"RIverdale" Season 3: Turgid Plot, Endless Abs

Riverdale, the teen soap opera very roughly based
  on characters from Archie comics, is now in its third season.  The plotlines about serial killers, gang leaders, and "buying Pop's diner" have mostly been resolved -- face it, all of the parents in town except for Fred Andrews are pure evil.   We just need to tie up some loose ends.

Like Archie (K.J. Apa's abs) on trial for the murder of someone I don't remember from last year, with his mother as his defense attorney.

Um...he's fifteen years old.  Juveniles don't get jury trials.  And Mom should definitely recuse herself.

While the jury is deliberating, the gang has one final weekend of hugging and reliving their childhoods.

Archie tosses a football with Reggie (Charles Melton's abs).

They work on that classic jalopy from the comics.  It's from the 1920s --it was an old car when Archie first started driving it in 1941. If it existed  today, it would never be used for everyday driving.

 Sweet Pea (Jordan Connor's abs) tries to get with Josie (of the Pussycats), but she demurely crosses her legs.  Was there another subplot going on?

Then  Archie decides to accept a plea bargain--   two years at the Leopold and Loeb Juvenile Detention Center, a Big House named after two infamous child-murderers, heavy-laden with every cliche this side of an old Humphrey Bogart movie.

He meets his surly roommate Mad Dog (Eli Goree's abs) and reunites with some old enemies -- he's personally responsible for most of the inmates being there.

Although juveniles are required to get the same education they would get on the outside, the inmates here seem to do nothing but sit around displaying their abs, glaring at each other and picking fights.

Fortunately, Archie doesn't stay in prison long. Even though he's pleaded guilty, so there's no recourse, he gets sprung so K.J. Apa's abs can be present for the new plotline:

Students at Riverdale High are becoming obsessed with a new Dungeons-and-Dragons style  game.


Really? A Dungeons and Dragons cautionary tale, in 2019?  We had Mazes and Monsters, with Tom Hanks going crazy  after playing. 37 years ago.

Jughead starts investigating, and finds an eerie ritual,with  Dilton Doiley dead and Ben (Moses Thiessen's abs) in a coma.

You have to pity Ben -- he's already been murdered by Miss Grundy in the first season, and he drove all the way over to Greendale to get murdered on Sabrina. 

We flashback to the 1990s, when all of the parents were in high school at exactly the same time, and played a similar Dungeons-and-Dragons style game, and introduced something unspeakably evil into the world.

What did I tell you?  Parents are evil.

Oh, and another subplot involves the gay guy, Kevin Keller  (Casey Cott's abs) negotiating romance with Moose (Cody Kearsley's abs, left), but then getting with Fangs Fogarty (Drew Ray Tanner's abs, below) before joining a weird cult called the Farm.

Dungeons and Dragons and a cult?  It's the 1980s all over again.












Awful stuff, but look on the bright side -- you can see more abs in ten minutes of Riverdale than on a whole season of anything else. Somebody has a fetish.

Gary Gygax and the Homophobic World of Dungeons and Dragons

When I was in college, Dungeons and Dragons was The Big Thing.  Everybody who was anybody -- and by that I mean the guys who hung out at Adam's Bookstore -- played. 

Actually, I never got into it, but I always felt that I should.  On the surface, it seems appealing -- creating a Medieval character and going on a quest, with dragons, orcs, elves, mages, runes, magic swords, barrow wights, you name it.  But the actual play felt mechanical and soulless.  "You raise your sword. Throw the dice to see if you slay the goblin.  You have lost 3 strength points but added five points to your stamina.  Roll the dice again."

I've never got into board games, either.  They call them "bored" games for a reason.

But it still brings back memories of that halcyon time, when Tolkien,  Renaissance Faires, the Society for Creative Anachronism, Isaac Asimov, Old Norse Sagas, Celtic folklore, comic books, and Dungeons and Dragons evoked a bright, glittering alternative to the dull world of jobs and marriages that we were destined for.  So, out of nostalgia, I bought Empire of Imagination: Gary Gygax and the Birth of Dungeons and Dragons.














Also the cover illustration was sort of cool, and author Michael Witwer is cute.

The first half of the book was very interesting, and very well written.  We hear about Gary Gygax (1938-2008) growing up in Chicago and then the far suburb of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, exploring an abandoned asylum, having paranormal experiences, buddy-bonding with his best friend Dan, getting involved with the fledgling military role-playing game community of the 1960s.

Finding a bright, glittering alternative to the dull world of jobs and marriages that they were destined for.

Then suddenly destiny hits.  Gary gets married and has a lot of kids, gets a job, earns extra money by writing and editing gaming magazines.

For awhile the gaming world and the mundane world co-exist.  Gary plays his war games most nights with groups of boys and young men.  Sometimes, when it gets too late, he spends the night.  His wife is certain that he's having an affair, and storms into the house, only to be relieved to find him surrounded by teenage boys.

Yest she never suspects that he might be gay?

Then Gary invents Dungeons and Dragons, with no fanfare and no detail. 

The rest of the book is dull, dull, dull!  Gary sells a share of the business for a 10% royalty, corresponds with gaming publishers, negotiates with p.r. firms, gets rich, buys a mansion, gets a regular seat at the Playboy Club, has affairs with lots and lots of young ladies -- to the consternation of his wife, who breaks up with him on the plane on the way to London.

The joy is gone, buried under an avalanche of ledge books and tax forms.

And I found out a lot about Gary Gygax. Though Witwer tries to sugarcoat it as much as possible, it becomes increasingly obvious that Gary Gygax was not a nice person.  Authoritarian, imperious, judgmental, a leering, sexist jerk, promoting old-fashioned gender stereotypes.  An "America: Love It or Leave It" warmonger.  And, I assume, homophobic.

At least the author is.  Gay people do not exist in his book except in one story.  The 1980s backlash against Dungeons and Dragons began when a 16-year old college freshman, James Dallas Egbert III, vanished from his college campus.

The media latched onto D&D as the culprit, no doubt causing him to commit suicide (actually, he just ran away).

But, Witwer tells us, the lad was already unstable long before he discovered D&D.  He was an outsider, a science geek, too intelligent for his own good, and "an emergent homosexual."

I don't know what an emergent homosexual is, but it can't be good.

I feel betrayed.  One of the icons of my childhood has been tarnished.  The bright glittery world had a homophobic underbelly.

See also Dungeons and Dragons; Six Naked College Boys