"The Flowers": "Mozart in the Jungle," Only With Art

 

The Flowers, on Amazon Prime, is advertised as a wacky workplace comedy about "young, talented, and eccentric florists."  Sounds fun, and at least one of the florists has got to be gay, so I stream the first episode.

Scene 1: Establishing shot of a resort community.  A woman narrates: "Picasso said thar art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.  But he was wrong.  Art is the truth that enables us to see ourselves.

After weeks of movies about zombies and Christmas, a reference to art is deeply moving.  I like this series already.  I'm going to go take a virtual tour of the Musee d'Orsay and come back later.

Ana walks among the rich white people on a vast cabana, and finally announces "The Playa del Carmen Art Show."  We zoom in to Hunk applauding.  "Run by Benjamin Collins, one of the top art dealers in New York."

I checked.  None of the people being depicted are Mr. Collins (Bradley Gregg, left).

The narrator interrupts: "Lies, sex, jealousy.  That's what makes an art show."

What, no blackmail?

Scene 2: Three days earlier: Painter Eddie (guillermo Ivan, left, but looking much more attractive) and his agent, Jim, bring a shipment of paintings into a posh hotel.   "This is the best work I've ever done! Mr. Collins will go nuts!"  Jim agrees: "This will be the turning point of your career!"

But Mr. Collins is very eccentric and volatile  Let Jim do the talking.

Definitely getting a gay vibe from these two, especially Jim the Agent.  They can't keep their hands off each other.

They have an uncomfortable encounter with Ethan.

Jim:  "Ethan...um...now nice to see you (grimace, grimace)."

Ethan: "Oh, Mr. Collins always brings me everywhere."  I'll bet he does!  Hint hint, nudge, nudge. "Who's the boy toy?"

Jim: "For your information, I'm representing the best Latino artist in the country."

Ethan: "Who, Andy Warmhole?"  Ok, Ethan is obviously Jim's ex-boyfriend, and a bottom, so naturally he assumes that Eddie is a bottom,t oo.

Wait, that's not a pun?  There really is an artist named Andy Warmhole presenting at this show.

Angel, a surly hotel employee grimaces at them.

Scene 3:  Lili at the spa in one of those white terrycloth bathrobes tells another woman "I really needed this.  God bless your hands!'" Wink wink, nudge nudge.  The artist Ximena tries to flirt with her, but she keeps getting annoying phone calls from a man: "I don't know where your passport is.  Well, did you look in the blue bag?"

Ximina explains that she always paints her ex-boyfriends, because she gets her artistic inspiration through "fucking."  And she prefers dating other artists. "Reps and critics are old, boring, and gay."

Scene 4: Flamboyant Andy Warmhole and the nondescript Mr. Collins are discussing Ethan.  Andy: "I love him.  He's the best exhibit designer in New York.  But he doesn't have the right...vibe.

You mean you don't get a gay vibe from him?  After  all the catty drag-queen sexual innuendos?

When they leave, Angel the Surly Hotel Employee starts drinking their leftover drinks. Gross!  The housekeeper yells at him for being "disrespectful, gossiy, and cynical."  He explains that he's got a plan to "conquer the artists."  Uh-oh, he's going to blow up something or shoot somebody!

Scenee 5: Eddie the Artist and Jim the Agent (Scene 2) in a hotel room, unwrapping paintings (isn't that Ethan's job?).  Angel delivers a flower basket with a note "with love" but no name.  Eddie assumes that they are from Lili (Scene 3) who is apparently in charge of the show.  

So if Lili is in charge, what's Mr. Collins' job?

Whoops, Lili shows up.  She and Eddie are married!  But I thought Eddie was gay.  And when did he have time to make those annoying phone calls to the spa?  And Eddie doesn't seem at all the needy guy who calls his wife a dozen time to ask "Have you seen my passport?"

But...Lili didn't send the flowers!  They accuse each other of having a secret lover, with Lili a bit more aggressive: "Who sent you those flowers!  Tell me, or I'll kill you!"

Chill, girl.  You were flirting with Ximena ten minutes ago.

They argue about who is having an affair, throw things.  Eddie's paintings all depict women.    

"Tell Mr. Collins how you have captured the essence of a woman.  So vibrant.  So sensual"  Wow, this turned straight fast.

Remember that Ximena said that she paints her boyfriends?  Could these be girlfriends?  "How many times have you fucked her?  I'm gonna kill you!"

Scene 6: Uh-oh, Mr. Collins is here!  He can't interview Eddie in the middle of a fight!  Jim runs downstairs to head him off, explaining that there's been "an emergency," but Collins insists on going up to the room to see Eddie's art (wait -- he's going to decide if Eddie gets to be in the show or not?  I thought it was already decided.)

Upstairs, the argument continues ad nauseam.  I keep waiting for Lili to destroy the paintings.  Instead, Jim arrives and says that Mr. Collins can't make it.  They will reschedule.

Scene 7: Down in the bar, Jim explains how he got Mr. Collins to postpone. Ana, Jim's assistant, appears to talk to them about scheduling. 

I'm getting bored.  Straight people talking about scheduling is not what I signed up for.  Besides, why does an artist who has an agent with an assistant need "a big break"?  Looks like he's already a huge success.

Ethan appears, all schadenfreude smiling: "I hear you flaked on Mr. Collins"  It's been like ten minutes. How does everyone know?

Ethan starts flirting with Ana.

My God, no!  Not Ethan!  He's a swishy, flamboyant boy toy!

Scene 8: Back in the hotel room, Lili paces on the balcony to a song about backstabbing and lies.  She's going off that balcony, isn't she? It' looks like a suicide, but it's actually a murder?

No, darn it.

She goes inside and has an argument with the painting.  Come on, destroy it!

There's a knock on the door. Maybe it will be Ximena, and they will start a lesbian affair.  Nope,  It's Angel, with another card that belonged with the flowers, but got misplaced: "To the newly married couple, with love, the Millers." 

Ha-ha, all that drama for nothing!    The end.

Beefcake: No.  I can't even find beefcake photos of most of the actors, since they all apparently share names with famous South American soccer players.  Here's a miscellaneous hunk from way down the cast list.

Other Sights:  Nice hotel.

Idiotic Name:  Andy Warmhole

Read It Wrong: The series is about "young, talented, and eccentric artists,' Not florists.

Gay Tease:  Everybody was gay for the first three scenes.  I thought for sure that Eddie-Jim, Ethan-Mr. Collins, and Lili-Ximena were lovers.  Then one by one they  turned straight.  Except Jim -- in episode 3, he has a boyfriend.

I Could Write a Better Story: When the characters continually have chances to do interesting things, but do boring things instead, something is wrong. 

See: Mozart in the Jungle