There are 6 basic emotions, 1 positive (happiness), 3 negative (sadness, anger, and disgust), and 2 which could be either (surprise, fear) The function of a movie, book, song, or other work of art is to elicit positive emotions, to make the audience feel better after viewing than they did before. So I don't understand movies that deliberately elicit sadness, anger, or disgust. Why would anyone want to watch something that makes you feel bad? Don't you get enough bad feelings in real life?
Here are 60 movies that I will never see, or that I saw and regretted.
No dying of long, slow, debilitating diseases. With scenes of yelling at doctors, reconciling with estranged relatives, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, and holding hands on death beds.
1. Terms of Endearment (1983). Shirley Maclain's daugher dies of cancer.
2. Beaches (1988). No one surfing or swimming, just Bette Midler singing and crying.
3. Steel Magnolias (1989). Women face tragedy in the South.
4. My Girl (1991). Boy falls in love with a dying girl.
5. Lorenzo's Oil (1992). Family tries to cure their dying son.
6. Stepmom (1998). Hugging and dying.
7. Here on Earth (2000). Boy's girlfriend dies.
8. Bridge to Terabithia (2007). With Josh Hutcherson (top, recent photo). They fool you into thinking it's a fantasy movie, like Harry Potter. It's actually about a boy befriending a dying girl.
9. Moulin Rouge (2008). Fortunately, I walked out because it was so awful long before the deathbed scene.
10. The Fault in Our Stars (2014). A support group for people dying of cancer.
11. An Early Frost (1985). Guy dies of AIDS.
12. Parting Glances (1986). Guy dies of AIDS.
13. Longtime Companion (1989). Guy dies of AIDS.
14. Philadelphia (1993). I was forced to watch this, but kept my nose in a book the whole time. Guy faces discrimination because he's dying of AIDS.
15. And the Band Played On (1993). The government refuses to acknowledge that people are dying of AIDS.
16. The Cure (1995). Guy dies of AIDS.
17. It's My Party (1996, left). AIDS and suicide! Fun!
18. Sophie's Choice (1982). She has to choose which of her kids to kill, and later gets a couple of boyfriends.
19. Schindler's List (1993). He helps some people escape from the Holocaust.
20. Life is Beautiful (1997). Set in a concentration camp. Are they kidding?
21. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas (2009). More concentration camp hijinks.
22. Easy Rider (1969). I saw this, not realizing that everybody dies, and the movie is ruined.
23. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969), What's the point of a homoerotic buddy "comedy" if they're just going to die at the end?
24. Thelma and Louis (1991). I watched this, too. No one told me that they go over a cliff.
25. Titanic (1997). I was conned into seeing the musical. Hint: they all drown.
26. The Perfect Storm (2000). They all drown.
27. Children of Men (2006). Everybody is dying.
28. Pan's Labyrinth (2006). Girl is dying.
29. Into the Wild (2007). He starves to death!
30. 28 Weeks Later (2007). Zombie movies are supposed to have survivors!
31. Burn After Reading This (2008). I went into this thinking it was a comedy, and walked out when Brad Pitt's comic relief character suddenly was shot to death.
32. Apollo 18 (2011). Dying astronauts.
No inmates on death row. You know they're going to die from the beginning. Why bother to watch?33. The Executioner's Song (1982).
34. Dead Man Walking (1995)
35. The Green Mile (1999)
No war. War is one of the biggest tragedies of life, not a source of entertainment! If the movie is about humorous hijinks far from the combat zone, ok. But angst-ridden, somber music, people dying of bullet holes -- no way! I don't care if the whole platoon struts around naked.
36. Platoon (1986)
37. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
38. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
39. We Were Soldiers (2002)
40. Dr. Strangelove (1965). Why would you yell "yahoo" while plummeting to your death on the back of a nuclear bomb? I actually saw this, under the impression that it was a "comedy." It's not.
41. Miracle Mile (1988). I actually saw this without realizing that the world ends -- until it was too late, and I was trapped there with a date.
