Sep 13, 2020

The Rainbow Bridge Motel: Darren Dumps Samantha for Uncle Arthur


The Rainbow Bridge Motel,
on Amazon Prime,  is rated 16+ because:
a. There's lots of explicit sex
b. It mentions that gay people exist. 
The answer is B, of course.  So I'm already in a bad mood going in.

Scene 1: Lots of postcards from Niagara Falls, the famous honeymoon site.  A plane lands.  An exuberant swishy guy bounces down into the concourse, dragging his button-down conservative boyfriend. 

How did these two polar opposites ever hook up?  It's like Darren Stevens from from Bewitched dumped Samantha for Uncle Arthur. 

An impossibly aggressive dispute at the luggage carousel leads to a ruptured suitcase, a display of bikini-brief underwear and dozens of passersby staring in astonishment.

A "complementary shuttle" will take them to the "Rainbow Bridge Motel, Niagara's #1 Gay Wedding Destination."  It turns out to be a crappy van with a disco ball chandelier,


Scene 2:
   We meet Shibbawitz, an immigrant from one of those "we just met -- let's hug!" countries, who is trying to revive the long-faded Rainbow Bridge Motel by making it a gay wedding destination. Except he didn't tell his elderly housekeeper, who is busily connecting two twin beds into one in the "Rock Hudson Room."  

Cut to the shuttle, driving farther and farther from the falls.

At the hotel, Shibbawitz is s performing a wedding, but he doesn't know if it's two women or a man and a woman, so he stumbles overr "I now pronnounce you...um...man?....you know, we should have discussed this in advance."  The couple becomes the source of a transphobic subplot.

The shuttle drives farther and farther away. 

Scene 3:  They finally arrive at the hotel, with a chemical plant on one side and a roaring highway on the other, constant noise and smoke.   Hey, the conservative partner is really named Darren!  The campy Uncle Arthur clone doesn't get a name until Scene 8: Dean.

Elderly Housekeeping Guy looks out the window, yells "Two men!  Two men!," and starts separating the beds again. 

Darren and Dean are upset by the "false advertising," but Shibbawitz cannily explains that the internet ad promised "a great view of Niagara Falls" -- the old inudstrial town.  And he promises to fix the twin beds.

Elderly Houskeeping Guy hammers the twin beds together, then brings in a fold-out cot.  "Two men!" he mutters.  "Two beds."   

Scene 4:  Button-down Darren, a designer, actually likes the view -- an homage to the great era of American industry -- but swishy Dean hates it. They try to find another hotel, but everything is booked by the Traditional Values Coalition, the Bible Thumpers Alliance, and Hating Gays, Inc.  So they have no choice.

Scene 5:  They visit the actual waterfall, which is impressive even on film. Dean wants to kiss, like all the heterosexual couples. Darren refuses -- with all the gay-haters around, they will be killed.  But Dean insults him until he consents.  A group of traditional values types is fine with the kissing, but when Dean announces tht they are getting married, the goons attack.  Run away!

Scene 6:  .Complication: Button-down Darren is already married -- to a woman!  Sorry, she's named Maggie, not Samantha.   "It only lasted two years.  I left.  She doesn't even know I'm gay"  And she never signed the divorce papers.  Dean is shocked, both by Darren deceiving him and by his heterosexual past.  Darren digs himself deeper by stating that he and Maggie had a "real wedding" -- as opposed to, you know, two guys.


Scene 7:
The super-swishy, eye-rolling, double-entendre spouting friends arrive and want to part-tay.  They criticize Darren for being too straight-acting, not really gay. 

Meanwhile Darren calls Maggie, who agrees to sign the papers and drive them up.  Then he falls in toxic sludge.  At least we see Darren's chest.-- the only beefcake in the whole movie!  

Scene 8: Now Dean is demanding a church wedding, with a priest and everything.  Turns out that he's a devout Catholic.  Why didn't he mention this before -- oh, yeah, he's upset over Dean's heterosexual past.  Except Darren's mother thinks she is Jewish because she has a Jewish ancestor back somewhere in her family tree  She celebrates Christmas and eats bacon, but she will not accept an interfaith or Catholic wedding.  . .

We discover that Dean is a Canadian citizen.  This will be important later.

Scene 9: Darren has lunch with his sports-loving dad, hot college-age brother in a muscle shirt (below), and faux-Jewish Mom. He announces that they will be having a Christian wedding.  Mom shrieks about how difficult it was for her to accept him being gay, and now this!

Scene 10: Dean and swishy friend scope out Catholic churches. They find one that they think is perfect, but it looks rather ordinary, actually bare for a Catholic church.   The very nice priest is fine with them being gay.  He's not allowed to perform a gay wedding (darn Letter to the Bishops!), but advises Dean that he doesn't need a priest: "the communion of two souls makes it real."

Actually, I don't believe for a second that Darren and Dean even like each other.


Scene 11:
The wife arrives, not realizing that Darren is gay.. She keeps asking to meet the fiancee, while Darren hedges, and Mom tries to get them back together.  Finally Dean and Swishy Friend show up.  Secrets come out, there is yelling, there are accusations:
Maggie: "I turned you gay!"
Mom: "You're still in love with Maggie!"
Dean: " "You're still in the closet!  You don't want anyone to know!  That's why you picked a hotel so far from our home!"

Dean responds by asking Maggie to be his best "man."  (Gee, you'd think they already filled that job.)

Scene 12:  Drag bar.  Or do all gay bars have drag queens?  Dean is bitching with his friends.  They suggest that he have sex with a girl to "even out" Darren's heterosexual past.  I don't think it works that way.  Fortunately, he isn't up for it.

Meanwhile, Darren, Maggie, and Younger Brother raid a church to steal a cross and a statue of Jesus (they accidentally get St. Joseph instead)..  They are arrested.  Fortunately, it's the same church that Dean visited earlier, so the priest doesn't  press charges.  He gives them the contraband.

Scene 13: They are installing the cross and statue, when Dean's friends rush in and explain the latest complication.  They walked across the pedestrian bridge into Canada, where Dean discovered that his work visa has expired, so he can't return to the States. 

Wait -- why didn't they film this scene? Show, don't tell, remember?   It sounds like it would be funny, and they could skip the queasy transphobic subplot!.

Scene 14: Dean's Mom gives him a heart to heart: "Life isn't perfect.  It's messy.  It's chaotic. But that's what makes it worth living."  Nice, coming from a character who has not yet appeared on screen.

Scene 15:  They figure out a clever way to have the wedding anyway.  The two groups, with the cross and St. Joseph statue, meet in the middle of the pedestrian bridge, and while a guard yells "No loitering!", Shibbawitz quickly reads the vows.  Or the Americans could just go to Canada?

My Grade:  Lots of plot complications for their own sake.  Darren and Dean have not the slightest chemistry; they behave as if they can't stand being in the same room with each other.  Transphobic subplot.  All gay men are swishes (except Darren).  But everyone (except Darren  the Insufferable Jerk) is very nice, and there are some good location shots in Buffalo.  I'll give it a B-.

2 comments:

  1. Why do I suddenly have the Rainbow Road song stuck in my head?

    Meh, way too many plot contrivances to keep a thin plot going.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The best thing about the trailer was the brief sighting of the hunky security guard.

    ReplyDelete

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