Mar 16, 2019

The Order: Mystical Gibberish Sausage Fest

The Order, on Netflix, is advertised as a drama.  It's a comedy.  Where else but in a comedy would Grandpa -- humorously named "Pops" -- wake his grandson by telling him "wakey, wakey, hands off snakey,"  that is, stop masturbating?

Pops, by the way, is played by Matt Frewer as the most stereotypic cantankerous old geezer this side of Grandpa Simpson.

The grandson cautioned to remove his hand from his penis is Jack Morton,  played by Jake Manley (now that's a action-adventure hero name --  "Jake Manley saves the world before breakfast!") -- channeling every working-class bloke who gets ridiculed by the preppies in every 1980s teencom.

He wants to be admitted to hoity-toity Belgrave University, so he can join the secret society called the Hermetic Order of the Blue Rose -- a mishmash of  The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, the Rosicrucians ("Rose Cross"), and Skull and Bones.

We are told that Michelle Obama and George W. Bush were members (actually, they went to Princeton and Yale, respectively, but Bush was a member of Skull and Bones).

Why does Jack want to go to Belgrave and join the Blue Roses?  Money, power, academic success?  Nope.  He wants to avenge his mother's death -- she committed suicide a few years ago, and he blames the Order's leader and his biological father, Edward Coventry (Max Martini -- now there's great Vegas Rat Pack name.  "And now Max Martini will perform 'That Old Black Magic.'").

But apparently Coventry never even knew that Jack's mother was pregnant, and their affair was 18 years ago, so how could he be

Jack gets enrolled through magic - the ice-queen Chancellor of the University (Katherine Isabel), who happens to be a witch, changes his rejection letter to an acceptance for reasons of her own.  He quickly becomes immersed in stereotypic "new kid on campus" hijinks, making a snobbish enemy and a sassy gay friend (Adam DiMarco, left), meeting The Girl (Sarah Gray), who thinks he's "arrogant," tv code for "sexy."

I don't know how anyone has time for classes with all the bullying and flirting going on, but Jack manages some run-ins with a particularly annoying sadistic professor of ethics (Sam Trammell), who literally says "Who wants to answer?  Anyone? Anyone?", like in Ferris Bueller

Jack discovers that the Blue Roses are not just responsible for training future world leaders ("Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?  Who keeps the Martians under wraps?  We do!").  They're all actually witches and wizards with diabolical intent (and they wear very scary masks).  They're also inveterate jerks, except for the Girl, who apparently belongs just to give Jack some conflict.

Fortunately, there's another secret society on campus, the Knights of St. Christopher, a mishmash of the Knights Templars, the Ordo Templi Orientis, and Knights of Columbus, but consisting of werewolves.  Their main goal is to thwart the Order, but they use nefarious means, including murder.

Will the plot twists ever end?  Will morally upright good guy Jack be able to restore moral order to the universe?  Stay tuned.

Or don't.  You can still stream Teen Wolf,.

At least this series is immensely beefcake heavy.  Although The Girl is ever-present as Jack's main ally, confidant, and squeeze, the rest of Belgrave is a nonstop sausage fest.

1. Jake Manley ("Max Power....")
2.  Max Martini (shaken, not stirred)
3. Adam DiMarco
4. Sam Trammell

5. Ty Wood, who you may remember from Sabrina, as a Blue Rose recruit.

6. Aaron Hale, a Riverdale reject, as Brandon, a member of the Order (that's him in the background, covering his junk).

7. Jedediah Goodacre as Kyle, the most important and most annoying of the Blues, and also The Girl's ex-boyfriend (The Girl is always dating a jerk in these college-dork movies and tv shows).  He gets to wear a scary mask and appear and disappear.

8. Sean Depner as Jonas, the head of a non-magical fraternity that kidnaps Jack in a first-episode tease ("Wanna be a member?  Wanna be a member?)

9. Dylan Playfair as Clay, Jack's roommate who spouts existential nonsense: "How do you know that the magic is real?  How do you know that you're real?  How do any of us know that we're real?"

10. Drew Ray Tanner as Todd, who bullies Jack in the first episode, then gets murdered, resulting in Jack briefly being questioned as a suspect.  But this isn't Riverdale, so there's no real mystery (a monster did it).

11. Ajay Friese as Amir, a Blue recruit who's not a total jerk.

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