42. 2012 (2009). A flood kills everybody on Earth, except for two hetero couples.
43. Cabin in the Woods (2012). I thought it would be a standard horror movie, with survivors at the end, not "the old gods awaken and start the Apocalypse," and everybody dies.
44. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012). A "comedy" about a man and a woman (of course) falling in love just before an asteroid kills everybody on Earth.
45. This is the End (2013). I actually watched this. Everybody dies,but some of them go to heaven.
46. Get Real (1998). I saw this, thinking it would be ok because no one dies. Horrible!
47. Boys Don't Cry (1999). Transman is killed.
48. The Laramie Project (2002). A movie about a real-life horrific hate crime! Just the thing to brighten your day.
49. Brokeback Mountain (2005). Bisexual cowboys facing homophobia and dying. No way!
50. The Miracle Worker (1962). I got grossed out by the passage in the book where the child Helen Keller doesn't eat at the table, she just goes from plate to plate and grabs whatever she wants.
51. Johnny Got His Gun (1971). A blind, deaf, and dumb quadriplegic?
52. Tommy (1975). A blind, deaf, and dumb boy, plus homophobia. I turned off the DVD and zapped it back to Netflix.
53. The Elephant Man (1980).
54. Mask (1985). I don't know what it's about, but it sounds gross.
55. My Left Foot (1989). This one sounded even more gross.
56. The Sessions (2012). A man living in an iron lung decides to have sex. Gross.
57. Harold and Maude (1971). I saw this one. Sickening romance between a teenage boy and an 80-year old lady. No, I don't think it's at all hypocritical that I'm 60 years old and dating twinks. Plus she commits suicide because she loves life so much. Huh?
58. Pink Flamingos (1972). Seen it. According to John Waters, they offered Divine a substitute, but no, she wanted to really eat the dog poop.
59. Birdy (1984). A traumatized Vietnam vet thinks he can fly. My stomach is queasy just thining about it, gay subtext or not.
60. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008). He ages backwards! Can you think of anything more disgusting? I couldn't even sit through the trailers.
See also: 10 Gay Movies I Hated.
I love your blog bro but dang Dr.Strangelove? Brokeback Mountain? Really? Note to self don't go to the movies with Boomer. :)
ReplyDeleteI watch mostly science fiction, comedies, children's movies, and classics, especially from before the 1970s. "Dr. Strangelove" was awful; not at all funny, absurdly nonsensical, and it ends with a guy plummeting to earth on an atom bomb, a very disturbing image. "Brokeback Mountain": I don't need to see yet another gay guy getting killed, thanks.
DeleteGeez, then I guess you haven't seen my favorite movie of all time, 'Looking For Mr. Goodbar' with Diane Keaton. Although it was a big deal when it came out in '77, it's still not available on dvd (because of the soundtrack) and is pretty obscure. It does have straight and gay characters and was ahead of its time.
DeleteI can't agree with your statement that art is supposed to make us feel good. Life itself isn't designed to make us feel good so why should art pretend otherwise? I'm really surprised that someone who is so brilliant in cultural and literary commentary (for your views on gay subtexts and the history of American masculinity are among the best things you do on this blog) can be so insensitive to tragedy—and I know I don't have to quote Aristotle at you. Sometimes your attacks on heterosexual romance sound like homophobia in reverse. I know why you're angry, but revenge and justice aren't the same thing. I also should point out that I still enjoyed this essay very much. What you said about tragic-disease-of-the-month movies is right on target. There is a difference, however, between a badly written movie and a movie that deals with the darker side of life. Neither comedy nor tragedy can exist without contrast and tension.
ReplyDeleteI didn't say no tragedy -- give a good Macbeth or Oedipus Rex any day -- just a certain subset of bad things: no long, weepy death bed bathos, no death-by-homophobia, no Holocaust. For some reason I can't stand any movie with a lifeboat scene -- maybe I died in a shipwreck in my last life. I'm not really comfortable with black comedies. But my biggest pet peeve is a movie where all of the main characters die.
