Downton Abbey: Two Gay Guys, Maybe Three, and a Lot of Britain-Between-the-Wars Glitz

During the 2010s some of my friends became obsessed with something called Downtown Abbey. Conversations at sex parties would move away from penises to the star-crossed lovers Matthew and Mary, or the despicable machinations of Lord Sinderby.  I wasn't paying much attention.  Costume drama -- boring! -- and set in the Victorian Era, so doubtless no gay characters.  The gay interest was probably due to beefcake, but you can see that anywhere.

But the series has just dropped onto Netflix, and with it some surprises: it's actually Downton, not Downton, and set in the early twentieth century, immediately before and during World War I and through the Roaring Twenties.  Was I wrong about the lack of gay characters, too?  I turned on the first episode:

Scene 1:  Beautiful establishing shot of a quaint English village and the majestic Downton Abbey (a house, not a Catholic monastery).  April 1912.  An army of servants climbs out of bed and starts getting things ready, scurrying about the vast mansion/museum that would shame Buckingham Palace, while head butler Mr. Carson supervises.  

The newspaper arrives, and cute brown-haired William (Thomas Howes) dutifully irons the pages.  He reads something startling, and tells Mr. Carson.  Soon the whole servant army knows, as well as the master, Lord Grantham.  It's the sinking of the Titanic -- most of the ladies in first class were taken off in time, but almost everyone else died.  Including James and Patrick!  He rushes to tell Lady Cora.

Scene 2: The army of servants discusses the tragedy.  The dead men were Lord Crowley's cousin and his son.  Now he has no heirs (his daughter Mary doesn't count, of course).  

John Bates (Brendan Coyle), the new head valet, arrives and gets introduced.  He walks with a cane, which causes some gossip.  How will he carry things and climb all those stairs?

Thomas shows him his duties, which hats to put out, which cufflinks are to be used in London, and so on.  Bates comments: "Look at all this wealth within our reach. But none of it's ours." Uh-oh, he's planning a heist.  Thomas, meanwhile, is jealous because he was up for the valet job, and they chose an outsider instead.

Scene 3: Lord and Lady Grantham discussing the entail: he is legally obligated to pass on the estate to his male heirs -- plus all of his money and all of his wife's money.  So if the heirs don't especially like his wife, after his death she is turned out of the house with nothing but cab fare.

Later, Lord Grantham tells daughter Mary, who is not as distraught as he expected. Sure, she was engaged to the cousin's son, but it was just a formality; she didn't really like him.  

Scene 4: The Dowager Countess, Lord Grantham's mother, arrives and starts criticizing everyone, like Lady Grantham for not having the common courtesy of giving birth to a son.  Because of Lady Grantham's naughtiness, the new heir will have to be Lord Grantham's third cousin, once removed.  No one in the family has ever met him.  She suggests finding some way to "smash the entail" so Mary can inherit the estate.

Scene 5: Lord Grantham shows up in the kitchen while the servants are having lunch.  They scurry about.  He welcomes Mr. Bates affectionately.  Um...the two have a history?  Maybe they were boyfriends at Eton.  No, no one who went to Eton would become a valet. 

Scene 6:  Sunday, several weeks later.  While the servants scurry about -- the girls all gaga over Second Footman Thomas (Robert James-Collier, top photo) like he's a rock star -- the family goes to church.   The family lawyer gives Lord Grantham the details about the new heir: a lawyer from Manchester (redneck land, like an American saying "The new heir is from Alabama.").  His deceased father was a doctor.

Lord Grantham: "Why would my third cousin be a doctor?  Aristocrats don't work."

Whoops, the head cook ordered one of the servants to bring some chopped egg upstairs to sprinkle on the chicken, but she grabbed a jar of brass cleaner instead -- deadly poison!  Is something interesting going to happen?  No -- she manages to track it down through the chain of servants before it actually reaches the dining hall.

Scene 7:  Thomas runs down to the village.  To do something interesting, I hope?  Like, anything but discuss the entail.  But we immediately cut to the servants discussing how Bates can't do his job, and Lord Grantham asking him how he's doing, with his old war injury and so many stairs and all.  "I'm fine!" he insists.  Of course he'd say that -- the alternative is being canned.  

