Snakes on a Plane: Not Enough Buddy Bonding

Yes, I've seen Snakes on a Plane (2006), the heavily hyped, endlessly joked about vehicle for Samuel L. Jackson to say "I have had it with these  m___f___ snakes on this m___f___ plane!" 

Can't argue with that.

Snakes is actually not bad. It harkens back to the 1970s disaster movies like The Towering Inferno, and their parody in Airplane:  a disparate group of rich snobs, working-class stiffs, jive-talking black men, nuns, kids, dogs, and miscellaneous are trapped somewhere awful, and try to survive.

In this case, the slacker/surfer Sean (Nathan Phillips, left) is the witness to a murder that will bring down gangster Eddie Kim (Byron Lawson, below), and FBI agent Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) is assigned to protect him en route from Hawaii to Los Angeles to testify. 

Eddie, naturally, wants to kill him.  So comes up with the bright idea of filling the plane with hundreds of poisonous snakes, and pumping them with pheromones so they'll be extra aggressive. 

Like, how about shooting him?  Or pumping the snakes into his hotel room the night before the flight?

Enter a luxurious three-level airplane with a winding staircase. The staff consists of two 1970s-sex kitten flight attendants; a gay-male flight attendant; their supervisor on one last run before retiring (gulp); a 1970s sexist horndog pilot; and a married pilot anxious to get home to his wife and kdis.

The passengers are likewise escapees from the 1970s:
1. The pretentious "Do you know who I am?" jerk.
2. The ingenue with a dog in her purse.
3. The fat lady.
4. The guy afraid of flying.
5. The two kids flying alone for the first time.

6. Three G's (left), a famous rapper with only female fans, and his jive-talking entourage.
7. The Hispanic woman with a baby in her arms.
8. The blond prettyboy (Taylor Kitsch, below) and the blond sexpot, who want to join the mile high club.
9. The kung fu fighter who you expect to be karate chopping snakes, but he doesn't.

About halfway through the flight, the snakes come out and start picking them off, one by one.  There are lots of gross scenes and some shockers.  Both pilots get snake-bit.  The honor of landing the plane goes to Troy (Keenan Thompson), who has only flown planes in video games.

Meanwhile on land, FBI Agent Harris (Bobby Cannavale), who watches porn and talks about his wife, find a snake expert (Todd Louiso) who tries to track down antitoxins for the various snakes.

I rather liked the horror aspects, the self-referential jokes, and the 1970s feel.  All you needed were Hare Krishnas chanting in the airport.   I rather wish that Sean the slacker/ surfer had done something heroic to redeem himself, but he was mostly stuck with "stay back here where it's safe).

But what I couldn't abide was the intense, endless heterosexism. 

1. Every establishing shot shows a pulchritudinous woman or two walking by.
2. There are tons of sleazy hetero-sex jokes.
3. Both Sean and Neville hook up with stewardesses and smooch.
4. The flight attendant who everyone thought was gay smooches his girlfriend.

At least there's no dead wife in Neville's background.  Or maybe there is, and I missed that part.

Beefcake:  Sean takes off his shirt once or twice, the prettyboy is nearly naked before getting eaten, and a guy is bitten on the penis.

Gay References:  The flight attendant who everyone thinks is gay is not particularly swishy,but he's awfully interested in men, and he offers to suck the venom out of a guy who was bitten on the butt.  Is that a gay reference?

The movie ends with Sean taking Neville on a surfing vacation in Tahiti, but there was practically no buddy-bonding before, so the "fade into the sunset together" seems tacked-on and unbelievable.

My verdict:
Character development: 3
The gay subtext: 3
Beefcake: 2
Heterosexism: 8
The snakes: 10