May 17, 2015

Yuri and the Unhung Hippie

Yuri came as my guest to a Sociology Department reception in the spring of 1999, and immediately saw Marcel parked by the buffet table, taking two, three, four helpings of quiche and tabouli with pita slices.

"The big guy there looks hot!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, you don't want to hook up with Marcel, trust me."

"Why not?  He has the four things."

Yuri liked them big, the bigger the better.  Hookups had to be at least a Bratwurst; he wouldn't accept a second date with anyone under Kielbasa; and the man of his dreams had the endowment of a Tom of Finland drawing.

Unfortunately, you can't tell from the basket -- it's often padded or invisible.  So, being a scientist, he developed a 4 Point Plan for Finding Super-Sized Guys,  If you met all four, you were in:
1. Height (tall)
2. Waist (small)
3. Hands (big)
4. Shoes (big).

Ok, Marcel had all four: he was very tall and lean, with big hands and big shoes.  But he also had a mountain-man beard, a blurry, dazed expression, and weird clothes: a flack jacket over a t-shirt with a bulls-eye painted on it, faded, frayed blue jeans, a flowered belt, and hiking boots. And you could smell the marijuana from five feet away.

"Marcel has been coming to department functions as long as anyone can remember," I told Yuri.  "No one seems to know who he is.  I heard a rumor that he was a grad student who had a nervous breakdown while writing his dissertation."

"I don't care about nervous!  I just care about if he's big!  Did you talk to him?  Is he gay?"

"I tried talking to him once.  Couldn't understand much of it.  He's sort of crazy.  I don't know if he's gay or not."

"Ok, let me try.  I'm good at getting guys."  It was true that Yuri's combination of an athletic physique and a handsome, almost angelic face got him a lot of attention.  He had been out for over a year, and hadn't been turned down once.  "Come, introduce us."

First Attempt:
We approached Marcel, who stared into space as if he was giving us Attitude in a cruise bar.

"Hi Marcel, you remember me -- Boomer.  And this is Yuri."

Yuri grinned and held out his hand.  "Nice to meet you."

"Hi!  Did you know that this is Malaysian Independence Day?" Marcel said.  "Hari Malaysia.  In 1963, Malaysia was formed out of the former British colonies, with prime minister Tunku Abdul Rahman, known as Bapa Kemerdekaan, or Father of Independence."

"That's cool.  Do you study Malaysia?"

"I'm planning to ride my bike to Sayville later.  All the twinks have left Fire Island -- I guess you can't be gay after Labor Day -- but it's still a nice ride, and St. Katherine's has a nice rummage sale.  You can come, but you have to beware of the bears."  He laughed at a secret joke.

The rest of the story, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood