On to the next of the new paranormal tv series on Netflix, A Discovery of Witches.
But it's nowhere near Halloween.
Prologue: "It begins with absence and desire. It begins with blood and fear, It begins with..." Coffee and bagels? No, "a discovery of witches."
Scene 1: Nice establishing shots of Oxford. Matthew (Matthew Goode) complains that this was once a world of wonder, but it belongs to the humans now. Demons, vampires, and witches have all gone into the closet.
Cut to a blonde woman rowing in the Thames, then running through the university, taking a shower -- gratuitous nudity, at Minute 2, no fair! -- eating breakfast, packing up her stuff, and pausing to gaze despondently at a photograph of her and her boyfriend. Actually, the lady in the photo seems a year or two older, so maybe it's her lookalike sister or mother. Looking at her makes Rowing Lady extremely depressed, so she must be dead.
Biking across town, locking up her bike -- whoops, her papers fall out and scatter, but she uses her magic powers to retrieve them. Fortunately, no one sees her.
Scene 2: Rowing Lady, Diane, is a Visiting Research Fellow who took her D.Phil. in the History of Science from Oxford, published two prize-winning books, and got tenure at Yale. In the History of Science?
In her powerpoint presentation, she theorizes that the Renaissance alchemists were actually describing real chemical processes. She's going to research the manuscripts of Elias Ashmole , after whom they named the Ashmolean Library. A lady rushes up and offers her a position at Oxford, and wants to know if her book is ready yet. She hasn't started the research yet, nitwit.
Scene 4: Diane has coffee with an old friend from Oxford, who gazes at her -- ex-girlfriend? She was trained in classical history, where there are no jobs, so she's just an adjunct. And there are jobs in the history of science?
The friend invites her to the coven tonight, but Diane isn't comfortable around magic after what happened to her parents. Witch burning?
Scene 5: In another building, a guy -- maybe Matthew? -- is praying with his rosary. Um -- Oxford is Anglican
Cut to Diane in the Ashmolean Library, ordering books from the hunky library guy, played by Ezra Idun. But the book whispers at her, and some pages have been cut out. And the Praying Guy hears a heart beat! In other news, her needy friend drops by to flirt with her some more.
As Diane types her notes, the lights flash and everybody hears the whispering. Praying Guy gets a call from a woman, who explains that their blood is reacting to something. They must be vampires. Catholic vampires who go out in the daytime. He uses his super-hearing to locate the disturbance
Meanwhile, Diane finds that touching the pages burns her! She returns the book and rushes out of the building, bumping into a passerby who looks like her dad! Praying Guy is watching her suspiciously.
Scene 6: Two guys walking down the hall. Marcus, played by Edward Bluemel, right, asks his buddy James, played by Adam Stevenson, to get together later, but he's too tired: "last week was a mistake." The sex was too energetic? This suddenly became interesting.
They'll go midweek, where they can get a booth and listen to R&B. More romantic that way.
"How come you never look tired?" Adam asks. Cause I'm a vampire, buddy. They say goodbye with a hug. A gay couple!
More after the breakAs James crosses the street, he's hit by a car! Marcus rushes to him, tries to perform first aid, but he's dying. After checking to see if anyone's around, Marcus bites him, then gives him his own blood so he'll turn into a vampire. But he's too late: James dies. Darn, bury your gays 2 minutes after introducing them.
I read ahead: Marcus is straight. This became less interesting. Killing off your gay-subtext buddy bond to leave room for hetero-romance?
Scene 7: Matthew in his office telling a woman that a witch is on campus, and found The Book. She thinks he's crazy: The Book has been lost for hundreds of years. "Or maybe it was waiting."
Scene 8: Diane calls a lesbian witch couple in Madison County, New York to tell them about the crazy book. They get mad at her for returning it: when you come across something magical, you have an obligation to investigate. She yells that she wants nothing to do with magic, and hangs up. Then why did you call two witches?
Scene 9: Vampire Marcus reporting his good buddy's death by hit-and-run to the police. They are suspicious. Praying Guy Matthew is furious: "You could have been seen! And did you get his consent?" Dude, he wasn't conscious.
They return to the lab to conduct research into why the "siring" didn't work. And there have been other failures. No vampire knows why. The Book might tell us, but a witch named Diane has it. Witches must not be allowed that information, or they would use it to exterminate the vampires.
Scene 10: Diane in the library, looking for an 1852 volume of Notes and Queries. Hey, I thought you were supposed to request them out front. She tries to grab it, but it flies away, and Matthew catches it.
They recognize each other as a witch and a vampire right away.. While gazing with Girl-of-My-Dreams longing, he cites a few of her scholarly papers to impress her.
Scene 11: Diane's needy friend tells the head of the coven that the disturbance they all felt was caused by Diane touching The Book.
Meanwhile, Diane is in a coffee shop, googling Matthew, when he shows up! He wants to warn her about The Book, Ashmole 782. Word is spreading, both vampires and demons know that it turned up again, and if they think Diane has it, they will attack. She brushes him off and leaves. Maybe you'd have better luck asking about her favorite movie.
Scene 12: Diane looks at more musty books until closing time, then goes to a bar to get a drink from a guy played by Tomiwu Edun or Parker Sawyers. She's on a date with the library guy.
First date small talk hint: don't mention that both of your parents were murdered. And especially don't mention that they were murdered because they were witches.
Scene 13: Finland. Two hunters, one Zak Owens, venture into the dark woods. They invade a cottage. She's not there, but the bed is still warm, so she can't have gone far.
Whoops, she appears and creates a magic hole, and in falls one of the hunters! The other hunter is really the High Head Adjudicator or something, testing her powers. She passed, so he makes her his assistant.
Scene 14: The Head High Adjudicator and his Assistant interview Diane's needy friend. She tells them the same darn story about the whispering book.
Scene 15: Matthew shows up at the library to repeat, word for word, what he said in Scene 12: "He wants to warn her about The Book, Ashmole 782. Word is spreading, both vampires and demons know that it turned up again, and if they think Diane has it, they will attack. She brushes him off and leaves."
Next Matthew breaks into Diane's apartment to look for the book, and stalks her at the coffee kiosk, while she's jogging, and while she's rowing. Dude, the lady said no. He accosts her at the boat house: he doesn't believe that she gave back the book, so where is it?
Suddenly he tells he to walk away quickly, but don't run. She looks back in horror. It's unclear whether he's vampirizing and not in control of his bestial instincts, or protecting her from another monster. The end.
Beefcake: No.
Other Sights: Beautiful shots of Oxford.
Heterosexism: Surely Diane will fall in love with Matthew.
Gay Characters: The lesbian couple. In Season 2, Diane and Matthew travel to Renaissance England, where they encounter playwright Christopher Marlowe. He was gay in real life, but here he's just ambiguous.
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