There are three reasons that Shardlake, a four-episode tv series on Hulu, gives me bad vibes.
1. It is set during the reign of Henry VIII. Maybe in British schools you get lectured on this every year, but all I know about Henry VIII is that he broke away from the Roman Catholic Church, married a lot -- I'm related to Ann Bolyn -- and was played by Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep Thomas Cromwell, Thomas Cranmer, William Cecil, and William Paulet straight.
2. Do you know what a "shard" is in America?
3. It stars Sean Bean, who I thought was Mr. Bean, the annoying Borat-like character. Turns out that Sean Bean has no connection to Mr. Bean. He played Boromir in The Lord of the Rings and Ned Stark in Game of Thrones. Might as well give it a try.Prologue: Crows cawing at a gloomy looking monastery. Sinister looking guy goes down the stairs, crosses the courtyard, unlocks a door, and heads down to the basement -- where a knight slices off his head!
Scene 1: Hunky guy with a upper-body limb difference washes, shows a little chest, gets dressed. He tells an off-camera Matthew, no doubt his boyfriend, that he's "ready for whatever the day brings."
No boyfriend: he's Matthew Shardlake, talking to himself.
Shardlake is played by Arthur Hughes, left, who is limb-different in real life. He has appeared in a lot of Doctor Who movies, starred in the soap The Archers, and played Richard III.
Meanwhile, a young guy gallops across the countryside for five minutes. You assume that he's going to be a main character, but he delivers a letter and vanishes from the story.
It's for Lord Cromwell. Thomas Cromwell, chief minister to Henry VIII from 1534 to 1540, when he was beheaded.
Bad news: "My representative! My voice! This cannot go unpunished!" They must have murdered his representative in the monastery.
Scene 2: Shardlake snarls through town. People jump out of his way and cross themselves in fear. He stops to watch a magical parrot say "God save King Harry," but condemns it as a trick. Harry is Henry VIII.
A guy tries to pick him up. After substantial flirtation, he admits that he's actually summoning him to see Lord Cromwell. He seems to like-like Shardlake. Maybe a gay-subtext is brewing.
He's Jack Barak, played by Anthony Boyle, left.
There's been a murder, "a friend of yours. Poor Lord Singleton." Robin Singleton, fictional, sent by Lord Cromwell to investigate the Monastery of St. Donatus, also fictional.
Scene 3: Their meeting. Lord Cromwell is in a mood. Back story: Ann Bolyn was executed a few months ago. This is the fall of 1536. He shows Shardlake two skulls of Saint Barbara confiscated from monasteries to demonstrate how monks lie about everything, and has him read the letter revealing the murder.
His assignment: They're going to start closing monasteries, confiscating their wealth, and passing it out to the nobility. But you can only close them if you can prove that the monks are "papists, thieves, or sodomites." Aren't monks all Roman Catholics, so papists by definition? That's what Robin Singleton was researching. So Shardlake must discover who killed him, hopefully a monk, and get on with the investigation of monastic evil.
Jack is assigned to accompany Shardlake. Being a misanthrope, he doesn't want any traveling companions, but it's an order from Lord Cromwell. Maybe they'll fall in love.
Scene 6: While snarling through town, Shardlake encounters a tough, who tells him to go into that house and up the stairs, then disappears from the story. Grr.
He meets with Lord Norfolk, Thomas Howard, the uncle of Ann Bolyn. He's my great-great-great, etc. grandfather!
An opponent of Lord Cromwell, Norfolk wants to know why Shardlake was cozying up to him. "I'm to investigate a murder at St. Donatus, and then close the monastery so Lord Cromwell can confiscate its wealth." Norfolk disapproves: "It is theft in the name of God."
Norfolk is played by Peter Firth, left, who showed us his equipment in Equus, but is now 70 and a bit crotchety.
More crotchety guys after the break
Scene 7: Ok, now we come to the Lady, Alice, gathering...pebbles?...on a cold, foggy beach. She walks back to the monastery to bring dinner to Dr. Goodhap, the assistant to the dead guy. He doesn't want any; they may be trying to poison him. "Satan is in control of this place!"
Meanwhile, the monks are discussing the trouble they're going to get into when the new guy, Shardlake, starts digging around.
Scene 8: Shardlake is having dinner when his maid announces that an "annoying codpiece" is at the door. It's Jack, his Cromwell-appointed traveling companion, who sits, has some broth, and flirts extensively with the maid, even double-taking at her butt as she leaves. Boo! They teased that he was gay!
