Dec 25, 2015

My Worst, Best, and Most Erotic Christmases

I hate, hate, hate Christmas!  It's big, crowded, glaring, noisy, uncomfortable, loaded down with gut-busting cookies and candy and growling, nasty people who call you a Grinch if you're not ecstatic all the time.

I especially hate the long, crowded, delayed, cancelled flight back home to the Midwest, where I'm stuck in my old room, surrounded by the ghosts of Christmas past.

Where it's too cold to go out or I don't have a car, and all of my friends have moved away, so I'm stuck in the house, watching tv and having uncomfortable conversations with people I haven't seen since last year.

I left the gay world for this?

My Worst Christmases during the last 30 years have all involved traveling back to the Midwest.

1. 1985: Back from West Hollywood to hear my future brother-in-law talk about how everyone with AIDS should be shot.  In my absence, my boyfriend Alan hooks up with a Norwegian con artist.

2. 1988: My terrible dissertation committee has motivated me to flee the country for Turkey, but my crazy relatives worry about me living in tents and riding camels.

3. 1992: Nothing special, just infinite boredom, and some homophobic editorials in the local newspaper.

4. 1994: Too cold to leave the house.  AND I discover that my parents still have that darn photo of me with a girl on their dresser.  

5. 1997: Back in New York, I have two boyfriends, Yuri and Jaan.  How long will it take them to realize that they could be dating each other?

6. 2005: My friend Dick and his partner have moved to Denver: the last of my Rock Island friends. A very lonely visit.

7. 2006: I'm living in Dayton, just two hours away from Indianapolis, but still, artistic, neurotic Paul, one of my two closeted boyfriends, doesn't want to come home with me.  Someone might figure out.

8. 2008: I am dating Chad, the Satyr's boy toy, and dread leaving him home with the Satyr for two weeks.

And My Best Christmases have usually involved staying in the gay world.

1. 1987:
Too sick to go to the Midwest. My very hot Muslim doctor makes a housecall that turns into a date.  Then two.

2. 1989: Working at the Getty Consternation Institute, not enough time off to fly back to the Midwest.  Lane and I go to a Hanukah party, a bear part, Midnight Mass at a gay-friendly Catholic church, and Christmas breakfast at the French Quarter.

3. 1991: More of the same.

4. 1995: My first year in San Francisco.  We go to a bear party, a Gay Men's Chorus concert, and It's a Wonderful Life at the Castro Theater.  It is a wonderful life when you're living in San Francisco.

5. 1996:
More of the same, plus David and I go on a date with Santa Claus.

6. 2002: In Florida, I start dating the Young Republican just before Christmas, and prudently don't leave him behind for two weeks, surrounded by Florida beach boys.  It's 78 degrees on Christmas day.

7. 2004: The gift of the Magi:  Yuri and I exchange Christmas hookups AND spend a week in France.

8. 2010: Ok, for this one I went back to Indianapolis with Troy, my Upstate boyfriend, and introduced him to all of my "old" haunts.  

On the other hand, My Most Erotic Christmases have all been in Rock Island or Indianapolis.  I guess everyone is wowed by a sophisticated guy who lives in a gay mecca.  Or else I'm not the only one suffering from infinite boredom during a holiday visit with parents.

1. 1986: My ex-boyfriend Fred and I hit JRs together on Christmas Eve and bring home a ginger boy Fred knew in high school.

2. 1990: My friend Dick and I hit JRs in Rock Island on Christmas Eve, and meet the same guy!

3. 1993: I hook up with Brother Byron, the Church Treasurer of the Nazarene church when I was a kid.

4. 1998: In Indianapolis, I meet a guy who lives only five blocks from my parents' house.  Unfortunately, he's closeted.

5. 1999: A big holiday.  First, in Rock Island, I meet my old Sunday School teacher's stripper sons.  Then I spend New Year's Eve in Indianapolis, where Matt the Bartender uses the Y2K bug to trick me into his bed.

6. 2000: I bring Yuri home for Christmas, and we teach my 14-year old nephew the Gay Facts of Life.

7. 2001: I discover that Dick, my old bully, has been dating the pizza boy, who becomes my Christmas present.

8. 2003: My Uncle El dies on January 1st.  We go to Kentucky for his funeral, and I reunite with my Kentucky Kinfolk.  It's more erotic than it sounds.

The full list, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.