'Chad Powers": A-hole footballer disguised as a college student, with a gay roommate and lots of bare chests. And other stuff

Link to the n*de dudes

I have no interest in -- or knowledge of -- football, but when the new Hulu series Chad Powers is advertised by two hunks gazing at each other, ready to fight or kiss, what choice do I have?  

Wait -- the two hunks are both Glen Powell, who you recall from Scream Queens and Top Gun: Maverick.  He's playing Russ Holliday, a famous college football player who was cancelled after an altercation with a kid in a wheelchair (and various other a-hole acts).  He schemes to get back into the game by creating a new identity, Chad Powers, and playing for the  struggling Catfish football team at South Georgia College (like, he's catfishing them, har har).  Presumably he'll take classes, too.   

Glenn's butt on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

In Episode 1.1, he steals a lot of supplies from his Oscar-winning makeup artist Dad to create the character, goes to the campus, and has a meet-cute with team mascot Danny (Frankie Rodriguez), a fashion-and-pop culture junkie who offers to help him with the deception.  "Your new identity needs to be a modest, likeable guy.  Just play the opposite of yourself."  Danny is also a makeup artist. Dude is obviously gay.  

I'm reviewing Episode 1.2, where Russ tries to maintain his new identity at a party at the coach's lake house -- shirtless hunks are promised.

Scene 1:  Russ and Danny are behind the building, near the dumpsters.  Russ roils at his prosthetic cheeks, but Danny insists: "You have to become Chad Powers. But don't talk much."  Dylan (Jordan Mendoza) arrives with his new identification materials and transcripts, "but I couldn't find him a home address."  No problem, he can stay with Danny.  Tell me more. 

Gross -- there's a bug burrowing into his prosthetic cheek!

Frankie Rodriguez is gay in real life, and has played gay characters in High School Musical: the Series, Modern Family, and Will and Grace.  I'm sure that Danny is gay, too, but they may not give us more than a few hints.

Scene 2:  Football practice.  Subplot involves the fussy Coach (Steve Zahn) and his assistant, secretly his daughter (doubtless also Russ's Love Interest). 

Coach calls up Russ/Chad to note a problem with his transcripts: he was homeschooled in West Virginia, in a wilderness surrounded by wolves (nope, no wolves east of Minnesota).  So how did he manage to play high school football?

"Oh, I played...um...with the wolves."

Um...ok, not a problem.  The Coach needs a winning season, or he'll be fired, so he's willing to suspend his disbelief.

Next Gerry (Colton Ryan), from the scout team and backup, introduces himself.  So far, we have five named male characters.  I'm getting a testosterone high. Who cares what a "scout team" and "backup" are?

80% of the photos Colton Ryan's Instagram show him hugging, kissing, and frolicking with a lady, and the other 20% show her alone, dressed as a man, showing her legs, smooching at the camera.  I'm guessing that he's straight. 

Back to Chad Powers: Gerry teaches Russ/Chad his secret handshake, "a p*ssy symbol, because I get a lot of it."  I know -- I've seen the first 300 pictures on your Instagram. 

Gerry may want to be friends, but the other players ridicule Russ/Chad, especially Bully Nishan (Xavier Mills).

They start the practice.  Russ/Chad screws up and is demoted to backup: "Hey, Flowers for Algernon, this is where you grab this clipboard." Literary reference, har har.

Football research: There are two quarterbacks on each team. The Starting Quarterback, is chosen for his ability to draw photo-ops, fawning articles, and hefty donations from boosters.  The Backup does the grunt work while the other players call him names.  But if the Starting Quarterback is injured or traded to another team, won't the Backup take over, and the players who thought he was worthless will have to do what he says? 

On the sidelines, Russ/Chad asks his Love Interest why Coach demoted him to Backup.  "The Starting QB hasn't been decided yet," she assures him.  "Coach wants you and Gerry to compete for the role."  

More after the break.  

  

Scene 3: Locker room.  Some nice bare backsides, including Bully Nishawn's (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).  The Coach yells at Russ/Chad for not showering with the others. 

"Sorry, I can't shower.  I have a disorder in my p* hole."    

"Well, at least come come to my party this weekend at the lake house.  It's where I decide which candidate for Starting QB will draw the most donations, so if you don't show up, it goes to Gerry."  But there will be water!

Scene 4: At the apartment that night, Russ/Chad criticizes Confidant Danny for not having any throw pillows.  "How can I sleep without throw pillows?"  So go out and buy some, Princess.  

The lake house party will be a problem: Russ/Chad can't get wet while wearing a wig and prosthetic cheeks, so Chad has to be afraid of water.  He adds that fact to the Chad canon, along with Russ's ad-lib lines earlier: played football with wolves; older than normal due to COVID; can't shower because he has a pee-hole disorder.  "These are ridiculous. Talk less, ad-lib less! And be friends with Rival Gerry."

Queer code: Danny decorates his apartment with playbills for classic musicals: Singing in the Rain, West Side Story.  And a throw pillow that says "God is a woman."

More after the break

Scene 5: At the lake house, the coaches discuss who to make Starting QB.  Russ/Chad has a great arm, but he's too stupid to read a playbook.  Besides, the boosters (alumni with big donations) prefer a POV to be quarterback.  As far as I can tell, POV doesn't have a special meaning in football: it's Point of View.  

Cut to a scene with the Assistant Coach/Love Interest removing evidence that she's the Coach's daughter from the lake house, so the players won't realize that she got the job due to nepotism.  

