"The Whale": Chub and fundy debate whether "God hates gays." With chub and fundy d*ck

Link to the chub and fundy d*ck

I accidentally clicked on The Whale on Netflix, forgetting that when you click, you don't get more information, it starts.  And I was eating a bagel, so I kept watching.

Scene 1: A bus drives through a wilderness of fields, with mountains in the background.  It stops to let someone out -- with no houses or buildings for miles around?

Cut to someone teaching "persuasive writing" in a Zoom room.  The students wonder why his camera isn't on.  No icon, either, just a black square that gets bigger and bigger.  Maybe he's a ghost.

Scene 2: The teacher, Charlie, at home.  He's a super-chub plus who needs a walker to get around, now watching gay porn! Wheezing, clutching at his left arm, he begins grading a paper on Moby Dick. I thought he was having a heart attack.

A stranger played by Ty Simpkins, top photo, walks in, says "Oh my God," and asks if he need an ambulance.  No, still wheezing and clutching, he wants the stranger to read the Moby Dick essay to him.

Many people don't know that there is a gay couple in Moby Dick: Ishmael and Queequeg.  And a whale, ergo the title of the movie.

Reading it calms Charlie down.  He asks the stranger -- there to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ -- to retrieve his cell phone from beneath the couch.  Oh no, he's going to bash the guy to death.

Nope.  Just asks him to stick around while he calls his friend Liz, a nurse. 

Scene 3: Liz shows up, checks Charlie out, and complains that he should have gone to the hospital.  He has congestive heart failure. His blood pressure is 238/134.  Is that even possible?   

While he's in the bathroom, Liz talks to the God guy, Thomas.   He's from New Life; her father is on the church board.  She went when she was young, but she "fucking hated" the end-of-the-world bull*.  I get it; I grew up terrified that the Rapture would come at any moment, and I'd be left behind.  

By the way, Charlie hates New Life, too, because it killed his boyfriend -- her brother.  No doubt a suicide due to being indoctrinated into "God hates fags" ideology. So he doesn't need Thomas quoting the Book of Leviticus when he is about to die.  

They kick Thomas out.  Darn, I thought he would be a major character, and we'd get some people combating religious homophobia.  Maybe Charlie would help him come out. 

Scene 4: They argue about going to the hospital some more. Charlie still refuses.  They watch tv: The Idaho GOP presidential primary is tomorrow, with Ted Cruz leading, so this is March 7, 2016.

So, is there going to be any paranormal here at all?  Or at least a murder?  

I'm fast-forwarding.

Very limited setting -- everything takes place in Charlie's house, and there are only two more characters -- Charlie's estranged daughter, and the pizza delivery guy.  

Wait -- Thomas returns at minute 41.   Charlie is in the bathroom. The Estranged Daughter answers the door.

He says that Charlie wanted to hear about the New Life Church -- he kicked you out, dummy -- and brought some literature. 

"Oh, the end time cult thing.  All religion is bullshit. By the way, have some juice, and please come back again tomorrow."  Huh?  Does she like him?  Well, I guess he won't be coming out.

Daughter leaves, and Thomas starts badgering Charlie about the End Times.  Hey, maybe it will happen in the movie.  A Left Behind kind of thing.  

"There are a lot of clues in Scripture that suggest Christ is returning soon. I can't wait.  Everything bad in the world will be wiped clean." Like the gay people, right?

Then: "God brought me here for a reason. He wants me to save your soul." Being saved means not being gay anymore, of course.  

"There's something you can do for me," Charlie says.  Thomas thinks he means s*x, and starts stuttering "I'm not...I mean..."  At least he doesn't start screaming. 

Charlie explains that he is not interested in that.  He likes big guys.

Liz comes in. "What the f*ck is he doing here?"  

This is too problematic.  I'm getting triggered by evangelical homophobia.  I'll check wikipedia to see if Ty ends up coming out.

The answer, and Ty's d*ck, after the break. 

Jamie McGuire: The Smiley Creature from "From," with Halifax hunks and a nude Dylan Sprouse

Link to the nude photos

From, on MGM+, is set in the ruins of a small town, with a diner, a police station, a hotel, a farm, and some houses, where stranded travelers from various parts of the U.S. get stuck.  Every night humanoid creatures appear, dressed in 1950s costumes -- mechanic, nurse, librarian, tv cowboy.  They try to lure you outside, or trick you into letting them in, whereupon they turn into monsters and kill you.  

The Creatures are the main threat, and one of the biggest mysteries, in From. They are impervious to most weapons, but they don't have paranormal powers.  Their physiology is human, but dessicated, as if they've been mummified.  They were once regular humans: a Creature named Jasmine says "I didn't ask to be this way."  My theory is that some sort of dark magic went wrong during the 1950s, zapping the town into a pocket universe and transforming some of the townsfolk into Creatures.

Jamie McGuire's Smiley Creature has become a fan favorite, due to his especially huge, creepy grin and his quirky personality: he  seems delighted to be part of the world again.  He feels furniture, picks up objects.  He climbs aboard a stalled bus and plays at driving it.   

He was killed in Season 2, but Creatures never really die, so chances are he'll be back in Season 3.

Without the creepy grin, Jamie is quite handsome, so I wanted to know more about him.  

He's been interviewed a dozen times, but mostly about the Smiley Creature -- and he doesn't know any more than we do.  He just puts on a creepy grin and follows the director's instructions.

Researching Jamie McGuire turns out to be extremely difficult.  A Google search yields 3,000 entries about a romance novelist named Jamie McGuire, mostly reviewing two of her books that have been made into movies, Beautiful Disaster and Beautiful Wedding.    Dylan Sprouse, top photo, stars as an inked bad boy boxer. 

