I Hate" "I Hate Kids": Transphobia, Camp,and an Endless Parade of Ladies

I grew up with the "wife and kids" mantra being pushed at me over and over every day.  When I moved to West Hollywood, it ended; gay men simply didn't have kids, period. Out of the question.  

Now it's back.  Most of the twinks I hook up with expect "marriage and children" in their future. I run away.

So I Hate Kids, on Amazon Prime, had an appealing title.  And the star was the Tituss Burgess, the flamboyantly out Titus from The Umbreakable Kimmie Schmidt, so there was obviously a gay presence.

Scene 1: Establishing shot of L.A., and the morning radio program. A bad psychic named the Amazing Fabular (Tituss) is conning people.  Suddenly he has a real vision and says the name "Mason."

Scene 2: The wealthy, elite Nick (Tom Everett Scott) drops his car off and enters an elite club.  A fan wants him to sign a copy of his best-selling book, I Hate Kids   Suggesting that some people might not want to have kids!  Controversial!  Genius!  But the fan has kids....

Kid-Hating Nick goes to a fancy dinner and smooches his Girlfriend, Syd.   It's a wedding reception or pre-wedding dinner or something. A heterosexual who doesn't want kids?   I figured he was gay.

Scene 3:  A nerdy teen or young adult arrives.  Mason, no doubt.  He crashes the party and announces that Kid-Hating Nick is his dad.  I saw that one coming from the blurb.

Kid-Hating Nick doesn't believe it, but the Amazing Fabular shows up to explain his psychic vision, backed up by a DNA test.

Scene 4: The rehearsal dinner is over.  Girlfriend Syd and her Friend are angry with Nick over his "prank."   Girlfriend and Kid-Hating Nick spend more time kissing than talking.  Every sentence begins and ends with a kiss.  It's nauseating.

Later, Kid-Hating Nick meets with the Amazing Fabular, who explain how they got a sample for the DNA test, in boring detail.

 Nick is upset; having a kid will ruin his brand.  Plus the Girlfriend doesn't want kids.  So?  Nerdy Mason is an adult; she won't be actually raising him.

Nerdy Mason's goal: his elderly foster mother is being moved into a nursing home, so he needs to find his biological mother to avoid being put into foster care.  Ok, Nick agrees to help.  But he's slept with 23,000 women.  It will take some research.

Whoa, Mason is 13! I was guessing mid-20s.  Actor Julin Feder doesn't have a birth date listed on IMDB, but he's obviously a grown-up.

Scene 5: Kid-Hating Nick tells Syd and Kelly that he got asked to lecture at a college at the last minute.  Then he meets with the guys with the list of every woman he slept with 14 years ago. Lots!  They'll of course have to take a road trip to interview each of them.  Or -- make some phone calls?

Scene 6: The first potential mom: Carla, who is eager for the opportunity to punch Kid-Hating Nick (saw that one coming).

Later, the Amazing Fabular asks Kid-Hating Nick why he's such a mess, a steaming cloud of bitterness (wild guess: no kids?).    Nick wonders what Fabular's angle is.  Why does he care so much? (wild guess: no kids, so he wants to father Nerdy Mason?)

Scene 7: Next potential mom: Janice, who has a houseful of mannikins she thinks are real.  Gulp. Isn't this the same plotline as Season 3 of Bojack Horseman?

Scene 8: A montage of several potential moms slamming doors in their faces.  Meanwhile, Girlfriend is getting fitted for a wedding gown.  Her Friend has been snooping around, and finds out that Kid-Hating Nick lied about the last-minute lecture, in order to go on a road trip involving a lot of women.

Scene 9:  Next potential mom:  Winny, who has come out as transgender, and is now named Freddy.  They're all shocked.  Transphobic?  He states that the day after he slept with Nick, he went out and had the surgery.  That's not at all the way it works, idiots.  Sex confirmation surgery comes at the end of a long process.  You have to be living as a member of your transition sex for years. 

Scene 10:  Nick, the Amazing Fabular, and Nerdy Marson are getting tired and frustrated (so am I, actually)

They are pulled over for speeding,  Nerdy Mason talks his way out of a ticket.

Meanwhile, Girlfriend snoops around, and finds out that Kid-Hating Nick is visiting his ex-girlfriends (and one-night stands and hour-long hookups). 

Scene 11: Next potential Mom -- yawn -- Christine.  How are they visiting all these people on the same day in L.A. traffic?  How are they all home?  Why do they still in L.A....

Potential Mom Christine is a fast-talking, hard-driven career woman who built an empire because she can't have kids.  You heard it here, ladies -- kids or career. Pick one.

Meanwhile, Girlfriend's Friend is going into labor.

Scene 12:  Next potential Mom: Schyler, a martial arts instructor.  He narrowed the list down to one month, right?  I don't have sex with that many people in a month, and I go to sex parties.

Turns out that Schyler knows the Amazing Fabular, and relates that his job involves "bilking old ladies out of their checking accounts."  Please tell me that the Amazing Fabular wasn't sleeping with those ladies!  His gayness is the only thing keeping me slogging through.

The Amazing Fabular confesses to Kid-Hating Nick that he is, in fact, a con artist (what a surprise!), but his vision of Nerdy Mason was a real, authentic psychic experience.  He wants to help Mason because it will give him a chance at redemption.  

Nick is not sympathetic, and tells him to get lost.

Scene 13:  They finally find Mason's biological mom:  Crass, a smoker, a drunk, with a dirty house and a  bunch of rowdy kids.  No way will Nick leave Mason with her!

Nick leaves Mason with her!

Scene 14:  Back home, Girlfriend Syd wants to call off the wedding because she decided she wants kids after all.  No problem -- Kid-Hating Nick wants kids now, too, and he knows where they can get one!  They drive out to retrieve Nerdy Nick from his horrible biological mother -- but he's run away! Wouldn't you?

Scene 15:  The Amazing Fabular is giving a speech.  Kid-Hating Nick and the Girlfriend ask him to use his psychic powers to find Mason. 

"He's right behind you."

The end.

Beefcake:  No.  An endless parade of middle-aged women, but no middle aged men.  No partners around for any of the ex-girlfriends.  Kelly is pregnant with no partner around.

Here's Johnny Visotcky from the very bottom of the cast list.

Gay characters:  Fabular is flamboyant and campy, but doesn't say or do anything indicating gay identity.  Mason doesn't express any heterosexual interests.

Transphobia:  Yes.

Moral:  Everybody should have kids.

My Grade:  I'm too bored to bother.