Dec 25, 2021

"The Witcher": Everyone Dies, and a Mutant Has Sex, in a Dour, Gray Medieval World


December 23rd, 2021.
  Hulu, Vudu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Disney Plus, and we've completely run out of tv shows to watch, except for the second season of Alex Rider and some old Simpsons episodes. We're both sick of Christmas romcoms.  

"The Witcher is #1 on Netflix," Bob says.  "Do you know anything about it?"
"Isn't about a guy who goes around Colonial New England accusing women of witchcraft?
"Sounds dismal.  But it's that or A Castle for Christmas."

Scene 1: In a dismal gray forest, The Witcher (Henry Cavill), a dour person with long white hair, fights and kills a giant spider.  He also kills a baby deer.  Ugh!

Scene 2:  He takes the spider corpse into the dour Medieval village of Blankomelette or something.  At the tavern, all of the dour-looking men without exception growl and grimace and say "We don't serve your kind!  Get out or we'll kill you!"  But the women are perfectly welcoming.  Isn't that the heterosexist myth?   Other men are antagonists and aggressors, women kind and nurturing.

The Alderman is offering a bounty for monsters, but The Witcher brought in the wrong kind of monster.  A little girl suggests that he bring the giant spider to the Wizard, who often buys dead animals to use in magical elixers.  She killed her pet dog to sell to him, for instance.  She killed her dog?  Ugh!  But don't worry, she's not a recurring character.

Scene 3:  The Wizard lives in a palace surrounded by naked ladies. Ugh!  But at least there's some color other than washed-out gray.  He wants to hire the Witcher to kill a woman for him.


Scene 4: 
On a gray, dismal street in another town, Septum or something, some teenage boys are playing with dice. (note to self: look up Martin,  the first semi-attractive person in e series).  One of the boys is..surprise -- a girl!  The Princess, yet.

Left: Sonny Ashbourne Serkis (Martin).

The Princess is dragged to the palace for a ceremony.  We get some personality cues for various members of the court, but don't bother memorizing characters -- none of them will last long.  And why do people in a Medieval world use phrases like "Gross," "My bad," and "Just saying"?

Scene 6:  Back in Blankomelette, the Wizard tells the Witcher that 60 girls were born at the time of the Black Sun with "horrendous internal mutations," so he locked them in towers, and finally killed them all and performed autopsies.  How does he know about mutations?  Or autopsies.  Wait -- he killed 60 girls?  But Renfri the Beautiful is still alive, living in the woods, strangling puppies and gouging out people's eyes.  No man can resist her charms, but the Witcher is not a man -- could he be a dear and kill her?  So the Witcher is gay?

Scene 7:  Back in Septum, the Princess is forced to dance with Martin, while the grown-ups discuss the Wraiths of Morhogg, the Niflgaard, Ebling, the Wild Hunt, the Amell Pass, Sodden, Skelligan, and something or other being "behind the curve." Translation: bad dudes are coming to kill them all.

Scene 8: The Witcher in the woods.  Renfrack the Beautiful approaches him and says "The rumors of my evilness have been exaggerated."  She just killed her rapist and the thugs the Wizard sent to kill her.  The Witcher wants to know if she's really a monster, so she gives him a watered-down version of Shylock's speech ("if I cut myself, do I not bleed?").  

"Now be a dear and kill the Wizard for me.  To sweeten the deal, I'll have sex with you."  He refuses.  Not into girls?


Scene 9: Back
at Septum, the Princess is sequestered with her keepers while a very gruesome battle with the bad dudes rages outside.  Why can't she fight?  (Note to self: look up Lazlo, the cute bodyguard in armor, even though he won't live past this episode).  The King is killed, and the Queen mortally wounded. I told you to not bother memorizing their names or character traits.

Left: Maciej Musial (Lazlo).

Scene 10: The Witcher talking to his horse about how people scream and run away, even after he has just saved them from being raped or murdered.  Renfield the Beautiful, unwilling to take "no" for an answer, approaches again.  This time they have sex, although it takes 10 minutes for their faces to gradually move in for the kiss.  So much for the "Witcher is gay" theory.

Scene 11: The bad dudes have stormed Septum and tortured and killed everyone in gruesome ways.  There's no escape, so everyone in the palace commits suicide.  Except for the Princess, whose keepers guide her through a secret passage: she's the Chosen One, so she can't be turned inside out and forced to eat her own esophagus.  Wait: if there was a secret passage, why didn't everyone escape?  

Scene 12:  The Witcher being haunted by the memory of hot sex with Renfrew the Beautiful.  She mentioned that she was going to try to kill the Wizard during the big Market Day, which is today!  He rushes back to Blankomelette, but all of the men attack.  He has to kill them in gruesome ways.  

Renfrick shows up.  They fight for some reason -- maybe his insistence that she not kill the Wizard.  The Witcher kills her, but with her dying breath she curses him: "The girl in the woods will be with you always."  Wait -- I thought she was the Big Bad of the series.


Scene 13: 
 The Princess runs away, pursued by bad dudes.  She discovers a super power: her screams can crash towers onto people's heads and open chasms.  (Note to self: look up cute Bad Dude warrior, even though he dies right away).

Left: Martin Berencsy, a Hungarian actor who may play the Bad Dude warrior.

Scene 14: The Wizard shows up, notices that Renfrew is dead, and wants to bring her body to his palace for an autopsy.  But the Witcher forbids it.  The end.

Beefcake: None.

Naked Ladies: Lots.

Gay Characters: None.

Unreliable Narrators: I like how everyone exaggerates the evilness of other people, while glossing over their own horrific misdeeds.

Mutants and "My Bad": Is this Medieval fantasy, or post-Apocalyptic science fiction?

Kill Everyone:  Everyone you think is going to be a main character is killed, except for the Witcher and the Princess.  Will there be a new town every week, with new characters to nonchalantly confess to strangling puppies?

Ugliness:  The cast is unattractive, the sets ugly, the color palette a washed-out gray.  Everything is grim.

My Grade:   At least we don't see the sex scene.  F.


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