Jan 23, 2015

10 Good Stories for Gay Cruising

Everyone should have a repertoire of 10 good stories from their past, 5 to use for cruising, impressing potential dates, or meeting new people in general, and 5 more to use during dates.

Selecting good stories takes some thought.

1. They should take no more than 2 minutes to tell, and require no extensive explanations or"set up":
2, They should present you in a positive light, but not so positive that they seem like bragging.
3. No depictions of death, disease, homophobia, racism, or anything unpleasant.
4. No depictions of how different things used to be when you were a kid.
5. No complaining about anyone or anything. It puts you in a negative light.
6. Kissing and cuddling are ok, but no depictions of penises or sexual activity.
7. Long, tedious coming out stories used to be part of every first meeting in gay communities. Not anymore.  Avoid them, unless yours is particularly fascinating.
8. They should not involve religion or politics.  Save these topics until you know the person better.
9. And, above all, the stories should be interesting!

Got all that?

Time for a pop quiz.  Which of these stories is appropriate for cruising or meeting new people in general?  (These are just the outlines; the actual stories will be longer).

A. When I was little, I had a Book of Cute Boys, but my father got mad, thinking that it might indicate gayness, and grabbed it and threw it out the car window.

B. When I was little, I wanted to feel the muscles of a Bodybuilder on the Beach, and my mother said "Someday you'll have muscles, and the girls will all like you!"  But I wanted boys to like me.

Answer: B.
A. makes Dad look violent and borderline abusive, but B.just makes fun of Mom's heterosexist misinterpretation of the incident.



A.  When I was a kid, my Uncle Paul told us to never go near the peat bog behind the cornfield, because a Naked Man lived there, and he would eat us.  But one day my cousins and I went back there hunting for alligators, and sure enough, a Naked Man jumped out of the cornfield.

B. When I was a kid, our preacher said that the 1969 Moon Landing would be the start of the Rapture, when all of the Christians would go up to heaven.  My boyfriend Dan and I were worried that one of us would be taken up, and the other left behind.

Answer: A
A. has nudity, but it's not risque.  B. requires too much set-up about fundamentalist beliefs, it draws attention to the fact that I remember the year 1969, and there's no punchline: the Rapture didn't come.



A, During my freshman year in college, I worked at the Carousel Snack Bar in the mall, with the boss from hell: vulgar, abusive, condescending, and fond of sexual harassment.  To make matters worse, at least twice a day, he would grab a magazine and do things in the bathroom.  So we played a trick on him, forcing him to Reveal His Trouser Snake.

B. During my freshman year in college, my friend Mary asked me to determine whether her brother was gay.  He told me that he had a girlfriend who lived in another state and rarely visited.  Then we spent the night together.  I reported back to Mary that he was definitely straight.

Answer: B.
A. is too risque, and puts the boss in a negative light.  B merely plays with Mary's naivete.



A. When I was in grad school in Bloomington, my boyfriend Jimmy accidentally invited his homophobic friend to my Halloween party.  When he found out we were gay, he started saying things like "It's a choice!", so I "chose" to be straight, saying "boobs!" and drinking 1 1/2 cans of beer.  But when he started abusing one of my guests, I poured the rest of my beer on his head.  That's why I've had only 1 1/2 cans of beer in my life.

B. When I was in grad school in Bloomington, my friend Viju and I tried to figure out if our professor was gay.  Viju tried the "confessing a sexual crisis" approach, I tried complementing him on his physique.  My strategy worked.

Answer: B
A. is too long, with too many characters, and gives me some internalized homophobia.  B. is shorter, and doesn't involve bragging: notice that I didn't display my physique.


A. When I lived in West Hollywood, my friend Alan could get any guy he wanted, with no exceptions.  Usually this was a pain, but one night at Mugi, I had just convinced a guy named Tranh to go to dinner with me, when a celebrity came in and stole him away.  In a moment, they were kissing!  So Alan zoomed in, easily stole Tranh away from the celebrity, and said "Oh, by the way, Boomer will be there too."

B. When I lived in West Hollywood, I ran into a celebrity at the post office. We dated for about three months, but when his friends started calling me "the boyfriend" and suggesting that we move in together, he ended it.

Answer: A
A. makes Alan the hero, and has a humorous "punchline."  B. makes the celebrity boyfriend the villain, and just kind of fizzes out at the end.

See also: and 15 Simple Rules of Gay Cruising and 10 Good Stories for Gay Dating.