Jul 13, 2015

How To Date Younger Guys (When You're Over 40)

Ever since I turned 40, some fourteen years ago, I have a simple strategy for getting dates or hookups with twinks (guys under age 30):

1. Go to wherever they are.
2. Wait 30 seconds for one to approach and say "Take me home, please!"
3. If he's not attractive enough, politely refuse, and wait 30 seconds for the next.

But I've gotten lots of comments from other guys in the 40+ range:
"I can't get a date!  Nobody will give a guy over 40 a chance!"
"It's awful!  Nobody wants me!"
"Guys over 40 are shunned!"

After extensive thought about why their experiences are so different from my own, I think I've figured out the problem.  Here are 10 easy steps to hooking up with or dating twinks (first step: never call them that):

1. Ask yourself, "Why a young guy?"

What do younger guys have to offer that guys your age do not?  

Handsome faces, muscular chests, substantial beneath-the-belt gifts?  Some younger guys have these qualities, some don't.  And drop by any gym at 10:00 am to find retirement-aged gym rats with 18" biceps.

A high energy level?  Sexual inexperience?  A sense of wonder and excitement at the world?  Again, some younger guys have these qualities, some do not, and some older guys do.

The answer is: you don't want a twink, necessarily.  You're looking for certain qualities in a guy, regardless of age.

If you go out looking specifically for someone under 30, you're bound to fail.

2. Ask yourself, "Why me?"

What do you have to offer a 25-year old that guys his own age do not?  A hairy chest, sexual expertise, wisdom, maturity, an intimate knowledge of gay history and culture?  Play on your strengths.

Don't discount having money -- you don't need to be a sugar daddy, but theater tickets followed by dinner at the Gilded Truffle will open many bedrooms.

Just having a place to go can be enticing to guys living in dorm rooms or with their parents.

3. Get thee to a gym.

Younger guys tend to stereotype the older generation based on the heterosexual model, where men play sports in college, then spend the rest of their lives sitting on the couch eating potato chips and drinking beer.  They think old and fat are identical.  Give them a glimpse of hard, lean muscle and watch them get all hot and flustered.

4. Act your age.

You want to have something to talk about, so keep up with the basics of contemporary youth culture (be careful -- it changes fast).  But don't try to adopt their clothing or slang.  He can talk about Taylor Swift and Beyonce with any of his friends; he wants you in spite of the fact that you had a crush on David Cassidy in 1971.  Or because of it.

5. Go to non-sexual venues.

Gay bars are where younger guys go to hang out with each other.  You will be an unwelcome interloper -- one of those lonely oldsters sitting on a barstool by himself staring wistfully at the Cute Young Things like Charlie Brown wishing the Little Red Haired Girl would talk to him.  

The only exceptions are bear and leather bars, where guys of all ages congregate.

You need a low-pressure, non-sexual environment to put you and the younger guy at ease.  Try gay social groups, political groups, Gay Pride Festivals, Gay Film Festivals, gay positive churches, Karaoke Night at the Gay Community Center, Open-Mike Night at a gay coffeehouse.

If there aren't any gay-specific venues near you, try college and community theater or ballet -- that 15-minute intermission is perfect for mingling. Or after the performance, congratulating the players.

Or the gym, There are always gay guys in search of a spotter.  

Or an individual sports competition, such as wrestling, martial arts, or track and field.

6. Go with friends.

Guys who are alone look -- well, lonely.  When you are with friends, you seem more vibrant, energetic, someone worth meeting.   

7. Do not cruise him.

"Cruising" is my generation's word for attempting to initiate a sexual liaison, by flirting, talking dirty, or just by making eye contact and then approaching.

Dont' do it -- you will be labeled a Creepy Old Guy.

Besides, when you initiate contact, you put yourself in a subordinate position: he has all of the power, to accept or reject you, to acknowledge your existence or give you Attitude.  You must retain control.  Wait for him -- he'll be there!

8. If in doubt, ask for an id.

Once I was asked out by a guy who I thought was in college.  When I got home, I looked him up online -- he was a sophomore in high school! Of course, no date happened!  If you don't know for sure that he's over 18, ask for an id. He won't mind -- he gets asked all the time. 

9. Prepare to be a top.

Many younger guys will approach you because they want someone to take charge, dominate them in the bedroom. A hint of bondage always turns them on.  Or at least being a top for backside activity.  You can tweak the roles and positions later, but for the first time, you'll have to break out the condoms, or there probably will be no second time.

10. Prepare for romance.

With the numerous apps available for quick hook-ups, younger guys may be acquiring all of the "one-hour stands" they want without your contribution.  They are looking for something else with older guys.  Maybe a power-control scene (see #9), maybe a permanent, monogamous relationship -- which nowadays often means marriage and children, even for gay men.

You may end up at the altar of a gay-friendly church nearby, with all of his relatives smiling at their new son-in-law.   

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