Scene 1: The judges in a dance contest held in a high school gym -- they're actually named Do, Re, Mi, Fa -- complaining about that one of the contestants is disabled. Soon they'll be getting special parking spaces. And France is full of scroungers. The producer tells them to choose the elderly couple, for the optics.
The contest begins. All male-female couples. One strips down to their underwear. They choose the elderly couple to go on to the next level.
Scene 2: Alexandre (Alexandre Steiger, left and top photo), and his wife in bed. He complains that has to go see his parents in a pathetic old-person's dance contest: "They refuse to be parents and look after us." She climbs out of bed to get something. Ugh. I'm fast forwarding.
Meanwhile, the Elderly Couple. talk to their banker. Their account is overdrawn by 2,800 euros, they have 78,000 in loans coming due, and their pension is only 2,000 per month. So they really need this dance contest prize money.
Scene 3: The Secretary of Finance, Christophe Paou, meets with his associate, Thierry. They discuss each other's muscles and handsomeness while Alexandre and Norma look on, bemused by the ridiculousness of two men liking each other.
There's no Thierry in the cast list, but it may be Denis Podalytes as Le ténor du Barreau. Nobody sings in the movie, so maybe "tenor" means something different in French, some sort of public servant.
Down to business: a journalist is snooping into the Secretary's overseas accounts, where he has stashed the 100,000 euros he has skimmed off the country's budget.
"Wait -- you're not [a homophobic slur]?" Thierry asks, surprised. I couldn't understand the French phrase. He thought the Secretary needed a bigger scandal cleaned up, like being gay, not a simple embezzlement. No, he's "normal."
Um...former prime minister Gabriel Attai was gay. So was the Mayor of Paris. And 11 members of Parliament. How is writer/director Jean-Christophe Meurisse so painfully unaware of the attitude toward LGBT people in his own country?
Scene 4: A Girl is seeing her gynecologist to prepare for her first experience. Gynecologist describes her body parts in creepy detail and says to expect it to be awful.
On the way home, riding her bike through town, the Girl is insulted by a taxi driver played by Pascal Tagnati. He yells profanity and homophobic slurs. She pretends not to hear him, then starts yelling. Why did he suddenly start yelling insults? Does he hate bike riders?
Scene 5: The Secretary and his staff discuss how to cut the budget. Crack down on welfare fraud. Eliminate free school lunches. Criminalize single mothers.
Alexandre has dinner with his parents, the Elderly Couple, plus his brother and sister. They all criticize each other and complain about how terrible Paris is. Plus there are trams everywhere -- they mean buses, not baby carriages: "If you're not on a bike, single, no kids, you're in the sh*t!" So I guess the taxi driver just hates
Scene 6: The Secretary being interviewed about his interest in sports. He discusses balls in a way that seems...never mind. Later, they film him chopping wood, cooking, and with his wife, trying to look like he's attracted to her. So he's secretly gay.
Later, Alexandre, Thierry, and the Secretary are in the sauna. Thierry complains: "Never again. Do you realize what you made me do? It's huge." He means that he got rid of the snoopy journalist.
New theme or topos: a car drives through the night to a quote from Gramschi: "The old world is dying, the new world struggles to be born. Now is the time for monsters."
The Monster after the break
Scene 1: The monster is Le Detraque, which means "someone off the tracks, deranged," but translated as a homophobic slur. The Detraque is a swishy gay guy in a Japanese kimono, feeding meat to his giant pig and looking sultry as he watches the Secretary on tv, talking about budget cuts.
The Secretary drives through the night, explaining on the phone that he had to fire his driver. Then he phones the party host to ask how many girls will be there, and what age and nationality. Wait -- I thought they were setting up the Secretary to be gay.
Uh-oh, flat tire. He tries to change it himself, but fails, and knocks on the Detraque's door to ask for a mallet. I'm reminded of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which premiered 50 years ago but was far less homophobic.
There's a light shining at the Frankenstein place.
There's a light burning in the fireplace.
There's a light shining in the darkness of everybody's life.
Drooling, pretending not to recognize him, the Detraque invites him in. They chat; he asks if the Secretary likes to do things with his money. Too soon, dude. Knock him out first.
