Here are my 10 biggest suggestions;
1. Cousin Joe, my older cousin, whose Kielbasa+ I glimpsed in the bathroom when I was seven years old. "I didn't think you were gay when you said 'The President's not cute!' I had no idea until you moved to West Hollywood! But thanks for the free publicity -- tell your female readers that I'm single and available!"
my best friend from Indiana University, who took me to my first gay bar and competed with me over pecs: "You make it sound like all we ever did was have sex! Why don't you tell them about the time we climbed onto the roof of Ballantine Hall and almost got arrested?"
3. Dick, my old bully, who I hooked up with at Christmastime during my terrible year in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas: "I didn't live anywhere near Dewey's Candy Store, and I was never into guns! Why don't you tell them about my relationship with Jack? We've been together for thirteen years."
4. My celebrity boyfriend: "You make me sound too superficial -- it was a mutual breakup! But thanks for not outing me! By the way, why didn't you put me on your Sausage List? I'm bigger than most of those guys!"
5. Ryan, with whom I had the Worst Date in West Hollywood History: "We only did about half of those things! And who says it was the worst date in West Hollywood history? I had a great time!"
7. Blake, the Manhattan opera buff who was the subject of my "roommate switch": "Was that real? I had no idea that you were so devious! And you are wrong about Yuri and I -- we dated for about three months! By the way, I should go much farther down on your Sausage List. I'm definitely a Kovbasa+!"
that hurricane party, not just five! Yuri never had to spend the night with you and your date. And why didn't you put me on your Sausage List? I'm bigger than most of the guys on it!"
9. Chad, the waiter at the Neptune who was living with the Satyr in Upstate New York: "You got the relationship all wrong. We joked around a lot, but we were just roommates, not some weird houseboy thing."
10. The Rapper, the ex-lover of the crying Truck Driver in Upstate New York: "I never wanted to become a rapper -- that was just for fun. I'm mostly into jazz, with a little classical. And why didn't you put me on your Sausage List? I'm bigger than most of those guys! Tell you readers I'm a Mortadella+++!"