I've never understood cruises: three weeks trapped in a floating shopping mall, with brief stops in the most tourist-trappy parts of tropical islands? Why not just fly to the islands, so you can spend more time in the museums and bath houses?
Scene 1: A girl's butt swimming underwater. She puts on a towel, stares in disgust at herself in the mirror, and then argues with stalking "I can't live without you!" ex-boyfriend Danny (Jack Rowan).
Scene 2: Fielding Danny's hysterical texts, the girl walks through a gigantic shopping mall and through some corridors. Suddenly a knife-wielding person in a duck costume starts chasing her. Wait -- is this a comedy? Surprise -- we're on a gigantic cruise ship -- I count at least ten decks. After running and hiding for a long time, she yells "You can't have me!" and jumps overboard!
Scene 3: Three months later, the ship is docked. New "recruit" Cormac (Oscar -- wait, I thought he was Jamie) signs his contract and then joins the others for an informational video: girls in bikinis telling us "Welcome to Velorum, where your dreams set sail."
Their supervisors are introduced: Staff Captain Karen, Second Officer Beaker, Third Officer Sam Rhodes (Louis Boyer), who gets gazed at by some girls. By the way, the ship symbol is a duck carrying a surf board.
Grand tour: apparently there are 2,000 employees? Crew mess hall, Little Ducks Soft Play Palace, theater, officer's mess hall, gym. promenade. Everything is horribly regimented and authoritarian. This is definitely not your grandpa's Love Boat.
Cormac couples-up with Love Interest Vivian, Two other recruits couple up: Jerome (Diego Andres) and Lauren.
The entertainment crew, five girls and a boy, snob past in slow motion. Everyone gawks. Staff Captain Karen says that they're busy rehearsing "Apocalypse Wow. Wow Wow." Ok, so it's a comedy. You'd never know that from the somber, deadly-serious plot synopsis.
Asked if he's dating anyone, Cormac says "No. Sheffield's gay scene isn't exactly flourishing." A gay protagonist, outed at Minute 10! I'm in!
Scene 4: While the entertainment crew hula-dances and sings "If you like pina coladas," the passengers board. Mostly elderly male-female couples. Cormac returns to his room, sees the ghost of his dead sister, and is shocked to see the real Cormac (Peter Claffey)! OMG, practically perfect in every way. Why couldn't it have been Peter Claffey playing the brother?
Plot dump: Jamie paid Cormac to take his place on board to investigate his sister's disappearance (couldn't he have just applied?). But then the real Cormac's girlfriend dumped him, so he came onto the ship to spy on her. "Ok, just don't leave the cabin." They're going to share that tiny twin bed?
Scene 5: Jamie goes to work in the kitchen, and asks around. Nobody knew his sister (crew of 2,000, remember?). Her boyfriend Danny was the worst, one of the entertainment snobs. They all use drugs. So on the ship the Drama Club kids are on top of the pyramid?
Scene 6: While Jamie is screaming in frustration (after just an hour of sleuthing? amateur!), a cute red-shirt approaches to commiserate (I think Oily, played by "Filipino queen" Anthony Rickman): a gay Love Interest!. "Bail now, or you'll never escape. I came aboard during my Gap Year -- 84 years ago. (Just kidding)" Darn, I would like some paranormal, other than murderous Ducks. He also advises Jamie to ditch the blue shirt while off duty or he'll get bullied.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, bff Vivian is being hit on: "I've never been with an Asian girl." "I have," she responds. So Vivian is gay, too! I'm liking this show a lot more than the super-closeted plot synopsis suggested. Jamie interrupts, and they bond over discussions of their horrible families: homophobic (Vivian), dead Mom and drunk dad (Jamie).
Scene 7: Hiding in the stock room, Jamie overhears sister's boyfriend Danny exchanging drugs for a mysterious portfolio. Later, he sneaks into Danny's room while he's out and finds a mysterious cell phone hidden under his mattress. When Danny returns, he has to hide in the bathroom while the hunk flexes in the mirror (poor guy!). A girl comes in and complains that another crew member is "freaking out: go talk to her."
Scene 8: Whoops, a scene not from Jamie's point of view. Sophia, the girl from Scene 7, talks the girl who wants to leave: "We're in way over our heads, and after what happened to Pippa (the sister)..." Where do you go on a cruise ship? A life boat? Then Danny the Hunk appears, all ripped and threatening (I guess it's supposed to be threatening. I'd call it sexy).
Scene 9: Jamie sleuths and complains with Vivian, then returns to his room, where Cormac (the guy he replaced) is lying on the bed, shirtless (sigh), in his underwear (double sigh), eating crisps.
Scene 9: Jamie and BFF Vivian in his cabin, talking: when Pippa went missing, the Panamanian police had to handle it, and they sent a detective for like one day. The company's official statement: she committed suicide by jumping overboard. Suddenly three people in duck masks break down the door and grab them!
Scene 10: They -- Danny and his mate Hamish -- strip Jamie to his underwear, tie him up, and make him kiss a fish! Surprise -- it's just a newbie hazing ritual. He's released into a party, with people dancing and chugging. (Jerome from Scene 3 is displaying a nice underwear bulge). Jamie (as Cormac) buddies up to Danny and asks about Pipa: "We weren't together long. I dumped her."
Eventually everyone hooks up: Danny with the girl who wanted to leave, Third Officer Rhoades with Sophia. Jamie gets cruised by Oily.
Scene 11: After sex, Danny is lying on his bunk when someone in a duck costume enters. He thinks it's his mate Hamish, and starts to tell a dirty joke. Then the Duck assaults him with a dumbbell! He staggers out into the hallway and yells for help, but no one hears. The Duck stabs him with a knife, then drags him into a secret passage. The end.
Beefcake: Lots. And bulges.
Heterosexism: At least two hetero-sex scenes, no gay sex scenes.
Gay Characters: Jamie, Oily, and Vivian, for starters.
Mysteries: If Danny is one of the elites in the secret society, why did Duck Man kill him? Is the killer plot separate?
My Grade: A-
No comments:
Post a Comment
No offensive, insulting, racist, or homophobic comments are permitted.
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.