Crossing Swords is an Adult Swim-style raunchy animated comedy parodying Medieval romance. The schtick is that all of the people are pegs, with no arms or legs. When they hold something, it appears in space next to them -- which becomes a problem when there are two people, and you can't tell who is holding what.
Scene 1: Patrick escorting King Merriman (Luke Evans) and his family across the desert to an Egyptian kingdom, where they are trying to form an alliance by marrying their squire Holden to Prince Rami IV.
Scene 2: Everyone is partying. The dimwitted squire Broh yells out a congratulations: "I hope you wreck that dude tonight! Or that he wrecks you! I'm unclear on your relationship's sexual dynamics." Holden doesn't look happy. Patrick is suspicious.
King Merriman asks Patrick for help on his speech; the Queen gets drunk; the Princess ignores her own arranged fiance.
Scene 3: The rehearsal dinner. King Merriman begins his speech with "Webster's Dictionary defines sodomy as...", but Patrick quickly jumps in and changes the cue cards to "a celebration of true love."
Later, Patrick overhears Prince Rami complainng: "I don't want to marry some swampland duke's son." The Pharaoh reassures him: "it's just until tomorrow night." Uh-oh.
Patrick seeks out Holden and asks "Um...is everything ok between you and Rami?" "Of course. I love his money...um, I mean him. You're just jealous because I'm marrying a prince."
Scene 4: King Merriman discovers that one of the waiters is a deposed king! The Pharaoh has been conquering kingdoms and forcing the royalty to work in humiliating jobs, like wedding caterer.
Meanwhile, Patrick guards King Merriman's wedding present: an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus that his grandfather stole years ago, glammed up with jewels.
Suddenly his outlaw brother Ruben appears. It seems that he fell in love with Holden when they hooked up last season, so he's going to disrupt the wedding. But Patrick's job is to make sure the wedding goes smoothly!
Scene 5: Everyone watching centaur races. Ulp -- Outlaw Ruben is masquerading as a centaur!
A drag show. Ruben swings down on a robe, but grabs the wrong person.
The bachelor party. Ruben masquerades as a stripper. Patrick throws him out. "He looks like,...someone I knew," Holden muses. He turns to Prince Rami, who is having sex with another guy. "Maybe I'll just go to bed."
Scene 6: The wedding guests start to arrive, Patrick is exhausted from trying to keep Ruben away from Holden for the last 24 hours.
Back stage, Holden is practicing his vows: "Rami, this is the richest relationship I've ever been in...you make me feel secure...financially. I just wish you wouldn't have sex with other dudes all the time."
Suddenly Ruben bursts in and declares "We were meant to be together!" Holden agrees -- but that won't stop him from marrying Prince Rami's money.
Scene 7: Guards lock the door. Half the wedding guests are mummies. Patrick realizes that the wedding was just a ruse to conquer the kingdom and turn the royal family into servants. He rushes to warn Holden, who dismisses him: "You will not upstage me on my wedding day."
Then Ruben bursts in: "Stop the wedding! I have...feelings!" As the guards seize him, Holden has a change of heart. He tells Prince Rami, "I do care for you...r money, but I'm in love with someone else."
The Prince acknowledges that he was never really in love with Holden: "You think a prince with this ass would marry a squire with your ass? You're not my type. I like twunks -- a cross between a twink and a hunk."
Patrick tries to calm everyone down by bringing out the wedding gift: the stolen sarcophagus of the Pharaoh's great-grandfather. When he opens it, the mummies all come to life and attack the wedding guests.
Patrick uses the confusion to help the royal family escape. Ruben saves Holden.
Scene 8: On the way home. The King and Queen make fun of the tackiness of the wedding. Ruben and Holden make out. Patrick is disgusted. The end.
(Only eight scenes because I omitted the B Plot about Pirate Queen Coral's gambling debts).
Beefcake: If you like chests painted onto pegs. There are also peg-penises.
Gay Characters: Holden appears in only two other episodes, but he's presented as gay in both. Ruben is an ongoing character.
Homophobia: None. Everyone is completely nonchalant about gay people. Patrick is disgusted by the two guys making out in front of him, but probably because they are being very expressive, and they're all riding on the same camel.
My Grade: B.
The "hypnotist" (seen for about 1 sec.) has a rather impressive peg.
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