Scene 1: July 2001. A little boy runs through a small, colorful Azorean village, to a kitchen drug lab, and finds Hunk Protagonist Eduardo (Jose Condesa), a cocaine dealer, wearing a muscle shirt; Silvia, who has pink hair; and BFF Rafael, who wears a backwards baseball cap. He yells that the priest started bleeding and collapsed during the mass. "Fucking hell!" Eduardo exclaims.
Narrator: I could say that the story begins here, but let's go back and talk about the Azores, nine islands in the "middle of fucking nowhere," a 2 1/2 hour flight from Lisbon, with no gay bars and a conservative Catholic population that often exhibits rude and harassing behavior toward gay tourists. Centuries of poverty, isolation, storms, volcanos, earthquakes.
Scene 2: Ten days before: the guys and their swishy blond friend Carlinhos (Andre Leitao, left) load their fishing boat and head out into a stormy sea. Edwardo is surprised that the Gay Guy knows about soccer: "I thought our little lady here only knew about ice skating." Ok, that's mildly homophobic, but at least there's a (probably) gay character.
Scene 3: Silvia dancing and displaying her boobs for five minutes. I knew that would happen.
Scene 4: Eduardo cooking fish for his grungy, not-all-there Dad. Then he takes Dad to the hospital for eye surgery.
He says he's going to the bathroom, but instead runs to the American embassy: his visa application has been rejected due to his lack of education. When he returns to the hospital, he discovers that they gave him the wrong time, so no surgery today. As the great Gilda Radner said, "It's always something."
Meanwhile pink-haired Silvia is applying for the "2001 Miss Ponta Delgada Contest." Why is it Miss and not Senhorita? One of the application questions is: "Who should make the first move, the man or the woman?" How heteronormative. Maybe there are two men or two women!
Scene 5: Back to the storm, with an Italian boat tossing in the waves. The rudder broke; they're in the middle of nowhere. The cabin is swamped; packets of cocaine float about.
After all the bad news, Eduardo's car breaks down in the storm. And you thought you were having a bad day.
Cut to Silvia at a video store, dancing seductively with her boobs hanging out. Eduardo comes in drenched from the storm, gazes at her with Girl-of-His-Dreams horniness, and asks if any new movies are in. That's what you're worried about? She complains about how horrible the Azores are, and flirts with him a bit.
Scene 6: Eduardo in bed in a muscle shirt. He looks at risque photos of Silvia and imagines doing sexy stuff with her.
Meanwhile, the Gay Guy presses-foreheads and hugs but doesn't kiss his older, bald, married boyfriend. Whoa, Gay Guy has a six-pack! Boyfriend turns him around so they can have sex.
The Italian mafiosi have reached the rocky shore and stashed their cocaine.
Scene 7: Morning. Eduardo asks aanother fishing pal) (Rodrigo Tomas) to lend him some money so he can get his car fixed, but the Fishing Pal is poor, too. He offers to give Eduardo a cut in his delivery of hashish to some drug dealers. Uh-oh, Fishing Pal is dating Silvia, the Girl of Eduardo's dreams. The plot thickens.
More Azores after the break
They deliver the stuff to the town's head drug dealer, Arruda, played by Albano Jeronimo. Uh-oh, Arruda wants Eduardo's dog, too! Eduardo pleads, but he is adamant.
Scene 8: Driving home, Eduardo in shock. Can we make a list of all the bad things that have happened to this guy? Plot dump: the town's head drug dealer is Silvia's sort-of Dad.
Cut to a little boy finding a package of cocaine on the beach. Suddenly everyone in town is rushing to grab packages.
Meanwhile, the Italian mafiosi discover that it will take a day to repair their boat. Then they can retrieve their cargo and make the delivery. They discuss how horrible it is to put sweetener in coffee: "Some things are sacred. Fresh water, good wine, a lady's body part" Ugh! At least it took three scenes to identify them as heterosexual. Usually it happens right away. They see the townsfolk rushing past with their cocaine, and exclaim "We're fucked."
Scene 9: The phones are ringing off the hook at the Judiciary Police Station. A hunky cop answers one. Cut to townsfolk sitting on packages of cocaine, using some and collapsing, thinking that it's sugar and putting it on their grapefruit, feeding it to pigs, thinking that it's flour and using it to fry fish. Eduardo rushes to weigh his cocaine package and exclaims "Holy shit." It's worth 22,000 Euros!
Darn, the hunky cop drops from the story, and a middle-aged lady detective is called in.
Cut to the video store, with Silvia and her boyfriend having oral sex while, in another room, the Gay Guy gets high and dances. Eduardo rushes in, gazes at Silvia jealously, and warns Carlitos that cocaine makes your dick soft. Carlitos consoles him: "If there's anyone who understands impossible love..." So gay guys can never have a romantic relationship? They hug.
Eduardo tells the others that there's a lot more cocaine floating in the ocean, waiting for the currents to bring it ashore. They could retrieve it and go into the drug business. But no one is interested.
Scene 10: Eduardo in his boat, in the middle of the night, checking the currents for the cocaine packages. He finds some washed up on shore.
The next day, he gives some of the cocaine to the Head Drug Dealer to get his dog back, then pays to get his car fixed and drives around for awhile, feeling his biceps. He goes home and shows his buds the cocaine that he salvaged, worth 23 million Euros!
They disapprove of the plan: the police and the owners of the cocaine will be showing up soon. But Eduardo says that they can use the cocaine to make their dreams come true: Eduardo, to cure his Dad's blindness; Fishing Buddy, to play soccer; Gay Guy, to move to a gay neighborhood and get a boyfriend rather than random hookups; and Silvia, to get the heck off the Azores. Ok, they're in. Isn't that what they wanted in the Wizard of Oz: a brain, a heart, the noive, a home?
Meanwhile, the Italian mafiosi have dinner and discuss how fucked they are. Maybe they can retrieve some of the cargo? One says "Fuck it," and calls their boss, Don Massimo.
Meanwhile, Eduardo, Silvia, and her Boyfriend are driving somewhere. They smash into a Mafioso, killing him! They check his passport: a foreigner. He has a centipede tattoo, the same symbol that was on the cocaine packages. "Oh, fuck!" The end.
Beefcake: Eduardo in a muscle shirt. The Gay Guy with his shirt open.
Other Sights: A lot of the Azores, but it's usually dark, stormy, and depressing.
Heterosexism: Silvia keeps doing strip-teases, even when there are no guys around for her to seduce. Eduardo tries to win Silvia while not ruining his friendship with her Boyfriend.
Gay Character: Carlinhos gets third billing and appears in all seven episodes, accepted without question by the other characters. He apparently doesn't get a boyfriend, but just being there is enough.
Jose Condessa starred in the queer Western A Strange Way of Life
My Grade: B
Portuguese men are sexy so I might watch it for the eye candy
ReplyDeleteJose Condesa is sexy I hope there is a gay role in his future or maybe there is one his past work
ReplyDelete