The Wizards of Waverly Place

Even Stevens, Hannah Montana, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody are not unique. American tv programs aimed at a juvenile audience are strictly forbidden from mentioning gay people or ever suggesting that heterosexual desire, practice, and identity are not universal human experience.  So the Disney Channel has become very good at hints.

For example, take Wizards of Waverly Place (2007-2012), an "I've Got a Secret" sitcom about a family of wizards living in contemporary Manhattan.  Jerry (David DeLuise, far right) and Theresa (Maria Canales Barrera) and their kids:

16-year old Justin (David Henrie, second from left), 14-year old Alex (Selena Gomez), and 12-year old Max (Jake T. Austin, far left). (The others are supporting characters.)







All of the characters have opposite-sex dates and relationships. Not one is Wearing a Sign.  Therefore they are all heterosexual, and gay people do not exist. Are you listening, network censors?  Ok, then:

1. Alex is gay.  She and Justin are constantly fighting over girls that they both want.  She's constantly telling Justin, "I like this girl. You can't have her."  During the third season, she falls in love with a butch lesbian stereotype named Stevie (Hayley Kiyoko), but drops her upon discovering that she is a leftist revolutionary. Her main squeeze is Harper (Jennifer Stone); the two eventually move into an apartment together.  No one even tries to pretend that they are platonic friends.

2. Justin is a heterosexual ally.  In one episode, Alex spreads a rumor that he is engaged to a boy, Hugh Normous (Josh Sussman).  Justin is angry, not because of the accusation, but because now he won't be able to attract the girl he likes.  Besides, he could do a lot better than Hugh Normous.

3. Hugh Normous is gay.  Alex is hit on by lots of guys at school, so she befriends Hugh, knowing that he won't have any romantic interest.  In the last season, she invites Hugh to a party at her apartment, where he hooks up with a guy.









4.  Uncle Kelso  (Jeff Garland) is gay. He is masquerading as pop star Shakira.  Alex asks if it bothers him that millions of teenage boys have his picture on their bedroom walls.  He shrugs.

5. Max is probably gay.

His crush on Alex's boyfriend, Mason (Gregg Sulkin, left, with costar Dan Benson), is so intense that when they break up, Max falls into a deep depression, and when Mason re-appears to request a reconciliation, Max thinks that Mason wants a reconciliation with him.  

At age sixteen, Max turns into a girl, and hates it because now he has to hang out with other girls; he likes to hang out with guys.

6. Just about everyone else in the cast could be gay or bisexual.  In “Saving WizTech” (2008), the evil Ronald Longcape (Chad Duell) flirts with Alex in order to steal her powers.  He admits that he wasn’t actually interested in Alex, any of the Russo wizards would do, but she seemed more gullible.  Therefore he would have been perfectly willing to flirt with Justin or Max.

And that's not even counting the constant gender-shifting and transvestism.

As stated earlier, every character expresses heterosexual interest, and not one is Wearing a Sign. Therefore they are all heterosexual.  Therefore gay people do not exist.  Is that clearly understood?

The story of my date with one of the stars is on Tales of West Hollywood.