Scene 1: A stereotyped caveman and woman (both blond white people). The voiceover: "At the dawn of time, men's and womens' roles were well defined." Men hunted and gathered, and women stayed home "in the safety of the cave to cook."
That's idiotic. No such strictly defined gender roles existed, and nobody actually lived in caves.
"But over millions of years, something strange happened. The lines blurred."
Ok, homo sapiens have only been around for about 300,000 years. And the sexist fool is upset over women being able to work outside the home?
Only 1 minute and 3 seconds in, and I'm already tearing my hair out. I don't think I'm going to make it.
We go through history to the white-picket-fence 1950s, the couple kissing in each era.
Meanwhile Spy jumps out of a plane, kills an assassin, chases the bad guy through a shopping mall, and collides with the Girl. They have a "are you as turned on as I am?" argument while the Bad Guy gets away.
Scene 3: Smuts and the two girls are in a hot tub in Katmandu, being stood up by Spy, who has taken the Girl ice-skating.
I fast forward through six minutes of them talking, kissing, talking, kissing, holding hands, having sex, holding hands, talking, and sitting on a couch in matching sweaters. Some long-shots of Spy's chest, but they are drowned out by the tight close ups of the Girl's face. You can count the nostril hairs.
Scene 4: The Girl is at work in the mall, being hit on by a customer. Sassy Friend tells her she's an idiot for not dating the rich guy, but the Girl is holding out for True Love.
Scene 5: Spy resigns (uh-oh, time for The Village). He wants a normal life, with a job selling cardboard, a house with a picket fence, bowling on Tuesday nights, kids' soccer games, Satirdays at the hardware store. Do men actually want the heteronormative trajectory of job, house, wife, kids, or is it just the power-elite trying to get us to buy things?
Scene 6: Spy and Girl move into a horrible house in the suburbs -- ranch, no picket fence. They unpack boxes then kiss for 2.5 minutes of screen time.. This is every 1960s sitcom. No, honey, I don't want any of your wealth/fame/witchcraft powers/genie powers. I want to live a normal life, with you as my house slave...um, housewife.
Scene 7: Spy is at his job selling cardboard from a cubicle, then joining the bowling team, then coming home to announce "Honey, I'm home," whereupon the Girl feeds him a sample of the Nepalese dinner she has prepared. Nepalese? Shouldn't she be making meatloaf?
And what does any of this have to do with the first scene, the adulation of prehistoric times, where women knew their place," but then gender roles got all mixed up? The Girl seems to know her place perfectly well.
Scene 8: Spy hates his job, and he's lousy at it; and he hates his bowling team for not being interested in winning. Meanwhile, a lady dressed in a 1960s British raincoat photographs Spy (we never discover what that is about).
Scene 9: Two minutes of Spy and Girl kissing. But then she refuses sex with him. Uh-oh.
Scene 10: Girl and Sassy Friend discuss how bored and miserable she is. Gee, too bad she didn't marry a spy, har-har.
Meanwhile Spy and Smuts discuss how bored and miserable he is.
Remora is played by Akaash Yadav, who is attractive but has an Instagram full of pics of him hugging a woman, gazing into her eyes, dancing with her, and so on.
They tell Spy that he is bored and miserable because he never finished his las assignment: to capture the Bad Guy he was chasing when he collided with the Girl
Bad Guy recently got married, and is honeymooning right there in suburbia. He's also planning to buy plans for a weapon that can destroy the world. All Spy has to do is intercept the plans.
Spy refuses and walks out, but changes his mind later, while in bed in his...ugh...suburban home.
Scene 12: Spy is paired with a Mrs. Spy (because marreid men seem more trustworthy to heteronormative heterosexist heterosexuals). But the agent assigned to be Mrs. Spy doesn't think that anyone would believe someone as babilicious as her would marry such a schlub so she gives him a hotness makeover.
There's some buddy-bonding homoeroticism between Spy and Smuts ("we've always worked together"), but it's drowned out by the incessant "we used to get lots of hot girls" talk.
Scene 13: Gone until late at night, hot makeover? Spy is obviously having an affair. The Girl commisserates with Sassy Friend. Meanwhile, Smuts and Remora are filming Spy and Mrs. Spy in sexy positions, for some reason.
I skipped over the ensuing comedy of errors.
Scene 15: Spy at the bowling alley, complaining about the narrowly defined suburban life: "There's got to be more than this, right?" His buds explain: no, there is no more. "You get married, have a couple of kids, stop having sex, save for retirment, pick where you want your ashes scattered. There is no grand adventure, just living."
This is certainly a critique of the heteronormative job-house-wife-kids trajectory. But I don't think they mean to critique heteronormativity; they want to find the grand adventure in Her Eyes.
Scene 16: Spy goes home, takes off his shirt (finally, some beefcake!) and argues with The Girl over grand adventure vs. just living.
Scene 17: The Girl tails Spy to the hotel where he's staying with the fake Mrs. Spy. They put on spy-swimsuits and head to the pool (beefcake and enormous bulge nearly hidden by tiny string bikinis). They buddy up to Bad Guy and Mrs. Bad Guy.
Spy excuses himself and accosts the Pool Boy, who has the secret plans.
Then The Girl confronts Spy over his "cheating." Mrs. Spy tries to salvage the con by saying that she is a delusional ex-fiancee, but Bad Guy and Mrs. Bad Guy are gone.
Scene 18: Back home, Spy tries to reconcile with the Girl. Suddenly the bowling team and their wives show up for the dinner party the Girl has apparently scheduled. Then Sassy Friend. Then the fake Mrs. Spy, trying to salvage things by explaining that she is the sexy dance instructor. Then Bad Guy arrives to ask for his plans back, or he 'll shoot them all.
There's a tiny bit of lesbian-flirting between Sassy Friend and the fake Mrs. Spy, but it's over in a second.
Spy finally comes clean about the spy thing. The Girl is angry with him for ruining the dinner party.
They subdue Bad Guy, and the bowling team subdues the henchmen (getting their grand adventure after all).
Scene 19: Divorced from Spy, the Girl quits her job and designs her own toiletry line called "Undercover: Discove who you really are." Darn, I thought she was going to become a spy, like Scarecrow and Mrs. King. How is selling shampoo adventurous?
Meanwhile, Spy, back in the spy biz, is climbing a mountain with Smuts, fake Mrs. Spy, and Remora.. Smuts asks Remora to go out for a beer later, but then reneges -- a tiny gay subtext?
Spy still misses The Girl, and....Tell me that True Love isn't going to win! Please?
Scene 20: Darn it! "If we embrace our primal instincts, every day can be an adventure." In other words, invite Her along on the adventure, which is the exact opposite of the Scene 1 message that women should stay back in the cave, making meatloaf.
Three -- three heterosexual couples and a fade-out kiss between Spy and The Girl. True Love wins out, making the job, house, wife, kids trajectory wondrously fulfilling, with only the tiniest bit of "really stretching it" gay subtext.
But I knew what I was getting into from the start. Should I be upset when it happens?
Drew Van Acker is good looking
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