Meanwhile, the servants discuss Bates -- he was Lord Grantham's batman (servant) during the Boer War.  "I think it's romantic!"  Really?

Meanwhile Thomas goes to the head butler and tries to sabotage Bates by claiming that he can't finish his duties, so poor William has to help, on top of his own duties.

Scene 8: More discussions of the entail and whether Bates can do his job.  Lady Grantham: "Fighting side by side, you must develop a tremendous bond.  But it doesn't help him to give him a job he can't do."  So make him your secretary -- no stairs.

And Mary goes to meet with her secret boyfriend. But instead of smooching, they break into Bates' room, looking for dirt on him.  

Scene 9: Head Butler tells Lord Grantham, "Bates can't carry things, he drops everything, and he can't serve at the table, so tonight we may be forced to have a maid serving the Duke." Gasp!  

Ok, ok, Lord Grantham has had enough.  He calls Bates into his room and hems and haws.  Bates: "I'll do anything.  Anything.  Because I'm very eager to stay.  Very eager."  Whoa, smoldering look.  "Sorry, Bates, you can't get on your knees, so..."

Scene 10:  Dinner with the extremely attractive Duke (Charlie Cox) - Mary's secret boyfriend!  Gasp! 

  "So, um, Mary, what were you doing with the Duke in the servants' quarters?" 
"Just looking around. Now drop it!"

Meanwhile, the servants gossip.  One of them brings up a tray to Mr. Bates, and sees that he's been crying.  He really, really wanted to stay. 

Scene 11:   Everyone leaves the dining hall, but the Duke stays behind to ask Lord Granham to fight the entail:  "You'll give your entire estate and all of your wife's money to a complete stranger?" Lord Granham refuses, "But Mary will still receive some money, if you want to marry her."

The Duke: "Whaaaa?  There's been some mistake.  I like Mary, but I have no intention of....."

Lord Granham: "You blighter!  You led us on!"

Scene 12: The Duke is inexplicably upset by Lord Granham jumping to conclusions.  He tells Mary "I'm leaving tomorrow first thing.  Tell Thomas (my valet while I'm visiting) that I'm going to bed."

Mary is extremely upset.  "Darn!  I thought I'd hooked up for sure!"

Scene 13: The Duke tells Thomas that he was unsuccessful at talking Lord Grantham into fighting the entail.  "You did the right thing to telegraph me.  It just won't work.  She won't inherit enough money for me to marry her."

Thomas: "Now what?"

The Duke: "Well, I have to have a wife with a lot of money.  Maybe I'll go to New York and look for one."

Thomas: "What about me?"  They hug and kiss.

The Duke: "Well, what can I do?  I can't hire you as my valet.  You'll have to stay here."

Thomas: "But you're in love with me."

The Duke: "One swallow doesn't make a summer."  At least the boy swallows.

Thomas: "What if I blackmail you?  I've got proof of our affair."  

The Duke: "Oh, I burned all those letters.  Face it, mate -- you've been dumped.  Get out."

Scene 14: Bates and Thomas, the two jilted boyfriends, load up the car, glaring.  Lord Grantham feels guilty, and at the last minute gives Bates his job back.  "So what if he can't get on his knees -- there are other positions."

Scene 15:  The lawyer from Manchester (Dan Stevens), now heir to the estate, having breakfast with his mum.  The post arrives -- a letter from Lord Grantham.  Whatever could he want?  He opens it: "To change our lives."  The end.

Beefcake: None.

Heterosexism: No.  People seem to marry for money.

Gay Characters: Thomas and the Duke.  Maybe Mr. Bates.

My Grade: A little long, with too many conversations that repeat the same old stuff without advancing the plot.  The entail, the entail, Bates drops things, the entail.   A lot of people staring for so long that you think the screen is frozen.  And nothing actually happens.  They talk, and talk, and talk. 

But two gay guys, maybe three, so I'll give it a B.