Paradise City: "A highly controversial rock band with ties to the occult returns from a hiatus to find that the lead singer has a haunting secret arriving on his doorstep." Other than the overuse of adjectives, this doesn't sound bad. I like paranormal adventures. And it's set in West Hollywood, a well-known gay mecca, so there's bound to be some gay representation.
Scene 1: West Hollywood, but Sunset Boulevard. Whoops, once you get above the hill to Sunset you hit the aggressively straight, homophobic neighborhood. But we'll see.
The Relentless, a rock group, is on the street, being hounded by reporters and female groupies: "Sign my tits! Sign my stomach!" Lily yells at the "Hollywood cockroaches," but Leo (Ben Bruce, left) is happy to sign autographs.
My God, that is some hideous tattooing!
Scene 2: The news story: The group hit it big with their debut album, which went multiple-platinum. Basically everyone on Earth bought three copies. But they've been on hiatus for 15 months. Their leader, Johnny Faust (uh-oh, a pact with the Devil) went on trial for the bizarre murder of their agent, but was acquitted, and has been in seclusion ever since.
That's a lot of intel. Why not tell that story instead?
Scene 3: Johnny (Andy Biersack) at his rooftop swimming pool in the Hollywood Hills (shirtless, but horribly ugly, and coveredc with disgusting tattoos). Gretchen plays the cello in the dark. Then she says "Its time to get back out there. You owe it to your 6 billion fans (everyone on Earth except for some newborn babies)" . They hug and kiss. I'm beginning to think that this is a gay-free West Hollywood.
Scene 4: Elias, an old guy with long white hair and a white beard, awakens in his living room plastered with record albums. He gets upsetting news from Adam (Rhys Coiro, below), calling from a fertility clinic, who conferences in with Maya, calling from a restaurant.
They're all shocked. This can't be happening! This is the worst possible news of all time! Our lives have all been destroyed forever!
After all that buildup, I'm expecting a zombie Apocalypse. But no, the world-shattering news: all the big arenas are booked, so we'll have to do the concert at a smaller venue, like Whiskey A-Go-Go.
When they hang up, Adam's wife or girlfriend yells at him for working during a fertility appointment, but he doesn't listen and keeps calling: "Dylan is in London! Get him here, immediately! He's got to play at the concert tonight! This is the worst disaster in world history!"
Scene 5: Establishing shot of Big Ben. I'm guessing we're in London? Radio DJ Ralphie calls a hotel room, where a heavily tattooed guy is in bed with two naked women. Johnny? No, Dylan (James Cassells). God help us, is everybody covered with disgusting tattoos?
Meanwhile, back in L.A., a man and a woman are jogging in what looks like Griffith Park. Oh, neck tattooes -- it's Johnny and his girlfriend Gretchen, still harping on getting back on stage. Wait -- if he hasn't decided to go back on stage yet, why is everyone having end-of-the-universe panic over the size of the venue?
Scene 6: Elias at work at...I can't read the record label. Akko? Akkadian? He's yelling at people: "This is the worst crisis of all time! Fix it!" His assistants have booked the Roxy, which is already sold out (after about an hour?).
Rolling Stone, Spin, etc., etc. are busily planning entire issues to cover the show. No, make that two or three issues? No, Johnny's concert is the most important event in world history! It's Second Coming of Christ squared! Let's devote a whole year of issues to it!
Scene 7: I'm pretty sure that there will be no gay representation at all, but everything is so incredibly overblown, exaggerated, and over-the-top that I can't look away. Adam and his wife in towels at an acupuncture clinic to work on their fertility problem (hey, a nice physique without tattooes, for a change!).
He gets a phone call and rushes out. It's Ralphie in London with a major disaster: he screwed up the flight reservations, so Dylan won't arrive in time for the concert! The biggest event in world history won't have a drummer!
"Get him here!" Adam snarls. "Whatever you have to do, do it!" This is the most important night of his life, and your life, and...well, the lives of everyone on Earth! He suggests a bomb threat. But wouldn't that stop the flight and make Dylan even later?
