Scene 1: After seeing 15,381 movies that start with naked women escaping from facilities, I'll give a big thumbs-up to any movie that begins with a naked man in bed. Even though we don't see anything but close ups of body parts: a hand, the back of his neck, the side of his arm -- as he showers, shaves, eats Pop-Tarts, and gets dressed. By the time we finally see his face, 5 minutes of screen time have pased, he's in his car, and his Mom is bringing out his sack lunch, which he finds humiliating. By the way, his name is Josh, he's a real estate agent, and this is Memphis, but no one has a Southern accent.
He goes back to his car, and starts to cry: "Why were you so mean to me?"
That moment of well-deserved rudeness bothers you? Wait until a guy yells "Faggots burn in hell!"
Josh decides to go confront Jerry but he is on his cell phone, talking about dicks and balls. He climbs into his SUV with the license plate BALLER-1 and drives away.
Scene 3: Josh is showing a house and going off the deep end: "You're a nice couple, not like some people. You deserve this house because you're nice. I want you in my house because you're nice." Ulp -- needy weirdo!
Scene 4: At the office, which looks more like a car dealership than a real estate office, Josh awkwardly flirts with the receptionist.
Two of his coworkers are talking: big, boisterous, "let's ram our dicks into some hoes!" Royce (Drew Smith) and Steven (Matt Mercer), who wears gay-coded purple (or lilac), but is introduced by full-screen shots of photos of his wife and kids so we know he's not. Josh comes in and complains about the coffee shop bully. They decide to get an early lunch and talk about revenge.
Scene 5: Royce knows a cop who told him to call "if you're ever with a hooker who won't wake up." Nice guy. Maybe he can track the BALLER1 plates.
Scene 6: Why is the "cop" Rex (Gabe Arredondo) squatting in one of their empty houses? Turns out he was fired after they caught him selling drugs. A Hispanic drug dealer, how cliched! But he sells to cops, so he can still get the plates run.
Scene 7: The guys are playing golf, discussing their youthful dreams that were crushed by getting married. (Yeah, heterosexual romance ruins everything!). Royce wanted to be a DJ. Steven wanted to be a magician. Rex arrives with the license plate information.
Sorry, I can't find beefcake photos of any of these actors. They've only been in a few local Memphis productions. But several of them strangely have the same name as bodybuilders, like Drew Smith (top photo) and Adam Burns (left)
Scene 8: Jerry is a financial analyst in a beautiful glass-and-steel office with abstract art on the walls. The guys wait in high-backed chairs, reading magazines, until he arrives with his possee (two beer reps). Royce confronts them with threats and insults. What the heck is a choad? Josh simply says "You're mean! You're a bully! Does anybody actually like you? Do you have any friends? I might get awkward, I might get scared, but I get to walk out of here and not be you."
Scene 9: Back in the office. Gary (Jonny Victor), their very nice boss, doesn't mind that they took most of the day off. In fact, he has some real estate leads for them. For some reason this angers them, and Royce uses the same speech Josh used on Jerry earlier. They take the rest of the day off.
Scene 10: The guys and the Receptionist in a bar. Josh and Receptionist flirt. Then she goes to the bathroom and never comes back. Investigating,they find her purse and a ransom note!
Oh, heck -- the oldest, most cliched, most heterosexist plot device in the book. Josh will prove his manhood by saving The Girl, with a heteronormative fade-out kiss! Why not kidnap one of the friends? They have a stronger emotional bond anyway, and it would be less heterosexist!
I'm going to keep watching anyway. Maybe this move will redeem itself, somehow.
Scene 11: The guys meet the two beer reps, Clive and Owen, at a deserted warehouse. Beer reps use a homophobic slur (dick-licker) and ask for $25,000, or The Girl gets it. They leave; Rex shows up to help.
Scene 12: In order to get the money, they use knives to rob a gun store. Ken the Gun Store Guy is happy to be robbed. He hates guns. He just works there because his horrible wife is making him. (Does any guy in this movie actually like girls, or are they all closet cases?).
Then Rex steals the money.
Scene 13: The guys sit in their car, crying and saying "We're all in this together." Steven sneaks into his house and opens his Box of Lost Dreams. Inside is his magic stuff and an envelope conveniently containing $25,000 Then his family wakes up. "Dad, where were you? We were going to play catch today!" "Daddy, read me a story!" Barf! No wonder he hates his life!
Scene 14: They return to the warehouse. Jerry, the Beer Reps, and Receptionist arrive. She squeals: "Hi, Guys! I can't wait for you to rescue me!" Apparently she is having a fun evening.
They make the exchange, Receptionist leaps into Josh's arms. The end. Wait -- still 31 minutes left! That's a long fade-out kiss!
Scene 15: They drop Receptionist off at her house: "I had such an amazing time tonight!" Sounds like she would be fun to hang out with. She is trying to kiss Josh, who acts like he's absolutely not interested, when Jerry arrives to apologize.
Turns out that he wasn't into the kidnapping; the Beer Reps forced him to go along, with it because they're in deep with a bookie and need the $25,000. He wants to make things right by getting the money back. Rex wants to help, too, because he really likes Steven. (Finally, a homoerotic subtext!)
Scene 16: Their plan: Go to Owen's house and tattle to his wife (another guy who hates his wife!). She has a kid in a cowboy outfit running wild (anachronistic, and isn't it like 2 am?) Maybe Owen is out bowling, but she hates him, so she's not sure.
65% of the population of Memphis is black, but Frank is the only black guy in the cast.
Meanwhile, Jerry and Josh have a heart-to-heart and decide to be friends. They're going to go out...wait....is this homoerotic buddy-bonding? It feels like a thousand years since this morning.
Scene 18: They track down the Beer Reps and yell at them: "You're not nice people! You're mean!"
The Bookie arrives, sits them down, and talks about the bully he had as a kid. He returns the money and gives the Beer Reps a week's extension to pay him.
Scene 19: On the way home, at dawn. They're all hugging and patting each other. The end.
No, they still have to confront their own bullies. Royce tells his wife that he hates her. Steven gets his wife's permission to go to magic school. Josh meets with the Receptionist. She says: "I'm a little crazy. When I am into a guy, I want to go full throttle. So let's go inside and get crazy."
She opens her raincoat. He says "Sure, let's go." The end.
Boo! He wasn't interested until she showed her boobs!
Scene 20: The three run into Gary the Nice Boss outside the coffee shop. Royce apologizes for dissing him earlier; they hug. After they leave, Gary calls them "Fuckin' losers! Fuckin' idiots!" Royce comes back and attacks him. The end, finally!
Beefcake: No.
Gay subtexts: Jerry and Rex don't flirt with women or talk about women, and they seem to be into Josh and Steven, respectively.
Heterosexism: I'm not sure. Nearly every guy has a set piece about hating his wife, but there are two fade-out-kiss scenes.
Plot Twists: Lots.
Weird character motivation: I don't understand Josh not liking then liking the Receptionist, or Gary being nice, then not nice.
My Grade: B.
A choad is a penis where the circumference is greater than the length, erect of course. Usually it means it's small, but I knew one guy who was six inches long and six and a half around, technically still a choad.
ReplyDeletePurple is one of those weird things. It wasn't that long ago that men wore purple and magenta and it wasn't gay at all, 1980s.
"Let's ram our dicks into some hos." This brings up an interesting issue, sexual harassment of one male by another with completely hetero intent. I've seen it at every job I've been at. (I mean, I'm bi, but I'm also much more private than that.)