But if you don't mind "gloom, despair, and agony on end," there is also abundant beefcake, dozens of hunkoids (13 to be exact) who work out constantly, hoping that physical activity will alleviate some of their pain.
The premise: Hannah (Katherine Langford) commits suicide, and leaves behind a box of tapes at her friend's house, each a shrieking "J'accuse!" at one of the students and faculty responsible for her decision. Flashbacks reveal all the details. Meanwhile, Hannah's parents are suing the school for negligence.
Spoiler alert: the 13 reasons why are listed below:
1. Justin ( Brandon Flynn ) gives Hannah her first kiss, then uploads a sexy photo of her to the internet, and claims that they had sex. She gets a "slut" reputation.
2. Next Hannah befriends the couple Jessica and Alex (Miles Heiser). When the two break up, Jessica blames Hannah, and spreads the rumor that she is a boyfriend-stealer.
3. Alex distributes a list of the best/worst in the school, and says that Hannah has the best butt, thus humiliating her. There's no new hunk in this reason, so I'll add Clay (Dylan Minnette), who gets the box of tapes and is investigating the various culprits.
4. School photographer Tyler (Devin Druid) stalks Hannah, hoping to catch her in the act. When he sees her kissing a girl named Courtney, he publishes the photograph, thus ending their friendship and giving Hannah the reputation of being a lesbian.
A lesbian slut boyfriend stealer with a nice butt.
5. Afraid of being outed (even though she has two dads), Courtney spreads a rumor about Hannah and another girl, thus...um, I guess adding to the lesbian rumor.
No new hunk in this reason, so I'll add Christian Navarro as Tony Padilla, Clay's gay best friend and co-investigator.
6. Hannah accepts a Valentine's Day date with Marcus (Steven Silver). Believing that she is a lesbian slut with a nice butt, he assumes that she will be up for sex, and tries to sexually assault her.
Steven Silver is a little stingy with beefcake photos, so instead I'll add Timothy Granaderos as Montgomery de la Cruz, a school bully.
7. Zach (Ross Butler, top photo), one of Marcus' friends, asks Hannah for a date, no doubt assuming that sex will be included. When she refuses, he gets revenge by removing the "positive notes" from her in-box about a writing project, leaving only negative ones and squashing her self-image.
A lesbian slut boyfriend-stealer who is no good at writing, but has a nice butt.
8. When Hannah submits some extremely personal poetry to Poetry Club (why submit it if it's so personal?), club president Ryan (Tommy Dorfman) publishes it without her consent in the school newspaper, humiliating her and doubling the attack on her writing ability.
9. Remember Hannah's on-off friend Jessica? She is sexually assaulted by Bryce (Justin Prentice) at a party. Hannah sees the whole thing, but doesn't intervene. The culprit in this reason is Jessica's boyfriend Alex, for allowing it to happen.
Not Hannah herself? She was watching, and didn't do anything?
10. On the way home from the party, Hannah and her friend Sherri accidentally knock over a stop sign. Hannah wants to call the police, but Sherri won't let her. Later Jeff (Brandon Larracuente), not seeing the downed sign, goes through the intersection and is hit and killed.
The culprit this time? You guessed it -- Sherri.
11. Clay the investigator, who has an unrequited crush on Hannah, tried to help her at the party, but she rejected him, thus leading to the downed stop sign and Jeff's death.
He's the culprit for not trying hard enough? This girl is doing a lot of blaming.
No new hunks in this reason, so I'll add Henry Zaga as Brad, the boyfriend of Tony (Clay's best friend).
12. Hannah goes to another party at Bryce's house, and he rapes her. Whoa.
Bryce was already mentioned, so let's go on to Season 2, which is mostly about the trial. R. J. Brown plays Caleb, whom Tony (the best friend) dates.
13. Hannah tells guidance counselor Mr. Porter (Derek Luke) about being raped, but he does nothing. J'accuse!
Derek Luke is beefcake-shy, so let's include Bryce Cass as Cyrus, who, in Season 2, starts an anti-bullying campaign with Tyler (Reason #4)
There are several gay characters, and ample beefcake, but I'm still not watching. It sounds awful.
1. Justin ( Brandon Flynn ) gives Hannah her first kiss, then uploads a sexy photo of her to the internet, and claims that they had sex. She gets a "slut" reputation.
4. School photographer Tyler (Devin Druid) stalks Hannah, hoping to catch her in the act. When he sees her kissing a girl named Courtney, he publishes the photograph, thus ending their friendship and giving Hannah the reputation of being a lesbian.
A lesbian slut boyfriend stealer with a nice butt.
No new hunk in this reason, so I'll add Christian Navarro as Tony Padilla, Clay's gay best friend and co-investigator.
Steven Silver is a little stingy with beefcake photos, so instead I'll add Timothy Granaderos as Montgomery de la Cruz, a school bully.
7. Zach (Ross Butler, top photo), one of Marcus' friends, asks Hannah for a date, no doubt assuming that sex will be included. When she refuses, he gets revenge by removing the "positive notes" from her in-box about a writing project, leaving only negative ones and squashing her self-image.A lesbian slut boyfriend-stealer who is no good at writing, but has a nice butt.
8. When Hannah submits some extremely personal poetry to Poetry Club (why submit it if it's so personal?), club president Ryan (Tommy Dorfman) publishes it without her consent in the school newspaper, humiliating her and doubling the attack on her writing ability.
Not Hannah herself? She was watching, and didn't do anything?
The culprit this time? You guessed it -- Sherri.
He's the culprit for not trying hard enough? This girl is doing a lot of blaming.
No new hunks in this reason, so I'll add Henry Zaga as Brad, the boyfriend of Tony (Clay's best friend).
12. Hannah goes to another party at Bryce's house, and he rapes her. Whoa.Bryce was already mentioned, so let's go on to Season 2, which is mostly about the trial. R. J. Brown plays Caleb, whom Tony (the best friend) dates.
Derek Luke is beefcake-shy, so let's include Bryce Cass as Cyrus, who, in Season 2, starts an anti-bullying campaign with Tyler (Reason #4)
There are several gay characters, and ample beefcake, but I'm still not watching. It sounds awful.
Sounds depressing.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine the "boyfriend-stealing lesbian" rumor. Half the rumors in high school don't have to make sense.
Season 4 suddenly became the gayest show on television with 11 of the 13 hunkoids mentioned above smashing lips at one point or another, including a gay romance with a gay ghost at the gay prom where the gay couple won King and King. "I don't swing that way but I'll have gay sex with you" was the tagline of the first six episodes, until it turned into "I am gay after all let's go to prom as a couple" for the next six. Until it is revealed that the reason for the villain in seasons 2 and 3 was ... because he was closeted gay, raging against the other closeted gays who were also villians in-between their down-lows.
ReplyDeleteHave they moved on to a new plot, or are they still going through the list? By now they must be at the teacher who gave Hannah a B+ on a math test, or the girl who didn't say hello when they passed in the hallway in 8th grade.
DeleteP.S. Alex (Miles Heiser) turns up in Love, Simon.
ReplyDeleteLove the commentary but Number 4 and number 5 have the wrong people in the photos. In 4, that's a picture of Tommy Dorfman and his husband Peter Zurkuhlen. And number 5 is another picture of Ross Bulter, not Christian Navarro.
ReplyDelete