Troy, my boyfriend for the last year, has finally agreed to move in, and we're having a "housewarming" party to celebrate. We invite his college friends Micah and Jordan; the Rich Kid and the Rapper from the Gang of 12, and their dates; and my ex-boyfriend Chad, who of course has to bring his housemate/Daddy, the Satyr.
The Satyr is a tall, husky, bearded bear, 62 years old, with an enormous Kovbasa++++ beneath the belt. But I don't like him -- he's imperious, theatrical, sneaky: he has a manipulative relationship with Chad, and he tried to keep me and Troy from dating. For what reason, I don't know.
Enormous penises...he has the biggest I've ever seen.
Dates from hell -- there aren't any worse dates than our weird night in October 2008.
Celebrity hookups -- he claims to have been with everybody.
When he was a teenager, hustling in Times Square, his clients included Robert Redford, Peter Fonda, and...Christopher Isherwood. When he was a camera man in Hollywood, he dated Tom Selleck, Rob Lowe, and John Travolta, who flew him down to Cabo for a wild weekend with Tom Cruise.
I'm sure the Satyr is making all of this up. I lived in West Hollywood for 10 years at about the same time, and met a lot of celebrities: Michael J. Fox, Richard Dreyfuss, Robin Williams, Christopher Atkins -- but I never dated any superstars.
Time to call his bluff. "Details! You have to tell us the whole story. Date, location, who you were with, what he was wearing, how hung he was..."
The Satyr glares at me, but says "Sure. I'll tell you about my first gay sexual experience, with Sylvester Stallone."
"Great!" I've heard a lot of celebrity dating stories about Stallone, the Italian Stallion, the star of the Rocky and Rambo series, so I'll be able to spot a fib a mile away.
The full story, with nude photos and explicit sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.