It's my 36th birthday. David, Drake the Teddy Bear Artist, Corbin the Gym Rat, Kevin the Vampire, and a few other guys have gathered in an Ethiopian restaurant. We're discussing enormous penises, dates from hell, and finally celebrity hookups.
Corbin and David tell about our hookup with Brad Pitt.
Drake tells about getting on his knees in Tony Curtis' dressing room.
Kevin the Vampire says "I can do better than that. A few years ago, when I first moved to San Francisco, I had a date with Satan."
Kevin is in mid 30s, tall and pale, with a long face, long hair, long hands, and a weird goatee, rather Satanic looking already. And there's a lot of mystery about him, a lot of paranormal. So it seems believable.
David, the former Baptist minister, stares open-mouthed. "The...the...real Satan?" he stammers.
"Well...perhaps not the real one," Kevin says. "But as close as you'd want to get."
Enid, Oklahoma, 1980s
Kevin grew up in Tulsa and then Enid, Oklahoma, two of the most dreary, depressing towns in the Bible belt, with nothing to do but watch sports and talk about girls. His parents belonged to the ultra-fundamentalist Bible Missionary Church, where everything but breathing was a sin.
"Baptists were the same way," David says.
He went through life terrified that he would commit a sin without knowing it. He used to pray for God to kill him, so he wouldn't have to die unsaved, and spend eternity in hell.
It was especially terrifying once he recognized that he was gay ("thou shalt not lie with mankind as with woman; it is an abomination") and that he was a witch ("thou shalt not suffer a witch to live").
Oh, he couldn't zap himself across time and space, or turn mortals into toads, like on Bewitched, but:
He knew what people were thinking
He could see what was going to happen in the future
He could make himself invisible. People would walk right past without noticing him, very handy for dealing with bullies and getting out of chores.
His favorite power was mind-control. It didn't always work, but sometimes, if he looked at you the right way, you would do what he wanted. His mother let him have two desserts; his teacher changed the grade on a paper; a high school jock agreed to a hookup..
A lot of high school jocks agreed to hookups.
The uncensored story, with nude photos and explicit sexual content, is on Tales of West Hollywood.