Scene 8: Band members Leo, Lily, and Amanda are trying on costumes for the comeback concert and discussing how long it's been since they performed. They're so broke they can't even pay their rehab center bill. Idea: fans will buy anything, so maybe Leo could put a sock on his cock and sell it on Ebay. Lily and Amanda are a couple -- ok, so there are some lesbians in this.
Scene 9: Ralphie in London making the bomb threat phone call. The pay phone is on a highway overpass, so no one can understand him.
Scene 10: Hit Parade Studios, Hollywood. Johnnie and Gretchen preparing for a big interview and kissing. She tells him: "Don't tell the fans. It is all in the past." Tell them what? Another big mystery for the sake of mystery?
Meanwhile, Lily, Leo, Vic, and another guy are watching the interview on tv: "We've interviewed presidents and popes on this program, but today's guest is much, much bigger! Johnnie Faust!"
Host: "Johnnie, how does it feel to be the most famous person...sorry, I mean god..in world history?"
Johnnie: "I think I was happier before I became famous. It's a lot of pressure. Fortunately, I have my True Love by my side.
Host: What about the claims that your amazing fame is due to a deal with the Devil?"
Johnnie: "It's not true."
Meanwhile, Simon (the late Cameron Boyce), who we've never seen before, is talking to Natalie, who looks old enough to be his mother: "Do you believe in that Satanism stuff?"
Natalie: "Of course. Many rock songs were inspired by the Devil. All of Led Zeppelin's songs, for instance."
Simon: You're so cool! Pass me that joint!
Meanwhile Faith, who we've never seen before, is watching the interview in her bedroom, with a baby in her arms and a gigantic cross next to her.
Interviewer: Why did you stop touring?
We already know: because of the trial for the bizarre murder of their agent. But Johnnie has forgotten abut that, and gives us a new story:
Johnnie: We were in in Vegas, and this 18-year old girl and her mom wanted to have sex, so Dylan and I did. The mom's husband found out, and killed himself. I never saw the girl again.
Faith's roommate or girlfriend comes into the bedroom and says "We're out of money. We have to do something." Why not ask Johnnie?
Scene 11: At the record company, Elias, whose name is now Oliver, checks the reviews of last night's interview, which of course had the biggest viewership in network history, like a triple Superbowl.
Meanwhile, in Virginia, Simon watches Elias/Oliver being interviewed on tv. When Natalie comes in, he wants to know how much "he" offered her to get the abortion. More obfuscation for its own sake. Who is he, Johnnie?
"Half a million dollars, or else an album and a world tour. But I said no. I had you instead." Ok, Johnnie is too young. Elias/Oliver?
Why have two pregnancies, one after the other, with Elias/Oliver's girl appearing immediately after Johnny mentions his? Unless you are deliberately trying to confuse the audience?
Scene 12: Faith shows up in L.A. So this is the haunting secret? Johnnie has a child? Big deal!
Beefcake: No. Some shirtless shots, but spoiled by tattoos.
Other sights: Almost all interiors. I don't recognize West Hollywood.
Hype: A ridiculous amount.
Obfuscation for its own sake: I feel like I'm watching Lost. By the way, it turns out that Elias and Oliver are two different people, working for different record labels. Why on Earth would you cast two chubby older men with long white hair and long white beards to play two characters with exactly the same job, unless you deliberately wanted to confuse your viewers?
Paranormal: None
Gay Characters: I don't think so.
Heterosexism: Johnnie has found True Love.
Will I Keep Watching: Why not? The hyperbole is hilarious.
Well, the main reason not to put your dick in a sock is, it's been done.
ReplyDeleteThey really should have the guys experiment. More than a few pre-AIDS rock stars did. (Hey, you wanna see what really triggered the onslaught of aggressive heterosexuality in the media? This was a big part of it. So was pop psychology.)
The Satanism act (oh, another 80s moral panic) has also been done to death, end of the world, and being completely erased from existence as part of the Apocalypse.