Scene 6: Russ is driving his big, fancy car to the song "There's something women like about a pickup man." He has to park far from the lake house, since Chad wouldn't own a car like that.  On the way in, he runs into his Love Interest, flirts, and asks if he has a chance at being named Starting QB.  She isn't sure: "Your arm's a Howitzer (a kind of cannon), but strength isn't everything."  

Russ/Chad arrives at the lake house, with musclemen splashing, grabbing,  and frolicking in the pool.  Rival Gerry yells "Make way for the quarterback!" and cannonballs in, nearly splashing him!

Bully Nishan criticizes his performace at practice: "That was ass!"  Everyone laughs.

Remembering that he was told to be nice to Rival Gerry, Russ/Chad pretends to like him.  Bully Nishan is confused: "Wait, y'all are boys (friends)?"

"Well, we're men, but we're like boys together."

"Wait -- you're men who like boys together? I don't care what freaky sh*t you do, but you're (words I don't understand, probably meaning a good player)."

The team members try to bully Russ/Chad into the pool.  Used to doing the bullying, he roils at being a victim,, runs into the house, and texts Confidant Danny: "Chad is a f*cking yag.  I hate him."  Yag means "You are gay," used as an insult in a context where "gay" is not permitted.   Figures that A-hole Russ would be homophobic. But he doesn't mind living with a gay guy.

Scene 7: Russ is accosted by a dog owned by Tricia, head of the booster trust (the group that puts pressure on the coach to choose a POV Quarterback)..    "Don't worry, he thinks you're a rubber chew toy," she says.  

"I'm not rubber, I'm a man, made of flesh."  

"Obviously."  She checks out his bulge. That's always the way with hetero guys: the girl they want isn't interested, and the girl they don't want is all over them.  When you're gay, the guy you want and the guy you don't will usually agree to a three-way.

Problem: the boosters can't find any profiles from Chad's high school football career.  If he becomes quarterback, they'll need a media rollout with photos and a bio, but he has no internet presence at all. 

"We didn't have the internet in West Virginia."

"Do you have any experience playing football?  It's not just a matter of having a good arm. You need technical expertise."   Russ/Chad makes an excuse and runs away.  You just blew your chance of seeing his "flesh,"  lady.

Scene 8: Time for the big water balloon fight, dozens of shirtless musclemen throwing water balloons at each other.  It's like dodge ball: if you're hit, you're out of the game, and the last man standing wins for his whole team.

Russ/Chad starts out avoiding the water balloons, but then dives in with a "Fuck it!"  He hits a lot of players, and wins!  His team, delighted, pours a tub of water on him (or is it Gatorade?).  He rushes into the house to check his prosthetic cheeks!  They're ok, just full of water, which creates a chipmunk-cheek bulge.

The Love Interest catches him coming out of the bathroom.  He assures her that he wasn't pooping, which she thinks is insane.  So do I.  That's what people do in bathrooms.  Why would she judge him for it?

Scene 9:  The Coach calls Russ/Chad to the dock.  "You have the arm of a Yugoslav mortar launcher."  Where do they come up with these colorful ways to describe throwing ability?  "But you're also afraid, and fear makes players lose games."  Also he has no evidence of ever playing before.  "You have great potential, but until you get some experience, I'm going with Rival Gerry as the Starting QB. You're the Backup.  Now go do his laundry."

Russ/Chad argues that he's ready now! (Har-har, he was like the best player in the county).  Uh-oh, his prosthetic cheek starts to leak.  The Coach thinks he's crying.  He returns to his car, calculates the shortest route to L.A., and calls his Makeup Artist Dad (Toby Huss).

Dad is irate because of the makeup theft, the lack of contact, and his many other a-hole acts over the years.   

"I'm coming home."

"Nope.  I hope you're ok, but at some point the forgiveness runs out. Click."

Scene 10: The Coach tells the Love Interest that Russ/Chad ran off crying.  "You think he's ok?"

The backside of Steve Zahn (the Coach) is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

"Sure. He just loves the woods." 

They discuss problems with the Coach's wife, and bond over table tennis. 

Scene 11: Russ comes home and gives Confidant Danny some throw pillows: "It's about time I started getting a good night's sleep."

"How was the party?"

"Horrible. But at least no one found out that I am really Russ."

At the next practice, Russ/Chad has reconciled to being Backup QB.  Or not -- he throws his clipboard to the ground!  The end.

Beefcake: Muscleman heaven.

Gay Characters:  Danny, unless he's a gay tease.

Homophobia: Russ is homophobic, but the other players aren't.

Heterosexism: Very subdued.  Some locker room talk, some very flirtation.

Football Jargon: You'll need to pause a lot to look things up.

My Grade: B.  I'll change it to A if Danny mentions being gay or gets a boyfriend.

Bonus: A lot of backsides here, but not many d*cks, so I posted two n*de football players on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: Don Williams and Alexandre Gaucho (Brazilian football, close enough).

See also:  Rob Gronkowski: Football legend eats pancakes, swallows a beer can, shows us his hands and such

"Scream Queens" Episode 2.2: Glen Powell and John Stamos compare sizes at a sinister hospital. Also, there's a serial killer.

Matt Cornett: "Bella and the Bulldogs" and "High School Musical" alum . With gratuitous Buddy Keaton

Steve Zahn: From 1990s golden boy to 2020s depressed dad, with n*dity all the way down.

Toby Huss: Artie The Strongest Man in the World, The Wiz, Dot's Dad, and other iconic figures. Plus an interest in dudes