Link to the n*de photos
It's a Wonderful Knife, appeared on my Hulu feed with an interesting premise: A year after Winnie saves the town from a psycho-killer, she wishes she had never been born, and gets her wish. So she never existed, and the town is still saddled with the psycho-killer. She must team up with "town misfit" Bernie to defeat him.
Sounds heteronormative, as usual, but call-backs to It's a Wonderful Life might be fun. Besides, it stars Justin Long, one of my 1990s crushes.
Scene 1: Establishing shot of the town of Angel Falls -- Wonderful Life was in Bedford Falls, har har -- , with Mayor Henry (Justin) extolling the benefits of his new housing development. Switch to a Christmas festival, with Henry making a speech. Check out the creepy masked nun-angel atop the Christmas tree -- it will be important later.
As Main Girl Winnie and her Dad (Joe McHale, top photo) and brother walk home, Mayor Henry and his Adult Brother Buck (Sean Depner, left) grab them to ask what they thought of his speech. Brother Jimmy notes that Buck has started an OnlyFans page -- where you subscribe to see a guy's selfies.
He asks "Buck, do you remember me? You were my PeeWee Football coach!"
Buck ignores him. Disappointed, Jimmy says "Please shoot me." A very subtle queer moment, but better than nothing: Jimmy is gay.
Sean Depner, who is gay in real life, actually does have a MyFans account, or at least some selfies online.In other news, Mayor Henry needs an Old Guy to sign over his house so he can build his housing development. He drags Dad off to help talk him into it, even though it's Christmas Eve.
Scene 2: The Old Guy refuses to sign, because his family has lived there for generations, and it goes to his granddaughter after he's gone. Henry: "You're the past. I'm the future. Get with the program, Boomer." Actually, he looks more like the Greatest Generation
Granddaughter Cara comes downstairs, tells Grandpa how much she loves him, and notes that they're both invited to dinner at Main Girl Willa's house tomorrow . Mayor Henry creepily says "You be safe, now," and she's off to the big Christmas Eve party.
Scene 3: At home, Mom gives a rainbow ornament to "my gay son." Ok, Jimmy is outed. Aunt comes in with her wife, annoyed because her in-laws won't believe that they are married, not roommates. Ok, she is outed in her first sentence. That's three gay characters, plus two LGBT cast members -- Willa is played by nonbinary actor Jane Widdop. This is turning into quite a queer-friendly movie.
Winnie runs out to go to the party with Best Friend Cara -- the only thing standing between Mayor Henry and housing development plan, remember? Their boyfriends, Eddie and Robbie, will meet them there.
Back at the ancestral house, Grandpa is staring morosely at the fire, when there's a knock on the door. It's a psycho-killer dressed like the creepy masked nun-angel! Why not just steal his heart medication?
Scene 4: At the big party, Winnie wants to make friends with the Town Outcast, but a Mean Girl pulls her away -- guess what? Outcast Bernie is a girl. I bet she was a boy in the first draft, but they changed her gender so...wait...Boyfriend Robbie and Brother Jimmy arrive and brag about their scores at the big football game. Then Jimmy goes off to cruise a "brooding, artistic type," Best Friend Cara and the Mean Girl go off with their boyfriends, and Winnie is left alone.
Scene 5: Cut to Jimmy and the Brooding, Artistic Guy smooching in the woods. Uh-oh, a twig snaps. It's the Nun-Angel, leaving them alone. Not a homophobe, anyhow.
Jimmy is played by Aidan Howard, who is gay in real life. Three queer cast members.
More after the break.
Cut to Best Friend Cara and her boyfriend, played by Oscar Chark, kissing. Suddenly the Nun-Angel stabs him from behind, through the mouth with a candy cane!
The Nun-Angel chases her back to the party and stabs her multiple times. The teens all run away, but Winnie tries to rescue her. Too late, she's dead.
And now the Nun-Angel is after Jimmy! Why did it ignore him before? Winnie rescues him and ends up electrocuting the Nun-Angel to death. It's Mayor Henry!
Scene 6: A year has passed. Dad David and Brother Jimmy in a commercial for their realty company, claiming that "our community is renewed, and stronger than ever: everyone has a smile." Winnie hates it. She gazes morosely at pictures of her dead bff, and gets a rejection email from the BFA program in photography at New York University.
The family goes out to dinner. OnlyFans Buck yells at Winnie for killing his older brother, Mayor Henry, and notes that "your family is thriving because of what you did." He threatens to "f*cking end you."
Back home, they're all watching a cheesy Christmas romcom and passing out Christmas Eve presents. Winnie gets workout clothes, hint hint. The aunts are annoyed: "You never give women gifts that judge their bodies." Jimmy, however, gets a new truck!
Winnie loses it and starts yelling, because of the stupifying inequality in gifts, and because the family that spent every Christmas with them was murdered last year, and they don't seem to care.
Scene 7: Winnie goes off to a Christmas Eve party at Boyfriend Robbie's house. Town Outcast Bernie knows where he is, but doesn't want to say, because he's in the laundry room, smooching with a Mean Girl! He notes that they have been sneaking around behind her back for a year. So -- why not just break up with her?
Winnie rushes out, stands morosely on a bridge -- Wonderful Life callback -- under the Northern Lights. Is this Alaska or northern Quebec? -- And wishes that she was never born.
Splat -- the power goes out. And there's a guy stumbling around with a knife in his eye. The Nun-Angel is back! It chases her past a picture of Mayor Henry, still alive!
She finds Buck, now the Sheriff, who doesn't recognize her. The Nun-Angel murders are no big deal -- it strikes every couple weeks. She is about to tell him the killer's identity when Mayor Henry shows up and interrogates her: "You didn't really see who it was, did you?"
Scene 8: Back home, where no one recognizes her. She claims to be Jimmy's classmate -- but Jimmy is dead! Everything is awful. Mom is drunk and openly smooching with her side piece in front of her husband. Auntie is not married.
On to the Big Party, where the teens are spray-painting graffiti on the walls, smoking crack, and punching each other in the groin. Winnie figures out that she was never born, and convinces Town Outcast Bernie to help her.
I'm out of space, so I'll stop there.
Beefcake: Two shirtless shots.
Gay Characters: Originally everyone was straight except for Jimmy, the Gay Brother. Then, as the actors playing Winnie and town outcast Bernie worked on their scenes, they announced to the showrunners, "We're in love." So they were shifted from platonic pals to girlfriends, and got a scene of holding hands and a fade-out kiss. And Winnie's straight, unmarried aunt got a wife.
Plot Holes: I really shouldn't complain about a movie with six queer characters, but why did Mayor Henry keep on killing after he got the house he wanted? Maybe it was so he could say "I'm the only one who can keep you safe" and institute draconian rules like a 9:00 curfew. We never find out why Winnie got her "never been born" wish, or how she returned, except that the Aurora Borealis was flashing.
My Grade: B
Bonus: Sean Depner's selfies on RG Beefcake and BoyfriendsSee also: The Final Girls: Psycho-slasher with two queer characters and Adam Devine's bulge
Meet Me Next Christmas: A drag show, a queer cousin, Pentatonix, and a dancer's dick
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