Mar 12, 2023

"Bridge and Tunnel": Young adults act like junior high kids on Long Island in the 1980s


 In the 1980s, being gay was a secret: you didn't come out to anyone, ever.   Gay people appeared on tv only very occasionally, as a "friend from college" who visited, came out, and caused the straight people angst.  But today I expect more nonchalance about gay characters, even if the show is set in the 1980s, like Bridge and Tunnel on Amazon Prime.  

The premise sounds like That 70s Show meets Friends: a group of "known each other since grade school buds" from working class Long Island negotiate careers and romances.  I watched Episode 7, figuring that the gay character, if there is one, would take a while to come out.


Scene 1:
Two girls, Stacey (blond) and Unknown (long black hair), in the back yard discussing the chords for their new song, "He's cute, even with crooked teeth."  I can't tell the identity of Unknown from the cast list:  3 of the 4 women have long black hair.  






Pogs (Brian Muller), a curly-haired, blatantly bulging hunk, appears and asks what happened to his copy of Cornerstone (a 1979 album by Styx).  Blonde Stacey hates Styx, so she burned it. 

Plot dump: they are brother and sister.  Wait -- the only brother-sister in the cast are Jimmy and Genie.  They discuss the merits of Styx vs. The Clash, and call each other "fucking idiots."

Scene 2: Mikey in a bar, wearing a snazzy suit, complaining to another woman with long black hair that he's been on seven interviews in the last two weeks, with no job offer.  She suggests that he drop accounting and become an artist.  

Scene 3: Another woman with long black hair,  dressed in show-all short-shorts,  calls Dad  (Edward Norton, top phone) to the phone.  So she's Genie Farrell!

They discuss whether or not to tell Genie's brother Jimmy that Jill is calling for him.  Genie enjoys torturing Jimmy, so she goes down to his photography dark room, accuses him of masturbating, and hands him the phone (it has a very long cord).  

Jill is a middle-aged woman with long black hair.   Wait -- I thought they were all childhood friends? She looks old enough to be Jimmy's Mom. She's calling because she is thinking of setting up her friend Juliana with their mutual friend, Blatantly Bulging Pogs, and wants to know if he would be into her.  How could Jimmy know, without seeing the lady?  Why doesn't she just ask Pugsley?

After Middle-Aged Jill hangs up, Jimmy is indeed devastated.  I surmise that they used to date, then she dumped him, so Jimmy thought that she was calling to say she can't live without him and please take her back.  Nope!


Scene 4: 
Accountant Mikey (Jan Luis Campos, left) is still in the bar.  He asks the Black-Haired Woman to hang out.  Two of the three Black-Haired Women are accounted for, so to speak,  so by default she's Tammy Ocampo.    She gets all gushy and star-struk, but she's busy tonight.  "How about tomorrow night, Man of My Dreams?" 

Problem: he wants to Neflix and Chill (or the 1980s equivalent), but she wants to go dancing at the hottest club in the City.  

Ok, but he can't afford the cover charge, and his Dad won't let him borrow the car.  Idiot, you never drive from Long Island into Manhattan, you'll be sitting in gridlock for six hours and spend two more hours looking for a $20 parking spot.  Take the LIRR!   "No problem, I'll take care of everything, future Life Partner!"

Scene 5: The Farrell Family at breakfast.  Sister Genie criticizes  Lovelorn Jimmy and Dad for going to bed at 10:30, instead of having lives.  Plot dump: Mom isn't dead, she's in Rome doing God knows what.  These are working class folk, but Mom can afford to get off to Rome?  

The phone rings; Sister Genie answers, in spite of her Dad's protests.  Middle Aged Jill, again!   Lovelorn Jimmy is furious: "Stop telling her that I'm home when she calls! I can't stand the constant devastation!"  

Jill's reason for calling: her friend Julianna can't make the set-up date with Pogo, next week, so is he free tomorrow night?  Geez, how would Jimmy know?  Call him yourself, or let Julianna do it!   

Also, Blind Date Julianna insists that Middle-Aged Jill come along.  A light bulb appears over Lovelorn Jimmy's head: "Why don't I come too?  Then you'll fall in love with me again, and we'll get back together, and I won't be living in constant agony anymore!"  Jill is ok with it, "As long as you don't get upset when you realize that we won't be getting back together."   I'm all for older-younger relationships, but it sounds like Jimmy got in over his head with the middle-aged lady.


Scene 6: 
 Night. Lovelorn Jimmy (Sam Vartholomeos)  is kneeling by his bed, saying his bedtime prayers.  I've never seen an adult do that  He calls God "Big Guy."  I'd send him a plague of locusts.  After the "bless Mom and Dad and Sister Genie" bit, he thanks God for the miracle of getting him back together with Middle-Aged Jill.  

Ridiculous scene, but Jimmy is shirtless! Whoa, this arrested-development basket case has a mega-hunky physique!.

Scene 7:  Morning.  Blatantly Bulging Pegs goes into the back yard, where Blonde Stacey and the woman with long black hair are working on their song again.  He wants to borrow Stacey's car for his hot date with Middle Aged Jill's friend Julianna.  

Blonde Stacey hesitates, but the woman with long black hair insists: she saw a picture of Julianna, and she is gorgeous!  Hey,maybe she is a lesbian!   She's not Middle-Aged Jill, and Bartender Tammy has a date tonight, so by process of elimination, she must be Lovelorn Jimmy's sister Genie. 

