Jul 22, 2021

"Gabby Duran and the Unsittables": Gay Stereotype Principal Teaches the Art of Thrusting


 I used to review every new show on the Disney Channel, looking for gay subtexts.  Then I got rid of my broadcast television service and went with streaming (do you know how hard it is to cancel a service?  First they stall, then they beg, then they act like you're breaking up with them: "please don't leave me!  I don't know what I would do without you!").  Now we have Disney Plus, which streams every Disney Channel series that ever existed, so I can catch up.  First on the list: Gabby Duran & the Unsittables.

Scene 1: Gabby (Kylie Cantrell) is a teen operator who gets what she wants even if she has to work behind the scenes, doing things that are dangerous or unethical.  For instance, while babysitting her genius younger sister, she spends the "emergency money" on sugary cereal.  She has just moved from Miami to the small town of Havensburg, Colorado, where her single Mom is a successful tv journalist (in a small town?).   But she hates it there, so she tries to get expelled from the school so Mom will have no choice but to move back home (did she think this through?).


Scene 2: 
At school, Gabby runs into Wesley (Maxwell Acee Donovan), the goofy "platonic best friend" type who appears in many Disney teencoms.  He asks Gabby to join his paranormal investigation society, but she refuses, as she won't be around much longer.  Suddenly she is called to the principal's office.





Scene 3:
 Whoa, Principal Swift is a fruitalicious gay stereotype: limp wrist, gigantic yellow bow tie, trilling over-enunciaton!  If Australian actor Nathan Lovejoy isn't gay in real life, this performance is borderline homophobic.

Gabby has tried to be expelled by duct-taping the Principal's car, but he's pleased: it will provide protection against bird droppings.  He hates birds, with their "disgusting lifestyle," doing it anywhere they want. (An allusion to homophobes disapproving of "the gay lifestyle"?).

Since her plan didn't work, Gabby tries something else: she goes wild and trashes the Principal's office.


Scene 4:
  Mom insists that Gabby go to Principal Swift's house to apologize.  He lives in a gigantic tan-colored Victorian worth several million dollars even in small-town Colorado.  No one answers the door, so Gabby goes around to the back, and stumbles across a giant blue blob with lots of teeth.  When she attacks, it turns into a little boy  (Callan Farris, the tiny person at the bottom left of the cast photo; Gabby is far right, wearing a scarf).  Zap!  Principal Swift uses a ray gun to knock her out. 


Scene 5:
Gabby awakens in an alien vortex. Principal Swift materializes out of an orange blob and explains: he and and his nephew Jeremy are alien shapeshifters from the planet Gor-Mon: they can adopt the shape of anything they eat (to get its DNA).  Jeremy is heir to the Gor-Monite throne, a target for assassins, so they have come to Earth to hide until he is of age.  Of course, humans can't know about them, either.  

Gabby is not at all surprised by this information.  But why not just memory wipe her and send her home?  Apparently the Principal was impressed by her courage in defending herself against what she thought was a giant blob monster, so he wants to hire her as Jeremy's babysitter.   But...but...just go with it.  They have to set  up the premise some way.

Scene 6:  The Principal is off to teach a safety seminar for teachers at the school, so it's time for Gabby's first job.  She ignores the large folders of instructions and the Principal's special warning that Jeremy is never to have soda, or any carbonated beverage: she gives him several liters.  Suddenly his stomach starts gurgling.  Researching, Gaby discovers that carbonation has a disastrous effect on Gor-Monite metabolism.  In about an hour, Jeremy will explode, destroying everything in a block radius. Couldn't the Principal have been a bit more specific: "If Jeremy drinks soda, he and everyone around him will be killed."

Scene 7:  In an emergency of this magnitude,  I would be calling his uncle, but Gabby wants to demonstrate that she is responsible by taking care of it herself. You can cure carbonation poisoning with the "just regular mints" that the Principal is always eating, so Gabby and Jeremy go to the school and break into his office.  The container is empty.

Scene 8: Maybe he has some on him?  They go to the auditorium, where the Principal is demonstrating the Heimlich Maneuver on a male dummy.  It looks very much like he is demonstrating anal sex: "And thrust and thrust and thrust...and another thrust...you're almost there...now one more."  The teachers look aghast.  Geez, this is a kid's show.  Just say that he is gay, don't show what he does in bed.

Jeremy eats a feather from a hawk in a display case in order to turn into a hawk and distract the Principal, so the mint he is about to eat flies out his mouth and into Jeremy's.  Or you could just ask him for one.  Crisis averted.

Scene 9:  The Principal meets with Gabby and Jeremy.  Does he say "Your reckless behavior almost got my nephew killed!  You're fired!"  No, he says "I have never seen such resourcefuless and courage."  Gabby become Jeremy's permanent babysitter.  Future episodes will no doubt involve other alien children.  And of course Wesley will discover the secret.


Beefcake:
No.  Cardi Wong (top photo, with boyfriend) appears in three episodes, but as someone named Blurbles, so I doubt he is presented as a "dreamy boy."  Bodybuilder Tommy Europe appears in one episode as an android.

Heterosexism:  Not in this episode, but Gabby gets a crush on a boy later on, and Wesley gets a girlfriend.

Gay Characters: The Principal, obviously.  But search under "Gabby Duran" and "gay" yielded nothing, so apparently no one ever uses the g-word or gets a same-sex crush.

Gay Symbolism: The "my secret" motif is usually gay-coded.






 

Scene 5:  Gabby joins Wesley's paranormal club.

Switch to  Gabby starting her babysitting job.  Rule #1: Absolutely no soda.  She gives him soda, which, Swift explains, will turn him into a time bomb that will destroy him and everything in a one-block radius.  THe antidote is the special mints that that the principle keeps in his desk.  They sneak to the school and steal the box, but it's empty.



2 comments:

  1. Giant bow tie (usually red) is a pedo stereotype, not a gay one. (The idea being that it draws the kids' attention to the man.) I never heard trilling, it was always a lisp and that slight downturn in both pitch and volume at the end of a sentence when I grew up. A trill indicated an aristocratic background (or new money trying to fake an aristocratic background). Or just a native Spanish or Russian speaker.

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    Replies
    1. Aristocratic-British-intellectual-gay all merge together with the trill. I think the Principal wears the giant bow tie because he is an alien, and not quite sure to fit in to human society. The Men in Black who harass UFO witnesses often wear outdated or otherwise odd outfits.

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