Jack: "She's a very well-built woman."
Shardlake: "I do not like you." That makes two of us, Shard Baby.
Shardlake bursts out of the room, complaining to Matthew -- himself -- that he could wear a gigantic codpiece, too, but it wouldn't make any difference, because he still has his limb difference and walks with a limp, so nobody wants to have sex with him. The codpiece would help, believe me. Half the guys in West Hollywood walk around with a sock in their pants.
Scene 9: Shardlake and Hetero-Horny Jack gallop toward the monastery. Brother Mortimus, the Abbot's assistant, greets them in a surly tone. Hetero-Horny Jack gazes lustfully at Lady Alice, who appeared earlier, gathering pebbles.
A servant is so surprised by the newcomers that he drops his jar of wine. Brother Mortimus starts yelling at him, but Shardlake defends him. Is he going to vanish from the story, too?
Brother Mortimus is played by Brian Vernel, who plays Billy Wallace in Gangs of London, but he doesn't look anything like the guy who popped up when I searched for "Brian Vernel n*de"
Scene 10: Shardlake waiting in the ornate chapel, while a mysterious hooded figure watches. He interview the Doctor, but Lord Singleton never told him anything, so he has no idea if anyone has a motive. We are also introduced to Brother Gabriel, who may become important later, or may vanish from the story.
Scene 11: Dinner. More flirting between Jack and the Lady. The monks accuse Brother Gabriel of being a sodomite. He denies it, but the elderly, jabbering Brother Jerome, played by Paul Kaye, yells "We are all sodomites. Sodomites, gluttons, and hoarders. And Thomas Cromwell is the Antichrist, and you are his evil minions!" After some more ranting, he grabs a knife to attack, but the other monks drag him off.
The Abbot explains. "He is not of our order. He's one of those no-good, traitorous Carthusians. We were forced to admit him because he's cousin to the new queen." Jane Seymore, whom Henry married after Ann Bolyn, and died of postnatal complications in October 1537. "We all love you, of course, and think your boss Thomas Cromwell is the most wonderful person who ever lived."
Shardlake wants to know why everyone in the monastery is so fearful. "They're afraid of you."
Scene 12: Shardlake examines the body, and Sherlock Holmes his way into a description of the murderer: medium height, an expert swordsman. Are there any former soldiers among the monks?
Later, he watched the servant from before, Whelplay -- Joe Barber -- lighting candles. The interview: "Lord Singleton asked me if I'd been affectionate, but I haven't." Whoops, "affectionate" must be a euphemism for gay kissing. Shardlake seems quite taken by Whelplay. Maybe they'll start a romance.
He's afraid to say more. Shardlake promises to protect him, but the hooded figure is watching, so he scrams. Sharlake chases it up and down stairs and through corridors, until it knocks him over and rushes away.
Scene 13: Whelplay sets a homemade cross afloat in a pool, mourning a dead person. Obviously a boyfriend, the first to be murdered. Then he goes into the dining hall, eats some pills he found on the floor. and collapses. The Abbot, Babou Ceesay, sits at his desk, glowering.
Um...when I searched for "Babou Ceesay" n*de, I got a photo of a white guy. But Babou is black. Looks like we have some n*de baiting going on.
Whelplay is in the infirmary, with a fever, lung congestion, and a nasty blow to the head. He insists on speaking to Shardlake in private: "Singleton was not the first to be killed." He starts crying. "I warned her of the danger." Darn, he's straight. All that queer coding for nothing. Shard Baby, you're my last hope.
Did Whelplay mean that the Lady Alice is in danger? Shardlake interviews her, but she says she does not feel threatened. Nothing has happened here except the usual invitations and butt-grabs, like all women get.
He rushes back to his room and criticizes himself: "A pretty face, and you turn into a fool!" He's straight, too? Darn. Why did it take to minute 49 to out him?
A few minutes of moody setting-stuff, and we're done with Episode 1.
Beefcake: Shardlake takes his shirt off.
Other Sights: Lots of nice location shots in the palaces and monastery.
Gay Characters: Jack -- wait, he started flirting with ladies. Whiplay -- wait, he likes a lady. Shardlake -- wait, he likes a lady, too.
Character Overload: They keep introducing characters that you think are important, but they are never mentioned again.
Will I Keep Watching: After being queerbaited three times? Heck, no.
Henry was married six times, not nine (divorced 2,executed 2, one survived him, one died of sepsis after giving birth).
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm trying to demonstrate that I don't know much about Tudor England, right?
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