Ok, here comes the drug. Secretary collapses. Detraque puts on a crazy plastic mouthpiece, then does things to him while giving him policy suggestions. All gay men are evil, got it.
Meanwhile, the elderly couple are performing at the dance contest, and the Girl is at a party where a lot of shirtless boys are doing a slip-and-slide on the tablecloth. The boy she likes isn't into it, however. He keeps procrastinating, so she kisses him to get the activity started.
Scene 2: The dance judges are discussing how they can't choose a mediocre couple just to be nice, or "you're playing into the hands of the National Front." They don't choose the Elderly Couple. Devastated, they go into the bathroom and cry.
Meanwhile, the Detraque is driving the kidnapped Secretary somewhere in his van. "Don't blame me, Mr. Secretary. I'm a monster, but society made me that way." Everything was fine growing up, until his dad was laid off from his job at the factory, and.., Psych! He made it all up. He was just born gay/evil.
Scene 3: The Girl and her boyfriend initiate the activity: closeup of her body, none of him. She doesn't like it, so she tries bouncing on top of him, which he doesn't like. He starts screaming, but she...well, never mind.
The Detraque arrives at Parliament and ties the Secretary to the fence with "Je suis a [homophobic slur]." Got to get that homophobia in there.
Later, as the Girl walks home, the Detraque jumps out of his van and grabs her. But he was getting ready for bed when the Secretary appeared. Why would he want another victim? Besides, I thought he was gay/evil.
Scene 4: Back home, the Detraque is trying to cook crepes, but the Girl's screaming and crying are too distracting. When is he going to feed someone to his hog?
When he falls asleep, she frees herself, ties him up, and looks for something to defend herself with. Shears? A machete? A saw? Wrong movie, girlfriend. She settles for doing something that I can't mention here.
Meanwhile, the Elderly Couple is doing something else that I can't mention here.
Scene 5: Alexandre gets a phone call about the Secretary being tied in front of Parliament.
As he drives away, he gets a voice mail from his brother about the Elderly Couple's financial problems. Too late now. He gets into a road rage fight with the taxi driver who insulted the Girl earlier, and gets maced..
Pascal Tagnati wrote, directed, and starred in The Fan, a short about a Corsican guy named Pascal who spends his vacation in Manchester.
Scene 6: Some time later, Alexandre , who turns out to be a lawyer, meets with the Girl. He explains that she is being accused of "acts of torture and barbarity," aggravated by "evident cruelty": she could have just left. At the trial, she should spin herself as the victim: look vulnerable, cry. She refuses: she wants to tell the truth. No, she has to lie to save herself.
Meanwhile. The Secretary meets with someone. He has to sit on a donut because his bottom is so sore. Wait -- I thought that this wa some time later. Anyway, it's nons.
We don't see what happens in the meeting; presumably he's fired for being gay. The end.
Beefcake: Some bare chests, the Secretary nude and a little of the gay guy's body overwhelmed by the endless female body parts.
Gay Characters: Just the gay/evil guy.
Homophobic: Granted, these are all despicable people, but OMG, the homophobia is amazing. I haven't seen anything this heinous since Cruising. Not only the Pervert, but casual homophobic slurs, references to gay people as disgusting, and the implication that if they are discovered, they will be instantly fired.
Um..sexual orientation has been a protected category in the French Labor Code since 1985. Gay men can adopt, get married, serve in the military, and donate blood. 500,000 people attended the 2019 Pride Festival in Paris.
The Plot Threads: The Elderly Couple who wanted to win the dance contest were the parents of Alexandre, who worked for the Secretary. But I don't see the connection to the Girl.
The Pig: The Pervert is feeding his pig in all of the movie posters. But he never feeds anyone to the pig. What was the point?
Bloody Oranges: In French, oranges sanguines. I figured it would be a common French expletive. But apparently the writer/director made it up.
My Grade: Actually, it was fascinating to see such blatant and deep homophobia and such a complete ignorance of gay rights in France. Comment dans le monde est-ce possible?
I kept thinking, No, they won't be going there. They'll have a positive gay character to balance out the Detraque, or they'll say "He doesn't represent all gay people," like they did in Cruising. But no, the Detraque represents all gay people.
See also: Lucien Laviscourt: Shirtless in soaps, romcoms, Shakespeare, and Archie Comics.
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