"Record of Ragnarok": The Final! Apocalyptic! Battle! Between! Gods! and Men!

 I've been getting tired of Ragnarok, the Apocalyptic battle between Norse gods and giants that ends the world -- there are two tv series by that name, plus one or more Marvel Universe movies.  But Records of Ragnarok seems to be different -- a Japanese anime mash-up of gods and humans from many different traditions. I wouldn't mind seeing a muscular Zeus or Apollo.  Besides, some of those gods were gay or pansexual.

Scene 1: A gigantic United Nations of gods: monsters, pig-faced, Cthulu, Hermes in a business suit, a very dissolute-looking Lord Shiva, a lady with big breasts.  Wait -- Lord Shiva, being worshipped by 900 million Hindus at this moment?  Should he be there?

A hollow-eyed god calls the meeting to order and announces the new business: a vote to determine whether humanity should be allowed to continue existing.  He says "mankind," a term discarded as sexist over 30 years ago.  The gods are not exactly woke.

They have been meeting every thousand years for the last 7 million to debate this question, and the vote is always "let them live."  Ignorant gods, there have only been modern homo sapiens around for about 200,000 years. 7 million years ago, it was just early primates who didn't even walk upright. But things have changed since 1021 CE: the Industrial Revolution, World War I, World War II, environmental degradation, animal species extinction, global warming!  And women's rights?  Everyone votes "No! 'Mankind' is a curse!  Kill them!"   

But just before they start exterminating "mankind,"  the Valkyrie Brunnhilde interrupts: Let's have a reality tv competition, a god against a "man," 13 rounds (a full season of episodes).  If the "men" win at least 7 rounds, "mankind" gets to stick around, but if the gods win, we'll get to wipe out "mankind."  

"Great idea!  Sounds like fun!  Call off the plague -- we'll do this instead!"

Odin objects: "The moment the match begins, the god will blast the 'man' to oblivion.  What fun is that?"

Brunnhilde: "Well, if you're afraid..."

Odin: "Who, me?  I ain't afraid of no 'mankind'! Bring  on the 'men'!"  

Scene 2:  Thousands of gods and "men" congregate in a giant arena for the first battle.  They discuss who Brunnhilde has picked to represent "mankind."

Eventually Heimdall, a gigantic werewolf, yells "Hey-oh!  Who's ready for some carnage!"  

Representing the gods: An androgynous red-haired Thor!

Representing "mankind": the biggest badass in "man's" history...who else could defeat a god!  Note the rippling muscles, the long tresses!  The final hope of "mankind" is...wait for it...Lu Bu!  A military general of the Han Dynasty, whom no one outside of China has ever heard of.  You might want to include some biographical details here.. 

Scene 3:  The combatants are announced again: Thor representing the gods against Lu Bu representing "mankind"!  Meanwhile, in the stands, gods and "men" trash talk each other, insult the opposing team, discuss strategy, argue about who Brunnhild should have chosen -- things I assume happen at every sports match.  

The combatants are announced a third time.  The final battle between gods and "men" will begin soon!

Scene 4:  The combatants are announced a fourth time.  The final battle between gods and "men" is about to start!  In this corner, Thor -- let's hear all about him again!  And in this corner, representing "mankind" -- you guessed it, the famous Lu Bu!  Won't this be a great match, folks? 

A fifth time.  In a moment, the inal battle between gods and "men" will begin.  Who will win, Thor or Lu Bu?  The energy in the crowd is electric.  They're all wondering who will win, Thor or Lu Bu!

A sixth time.  Any moment now, the final battle between gods and "men" will start!  Are you excited?  Who do you think will win, Thor, the famous god of thunder, or Lu Bu, the famous warrior of imperial China?  

A seventh time.  This is almost it, the final battle between gods and "men"!  In a moment, Heimdall will sound the horn, and... I'm not kidding.  They've been introducing this battle since minute 10.07, and now it's minute 18.51!

Scene 5: The Final Battle Between Gods and Men begins!  Thank God!  Whoops, no it doesn't.  The combatants are announced an eighth time.  In case you've forgotten, they are Thor and Lu Bu.  Aren't you starting to hate those names?

Ok, now it's starting.  Wait -- no, both combatants  (Thor! and Lu Bu!) lower their weapons, too bored to fight!  They approach each other, and hug and kiss, and Lu Bu drops to his knees to give....sorry, I was making up my own story, since this one never starts.

They actually spend two minutes of screen time approaching each other, while everyone in the stands discusses the odd move.  Then we pause for the eighth introduction of Thor!  and Lu Bu!, in case you're getting senile from the 50 years that have passed since this show began.  Who will win the Final Battle. Thor or Lu Bu?   At minute 21.57, they start to fight.  

The end.  WTF?  

Beefcake:  Some muscular gods, and Lu Bu is rather hot.  Thor is too feminine for my tastes.

Gay Characters: Lord Shiva has that ennui-laden, decadent look of someone who is probably gay   Should he be in this disrespectful series?).  Lu Bu has a companion who keeps crying over him.

Tease: 12 minutes introducing the battle ad nauseam, and it never happens! Who thought that announcing Thor! and Lu Bu! eight times in twelve minutes was good story narration?