Nov 1, 2015

My Sausage List

I am particularly attracted to guys who are gifted beneath the belt, but I've never rejected someone for having a Vienna Sausage.  Small can be just as nice, and in many situations it does the job better.

Besides, by the time I get around to checking, the guy has already won me over with his winning smile, sparkling conversation, or body by Michelangelo.

But bigger has a definite aesthetic appeal.  And when you get together with friends and swap stories, like fisherman bragging about their biggest "catch",  it's never about Vienna Sausages.  It's all about Polska Kielbasa:

"I dated a guy so big that he could fold it in half."

"That's nothing -- my ex-boyfriend was so big that he had to have an extra lining put into his pants all the way down to the knee."

"Back in the Village, I dated a guy who was so big that he could sit on the bed and use it to turn off the tv."

So here are the 15 biggest "sausages" I ever "cooked" (up to 2009).

Only guys I actually went on dates with -- no glimpses in the shower room or cruising at the sauna.

I'll use the following scale:
Bratwurst: memorable, 7-8"
Kielbasa: super-sized, 8-9"
Mortadella: the stuff of dreams, 9-10"
Kovbasa: Are you kidding? 10+"

1. Peter, the Orthodox priest with the pushy Mom.  We dated when I was a senior in college.  I hadn't been with many guys at the time, so I didn't realize how remarkable he was beneath the belt. Mortadella+

2.Dick, my grade school bullyWe met at JR's in Rock Island, when I was back home for Christmas in 1984, and got together whenever I returned for the next few years. Kielbasa+

3. Carl
 (left) the cowboy cop, who didn't approve of guys who believed in God. We dated briefly in Houston in 1984. Kovbasa

West Hollywood
4. Alan, formerly a Pentecostal Porn Star (top photo).  When we met, he was Student Clergy at the Metropolitan Community Church.  We dated in 1985, just after I moved to West Hollywood. Bratwurst

5. T, the thug wannabe who Alan and I met at the Catch One in Los Angeles. Mortadella+

6. Mohammed, the doctor who came by for a house call on Christmas Eve.  Mortadella

7. Halil, a Turkish bodybuilder who I met during my semester in Ankara in 1989.  He had a girlfriend, but still invited me to share his bed at a bodybuilding competition in Istanbul. Kielbasa+

New York

8. Garan.  We
 met in San Sebastian in 1999, when Yuri and I went to the Basque Country of Spain in search of the world's biggest penis.  He actually asked Yuri for the date, and was surprised but accommodating when I showed up, too. Kielbasa

9. Blake, who I dated in New York in the fall of 1998, and performed the "roommate switch" on. (left) Mortadella+

10. Joe, the roommate of Blake
, a "regular guy" who I dated for about a year. Bratwurst+

11. Peter.  
An undergraduate sociology major of Filipino ancestry, short and very slim.  My professor set us up, at Long Island in 2001.  We dated a few times.  Bratwurst

12. Jermaine, the Biggest Guy on My Sausage List: a very cute Harvard undergrad who I met in Boston in 2001.  He  had the annoying habit of asking "Who's your daddy?" every five seconds, even though I was substantially older. But he made up for it with his intellect, and with his Kovbasa+++++

13. Matt, a 20-something security guard (left) We dated for a few months in Florida in 2002, until Troy the retiree stole him away.  Bratwurst

14, Victor, the guy from Brazil who turned out to be a drag queen. Bratwurst+

15. Janik, from at the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam in 2003.  He invited me to live with him in a small town in Friesland. I only lasted a few days. Mortadella


16. Farshad  from Morocco.  We met in France in 2007. Mortadella+

17. Ari, the linguist in Dayton in the fall of 2007, who was cute and everything, but wouldn't shut up. Kielbasa


18. The Satyr, one of the The Gang of 12 from Upstate New York.  We had one date in the fall of 2008, and then I switched to his boytoy/roommate/boyfriend (who must have felt like a muppet). Kovbasa+

19. Troy, the French major who I lived with for four years. Kielbasa.


20. Jimmy, the Boy Toy.  Or rather the roommate of my two platonic friends.  I expected a night of "sharing" but got a date.  Kielbasa

21. Luke, the truck driver who looked exactly like my dad's old navy buddy.  Mortadella.

22. Christian, the Johns Hopkins student I hooked up with in Baltimore  Kielbasa.

The full list, with uncensored photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

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