Prologue: We're in a weird steampunk world, with guys clang-clanging machines and pulling levers on a high tower. Suddenly the tower becomes sentient and knocks a worker off to his death. Darn, he was cute.
Scene 1: Moist Von Lapwig (Richard Coyle) narrates a montage of his life as a conman It all seems perfectly ordinary, except for the chief constable being a werewolf, until he is caught, imprisoned, and then hanged.
By the way, the town or country is Ankh-Morpork, but they speak English and use dollars.
Scene 2: He wakes up, not dead at all. The rich, officious Lord Vertenari (Chales Dance) has resurrected him to offer him a job: to re-open the Ankh-Morpork post office. It sounds horrible, but the other alternative is to be tossed off the edge of the world, so Moist agrees.
Suddenly a red-eyed clay-like being, a Medieval Jewish golem, grabs him -- his Parole Officer (named Mr. Pump, body by Marnix van den Broeke, below).
Scene 4: Back at Lord Vertenari's office, Moist is told to do the job right this time. He complains: no one uses the post anymore. Everyone sends messages via clack-clacks (steampunk email).
Two extremely ugly guys, Reacher and Horsefry (David Suchet, Madav Sharna), watch from a building across the street, and make fun of the new "sucker" who's going to try to open the post office.
Moist meets his staff: the elderly Junior Postman Groat (Andrew Sachs), who has been working in the deserted building since he was a boy, and Stanley (Ian Boanr), who knows everything about pins. Stanley woulld be attractive, except he's all greasy and has a weird haunted look.
Moist insults them both for not doing any work, and for being...well, daft.
20 minutes in, and we haven't met The Girl yet. A good sign.
Scene 6: Lord Vertenari is lambasting Reacher from Scene 5 for doing a bad job running the clack-clacks, and announces that he is re-opening the post office. He and Horsefry storm out in anger and discuss the terrible things they're going to do to the new postmaster, Moist.
Scene 7: Moist tours the post office: corridors of undelivered mail, overflowing even in his apartment.
Scene 8: Deciding that Stanley will be the most easily manipualted among the staff, Moist goes to the Pin Emporium and browses among the many pin-aficionado magazines. He asks for "advanced" items, and the proprietor takes him into the back.
Scene 9: Moist returns to the post office and gives Stanley the fabulous pin he bought (a number three broad head edge extra long), and makes him an ally. Then he gives Groat a promotion, and makes him an ally. They tell him that four previous postmasters died under gruesome circumstances.
Moist wants to flee, but Mr. Pump won't allow it. Well, maybe he can de-activate the golem.
Scene 10: That night, Moist breaks itno the Golem Trust to gather intel. A woman, Adora Belle Dearheart, accosts him with a bow and arrow
Uh--oh, could she be The Girl?
She explains that the office was recently vandalized in an anti-golem hate crime. She's a golem rights activist, and in mourning for her dead brother Moist is totally stricken by her loveliness.
The Girl! It took awhile, but here's the heteronormativity!
I'll fast forward through the rest of the "episode" (actually a 1 1/2 hour long movie). Moist gets the post office running again through the novel invention of the postage stamp, but he starts seeing the ghosts of the people who died after he conned them, and he's being stalked by a professional assassin (the same one that killed the previous postmasters). Meanwhile, The Girl, whose father lost out on the patent to the clackers, tries to sabotage it with clacker hackers. End of Part 1
Gay Characters: No one expresses any heterosexual interest except Moist. I figured Stanley was canonically gay, but actor Ian Bonar posted a homophobic tweet. Surely a homophobe wouldn't agree to play a gay role.
Heterosexism: Moist and Adele kiss.
World: Steampunk Victorian England, with everything ugly, grimy, moist, and unpleasant to look at. Lots of steam, puddles, and gears.
Author: I didn't know that this was based on Terry Pratchett's humorous steampunk fantasy novels set in a world that is sitting on the back of a giant tortoise. I could never get into his stuff. I like my movies humorous but my fiction serious, and besides, Pratchett never wrote a single gay character (ship the Good Omens guys all you want).
My Grade: D
Surely a homophobe wouldn't play a gay role. That reminds me of Chuck Dixon. I might tell you why some time.
ReplyDeleteIn Unseen Academicals, Pratchett describes a visiting professor:
ReplyDelete'... he has been cited in two hundred and thirty-six papers and, er, one divorce petition.’
‘What?’
‘The rule about celibacy isn’t taken seriously over there, sir. Very hot-blooded people, I understand, of course. His family owns a huge ranch and the biggest coffee plantation outside Klatch, and I think his grandmother owns the Macarona Shipping Company.’
‘So why the hell did he come here?’
‘He wants to work with the best, sir,’ said Ponder. ‘I think he’s serious.’
‘Really? Oh, well, he seems like a sensible chap, then. Er, the divorce thing?’
‘Don’t know much, sir, it got hushed up, I believe.’
‘Angry husband?’
‘Angry wife, as I heard it,’ said Ponder.
‘Oh, he was married, was he?’
‘Not to my knowledge, Archchancellor.’
‘I don’t think I quite understand,’ said Ridcully.
Ponder, who was not at all at home in this area, said very slowly, ‘She was the wife of another man…I, er, believe, sir.’
‘But I—’
To Ponder’s relief, light dawned on Ridcully’s huge face. ‘Oh, you mean he was like Professor Hayden. We used to have a name for him…’
Ponder braced himself.
‘Snakes. Very keen on them, you know. Could talk for hours about snakes with a side order of lizards. Very keen.’
‘I’m glad you feel like that, Archchancellor, because I know that a number of the students—’
‘And then there was old Postule, who was in the rowing team. Coxed us through two wonderful years.’ Ponder’s expression did not change, but for a few moments his face went pink and shiny. ‘A lot of that sort of thing about, apparently,’ said Ridcully. ‘People make such a fuss. Anyway, in my opinion there’s not enough love in the world. Besides, if you didn’t like the company of men you wouldn’t come here in the first place.`
That's not exactly gay friendly. Ponder dissimulates, hesitates, is extremely uncomfortable about revealing the same sex affair, and it takes Ridcully forever to figure it out. Then they talk about other people, but in such an abstract way that readers who aren't looking for it are sure to miss it. Plus I gather that there aren't any gay characters in the actual story; they're just having a discussion. And one discussion in 16,000 novels.
ReplyDeleteWhy does Lord Vertenari want Moist so badly for the job that he arranges for his hanging and resurrection? Does he think that a con artist would be especially good at running the post office? And why is Moist so opposed to the job? He hasn't heard about the murders yet, so what is he afraid of? There are a lot of character motives that are no doubt explained in the book, but dropped without question here.
ReplyDelete