-Wow.  After awhile, we got bored, and took a walk through the woods, and saw one of the teenage performers,   Naked!  He saw us and screamed, and we ran back to the Pow Wow, terrified!

B. When I was a kid, A&W had 4 kinds of hamburgers: Papa, Mama, Teen, and Baby.  We usually got the Teen burger.  But one day when Dad was taking us out as a special treat, my boyfriend Bill and I ordered Papa burgers.  My brother pointed out that we couldn't both be Papas, so we decided that I would be a Papa and Bill would be a Mama.  Dad insisted that we order Teen burgers!

Answer: B.
B requires some explanations, but the gender-polarization is interesting, and Dad doesn't come across as negative, just confused.  A. doesn't go anywhere: we see a naked guy, the end.

A. When I was in college, one of my professors held a handcuff party every semester for his advanced students.  Anybody who wanted could get handcuffed -- guys only!  I wanted to go, but it was only for students, so I enrolled in his advanced Paleontology class, and got invited to the party. I ended up handcuffing the professor!

B. When I was in college, I liked a cute nerd named Haldor.   I talked him into a contest to see who could get the most dates (with girls!).  I won, but as a "consolation prize," I invited Haldor along on our dates, and afterwards convinced him to come back to my room -- which was my plan all along!

Answer: A
The handcuff party is interesting, and easy to understand.  The dating contest requires too much explanation (why did you date girls?  were you bisexual?), and paints me in a negative light, since I basically manipulated Haldor into bed.


A. When I was living in Florida, I used to go to the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam, limited to guys with super-sized endowments.  A super-sized bodybuilder named Janik invited me to come live with him, but he was from a small town in Friesland where there was nothing to do but drink and watch sports, so I eventually I got bored and went home.

B. When I was living in Florida, my roommates bet me that I couldn't get a straight friend to figure it out without having an actual "coming out" conversation.  I tried hint after hint, but he continued to believe that I was heterosexual.  Even saying "That guy is totally hot!" didn't do it.  After I finally admitted defeat and "came out," he said "I had no idea!  You hide it so well!"

Answer: B.

A doesn't really have much plot: the guy was cute but we didn't get along.  And being admitted to the Horseman's Club sounds like bragging.  B. has an interesting plot and a good punchline.

A. When I was a kid, I visited my Cousin George in South Carolina.  We took baths together, and slept naked, because, he said "Only fools wear pajamas."  Many years later, I was driving through South Carolina, and decided to look him up.  His family wasn't in contact with him, but I finally tracked him down in Georgia -- he was gay, with a boyfriend -- who knew all about "only fools wear pajamas"!

B. When I was in Florida, a high school bodybuilder kept hitting on me.  I was 44 and he was 18, but my roommate Barney talked me into giving it a try. Things were ok, except for the huge cultural difference, such as Green Day.  So I called it off, and Barney immediately asked him out!

Answer: A.
B is mostly about the age difference, not terribly interesting, and it's about an ex-boyfriend. A is about Cousin George knowing that he was gay as a youngster, much more interesting.


A. When I was teaching in Texas, one of my students came running into the classroom late, wearing gym clothes, and started taking them off!  First his shirt, then his pants!  He then put on his street clothes.  I asked what he was doing, and he said "I didn't want to be late!"

B. College students don't realize that professors can see everything they are doing at their desks.  There's a lot of erotic daydreaming going on! Usually I just ignore it, but a guy named Raheem was grabbing himself so blatantly that I sent him an email warning him that what he thought was private really wasn't.  He thanked me and stopped  -- but he continued to tent through the semester, which was just as distracting!

Answer: B
This is a tough call, but in the end A is about inexplicable behavior, so not very interesting.   B is about something that happens to every guy, and it has a good punchline. Mentioning penises is usually a problem but in this case ok, since it's somebody else's penis, and no vulgar terms are used.

See also: 15 Rules of Gay Dating and 5 Things to Talk About While Cruising.