More Jamie after the break

"Time Cut": Girl travels into the past to prevent a murder, with Griffin Gluck's boyfriend and Zane Phillips n*de

Link to the n*de photos 

Netflix recommended Time Cut, 2024.  I'm a sucker for time travel/time paradox science fiction stories, so why not a movie?

Scene 1: 2003. Sweetly, Minnesota, har har.  Summer Fling -- her real name, har har!  -- goes to a barn dance-themed party.  Quinn (Griffin Gluck), the nerd with the unrequited crush on her, didn't think she would come, due to the serial killer targeting teens in the area.  He tries to give her a card confessing his love, but before he has a chance, Ethan (Samuel Braun, below), the obnoxious jock whom she is dating,  drags her off.

Cut to the dance.  Jock Ethan suggests that they raise their cups in memorial to the three dead teens, while a Michael Myers-masked killer stalks outside, and a police car zooms over the bridge. 

Uh-oh, Summer fling spills something, and goes to the empy bathroom to clean up.  The state police arrive to break up the party, but Summer doesn't hear them.  The killer arrives, chases her around, and finally grim-reaps her to death. So he was going to wait until the party emptied out except for one person?

Scene 2: April 18, 2024. Lucy awakens in her bed, goes out to a porch swing to mourn her dead sister, who she couldn't possibly have known -- and checks on the status of her application to a 3-month internship with NASA -- she got in!  

She scooters through town , which is in decay -- graffiti everywhere, town clock smashed, stores closed.   20 years ago the Slasher killed four teens, and the town went into its downward spiral.  Turn the slasher barn into a tourist attraction, like Lizzie Borden's house.

In school, she tells her science teacher that she got in.  He's ecstatic.  But she can't tell her parents because this is the anniversary of their daughter's murder.

Out in the hallway, the students are all talking about the murders -- the biggest event in the town's history. Two were killed in the mall.  "What the heck is a mall?", someone asks. Another at the Marine Museum, and the fourth at the big dance.

Scene 4: At home, Lucy visits her sister's old room, kept up as a shrine.  Overwhelmingly pink, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer poster, a landline phone, a creaking floorboard...wait, there's something under there -- notes. "Summer, now I'll be free, but you'll never be.  You'll regret this."  Girlfriend had lots of secrets.

Scene 5: Dinner at the Olive Garden  The server brings the "Field Family Special," and announces "You look so much like her." Come on, it's been 20 years.  How does a casual acquaintance even remember?

Mom and Dad (Michael Shanks, left) are walking shells, immersed in their grief like Miss Haversham moaning over that 30-year old wedding cake in Great Expectations.  They had Lucy as a substitute, but they ignore her individuality and accomplishments and just treat her as a  reminder of her dead sister.

Lucy comes clean about her internship offer.  "WHAT?  Go to DC for 3 months?  It's full of serial killers!   You can get a job at the tech company like me."  My Dad assumed that I would be going to work in the factory.  He only agreed to college when I got a full scholarship -- he figured I would go to work in the factory afterwards.

Next stop: The abandoned barn where Summer was murdered.  They've built a shrine full of photos, ceramic horses, Barbie dolls, and teddy bears.  Way more than 20.  They must come here every week. 

This week's offering: a pair of flip-flops that Mom carefully engraved.  Your living daughter is standing right there, idjit..

Uh-oh, Lucy forgot the offering she was going to leave.  As she fetches it, she hears a machine beeping and thrumming from inside the barn!   It's a weird techno-thing with a "start" button.  Do not push "start" on a strange machine girl!  She pushes it. Two lasers pop out and start thrumming, and zap!  Her parents aren't around, and the barn is brand new.  No bars on her cell phone -- no network!  It's 2003!

Who put a time machine in the barn?  This makes no sense.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.2, Continued: Eli catches a snake, Christian poses, and Kelvin sees the Devil's Testicle

 

This is the censored version of the review, with no nude photos or erotic content. Link to the nude photos and erotic content

Confronting the Blackmailers: The siblings go to the hotel where the blackmailers are staying.  When they pass a breastfeeding mother, Judy gazes hungrily at the baby, a maternal desire that is not referenced again.  The desk clerk tells them that the blackmailers checked out today.  Dead end. 

The desk clerk asks if "the little boy" is Jesse and Judy's son.  Kelvin counters that he's "fully grown..an adult man."  His belief that everyone treats him like a kid will be central in Season 2.

The Testicle: Jesse, in Gideon's room, fidgets with his wedding ring, suggesting that he is worried about his marital problems.  Compare Kelvin's fidgeting with his wedding ring during his breakup with Keefe in Season 3.

He begins to pray, interspliced with shots of Amber playing the piano and Keefe spotting Kelvin on the bench press.  Suddenly Keefe's testicle pops out of his gym shorts! 

Kelvin finishes a rep, his eyes closed from the exertion, then looks up and notices.  Keefe moves away.

Kelvin sits up, breathing heavily. The camera moves in for a close-up of his face. He is shocked and confused.  

This is not the expression of someone embarrassed from seeing his buddy's testicle. He is terrified.  Something is stirring that he doesn't understand, or maybe he understands but doesn't want to. He is experiencing homoerotic desire.  He can no longer interpret his feelings for Keefe as mere buddy-bonding.

Harder: Notice the motto on the wall: "Harder..better... faster. .stronger...saved."  This may be a reflection of the song "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger," although I wonder how Kelvin is familiar with an album by the Australian electro band Daft Punk, released in 2001, when he was 11 or 12 years old.   

Other suggestions: The Olympic motto, "Faster, Higher, Stronger," and Bigger, Stronger, Faster, a 2008 documentary about steroid abuse among bodybuilders. It included interviews with practically every pro bodybuillder of the present and past, from Arnold Schwarzenegger, top photo, to Mike Bell. 

More bodybuilders after the break