Feb 14, 2017
In Search of the Lapp Penis
My partner Lane and I arrived in Paris yesterday, on the first of the Paris-Brussels-Amsterdam jaunts that would become an annual tradition. He'd never been to Paris before, and I had only been once, so we wanted to cram as much sightseeing as possible into our five days: the Louvre, the Musee d'Orsay, Notre Dame, Shakespeare and Company Bookstore, the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower...
And, of course, we wanted to "share" as many men as possible.
Alan the Pentecostal Porn Star, who moved to Paris two years offered some suggestions from his long list of tricks and dates: mostly twinks and Cute Young Things but all sizes and shapes, races and languages.
"Claude is from Belgium -- a face like an angel...Michel is studying political philosophy at the Sorbonne -- kind of a nerd, but hung!..."
"What about Hanno R___?" Lane read from the list. The note said "Sailor, 25. From Lappland."
"Right. He lives in Le Havre now, but he grew up in Lappland, in northern Sweden."
The Lapps, or Saami! I had dreamed about those mysterious reindeer-herding nomads ever since I read Sonia and Tim Gidal's Follow the Reindeer in third grade. They were the original inhabitants of Scandinavia, before the Germanic tribes moved in. Today there are 130,000, most still nomadic, wandering the far north of Finland, Scandinavia, Norway, and Russia. They speak a Uralic language, related to Finnish and Hungarian.
By the way, the standard Saami unit of measurement, the equivalent of the English foot, is "penis-length."
They found their penises a more convenient measurement than their feet.
That settled it. We were hooking up with the Lapp!
The full story, with nude photos and explicit sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.