DeleteEnnius, I could not agree with you more, especially heterosexual romance. Boomer, just because a movie or tv show does not have any gay characters, does not make it bad.
DeleteMovies aren't on this list due to lack of gay content. They just sounded depressing. I don't like to be sad as a form of entertainment.
DeleteFor many people, seeing a sad movie (reading a sad book, or hearing sad music) when they are in a sad or depressed mood can release a lot of tension and make them feel much better. It's just cathartic. Of course the movie/ book/ music needs to be well done. For me, the slow movement of Beethoven's 5th Piano Concerto always works.
DeleteI've heard people talk about the cathartic effect of sad movies (or books or music), and of course some people like those things even when they're not sad. They enjoy the vicarious sadness, like you enjoy the vicarious danger in an action/ adventure movie.
DeleteI don't like sad movies either but "Brokeback Mountain" should be seen at least once. "Steel Magnolias" is worth watching for a scene set in college locker room filled with jock beef
ReplyDeleteIt does have one issue in the novel. That first sex scene starts out as simple mutual masturbation, but Jack "will have none of that" and, without even a hint of checking for Ennis' consent, flips him over and tops him, at a time when anal sex was highly taboo even in the gay community, which preferred blowjobs. And even my generation, born in the early 80s, a boy's first experiences with gay sex generally weren't anal, something we only learned about through homophobic jokes.
DeleteBut the real sin here is the failure to check in to see if Ennis wants this. So basically it's saying if you're gay you should just accept/celebrate that you will be raped. (An aside, I'm surprised how many writers end up accidentally raping their characters. I find it disturbing.)
When I was younger, I had any number of guys just try to flip me over and put it in. They expected me to be proactive and say "no" if I wasn't into it (which I usually wasn't). Of course, that was with a date or a hookup where sex is expected, not a random straight guy. Buy still, in situations where the sexual intimacy has already begun, we usually don't ask for consent; if he's not into it, he has to say so or give nonverbal signals.
DeleteI don't see the first sex scene in "Brokeback Mountain" as rape- yes it could have been a bit more romantic but these guys are young horny cowboys so maybe they flip flop later
DeleteStill no review of "Birdy" Come on trash this perfectly wonderful movie.
ReplyDeleteThere's a review of that movie from February 2019. Just search for "Birdy"
DeleteI have not seen "Brokeback Mountain" in a while but that first sex scene did not bother me- these guys are cowboys they are no on a date- so I did not see it as a rape scene. The story is lot more sadder than the movie- you really feel their isolation- they are regular looking men - not movie stars- but of course nobody wants to see regular looking people having sex on screen
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the Holacaust movies specially the highly over rated and ridiculous "Life Is Beautiful"
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that melodramas, dramas, horrors and (most) thrillers are for other people. Well, reading and doing puzzles is also a form of mental exercise outside of work... Small additions: 5, Lorenzo's Oil: The parents succeed in saving their son, so in fact a feel-good-movie (in the end, after a long time)? 20 + 21: I guess these books and films were meant to introduce children and other unknowing people very gently to the real horrors: "Don't bash them over their heads with the cold facts, that will chase them back underneath the rocks we just tempted them from!" Most young children where killed as soon as they arrived in the camps, because they could not do slave labour. So using them as main characters is stretching history too far in my opinion. 32, Apollo 18: They all survive! (In the real event, did not see the film, but doubt it screwed up history for some cheap effects). 40, Dr. Strangelove: Old and very dark, sarcastic, over-the-top (but not what Hollywood thinks that means) satire. If you are interested in WW2 and Cold War history, and if you do not mind that Americans, British and Russians are portrayed very negatively, there are things to chuckle about. But it remains an "acquired taste". 54, Mask: Could be called 'The Elephant Boy'. The boy eventually dies - in his sleep, but that does not make it less sad. It was a hype because the mother is played by Cher. And perhaps because Hells Angels style bikers turned out to be the most accepting, caring, inclusive people in the whole community.
ReplyDeleteThat’s a shame, Pan’s Labyrinth is one of my all-time favorite movies.
ReplyDelete