Stacey:  "Ok, I'll lend you my car if you admit that Styx sucks."  He can't sell out his rock gods,  and takes a cab instead.

Scene 8:  Middle-Aged Jill and another woman with long black hair arguing: "You can't go on a double-date with Lovelorn Jimmy!  He'll think you want to get back together, and be devastated when you reject him!  Besides, you really are still in love with him and want to get back together, right?" 

 "No, we're just friends."  

"I don't believe you for a second.  Men and women can't be friends. By the way, I have a date with the Man of My Dreams tonight.  I wonder what preschool we should send our kids to?"

So Middle Aged Jill's friend turns out to be Bartender Tammy, who accepted a "hang out" date with Accountant Mikey in Scene 4. 

Now it's Middle-Aged Jill's turn to be upset.  "But what about Blond Stacey?  She and Accountant Mikey used to date, and she's still in love with him and desperate to get back together!"  Geez, don't these people ever get over a relationship?   "At least ask her permission."

Scene 9:  Blatantly Bulging Pom-Poms, Accountant Mikey, and Lovelorn Jimmy drinking beer on a picnic table by the Long Island Sound.  Jimmy wonders why Pogs doesn't care about his :just friends" date with Middle-Aged Jill.  Why should Pogs care?  Did he and Jill used to date, and he's still in love wijth her, too?  These guys need to meet some new people.

Scene 10:  Lovelorn Jimmy getting ready for his hot non-date with Middle-Aged Jill.  Dad comes in to advise him against going: he's devastated just by talking to her on the phone, so what will happen after two hours of gazing at her?   

Dad: "Remember, last summer you went way overboard and wanted to drop your college and career plans to marry her?"

Lovelorn Jimmy: "Not right away. She's my Soul Mate, so I was just planning ahead.  I also picked out the gift I'm going to give her for our 50th wedding anniversary."  

Scene 11:   The date: dinner at one of those high-top tables in a bar.  Juliana (who has short black hair, for a change of directorial fetish) is astounded that Blatantly Bulging Packs, Lovelorn Jimmy, and Middle-Aged Jill have been friends since grammar school.  Was Middle-Aged Jill a teacher?  

Jimmy's upcoming job: National Geographic is sending him to Alaska for six months to photograph a herd of caribou.  Sounds kind of cool.  Juliana: "Sounds horrible.  How long does it take to snap a picture of a cow?"  Jerk!

Meanwhile, Bartender Tammy picks up Man of Her Dreams Mikey in a fancy car (borrowed from her brother; this show has siblings all the way down). Mikey disapproves of a woman paying for a date -- he's a Real Man!  He has to be in charge! -- so he suggests going to the tavern where she works every day (dumb choice, Bro).

She protests, but Mikey placates her by saying "You're very pretty.  If it weren't for Stacey, I'd have asked you out long ago."  Sorry, I lost track of who is the ex of whom, and devastated by all of their new relationships.   They rub noses, but Bartender won't kiss him until she has a drink.  You have to be drunk to kiss a guy?  Maybe ask a girl out nex time?

Scene 12:  Back on the double date, Blatantly Bulging Pumice tells Juliana his career goal: to become a music attorney.  Juliana: "How interesting.  I hate Styx!  They're the worst band in the world, don't you agree?" Uh-oh, Purile can't sell out his rock gods -- except to get laid.  "Yep, I hate them, too."

The check arrives.  The guys insist on paying, because they are Real Men, they provide for the wimmenfolk.  The girls resist.  "But if we don't pay, it's not really a date, and that would be devastating!"  

Scene 13: At the end of the date, the guys and girls split up to evaluate each other.  Juliana is ok with dating Blatantly Bulging Pogs (I'd be ok with dating someone blatantly bulging, too).  

Pogs has gone way overboard. "She's the Girl of My Dreams, My Soul Mate, My Life Partner!  Geez, not another one!

Lovelorn Jimmy is all dour and depressed after two hours of "just friends" -- but then Middle-Aged Juliana rushes up and kisses him.  Hah!  You thought that heterosexual men and women could be friends, but this show has proven you wrong!

Scene 13:  Bartender Tammy and Accountant Mikey on their beer-drinking date.  She feels guilty over dating the Man of Her Dreams when she is friends with his ex, Stacey, who is still in love with him yada yada yada.  "Sorry, we can't date, but we can hang out as just friends." The end.


Beefcake: 
 Um...I forgot to check.  I was too busy trying to keep track of who was devastated by which breakup. But according to AZ Nude Men, Jimmy and Mikey are both shirtless and underwear clad a lot.  Not Pogs -- Brian Muller must be one of these guys who can't be displayed in underwear without an R rating.

Heterosexism:   Constant, of course, but I didn't find it annoying.  I was too busy being astounded by the ridiculous immaturity in the relationships. These people act like they are in junior high.

Gay Characters: Sister Genie gets one line saying that a woman is gorgeous, and appears to be excluded from Soul Mate - devastation - rebound cycle.  Maybe she's a lesbian, or maybe there just wasn't time for her junior high romance story arc.

Bridge and Tunnel:  Never explained, but it's how you get into Manhattan, so maybe it's a derogatory term for a working class person from Long Island.

My Grade: C

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