"Culprits," Episode 1.1: Joe faces racism, some very, very dangerous people, two penises, and his husband.

Culprits (2023) popped up on my Hulu recommendations.The episode descriptions were cryptic and cliched: a dangerous secret, spiralling lies, a shocking discovery, an impossible decision. But I was running late, so I started a scene-by-scene review without doing any more research. 

There are two stories, "Now" and "Three Years Ago," interspliced on the show but separate here to reduce confusion.

Prologue: An elderly Italian guy is chased through his mansion.  He claims that he didn't tell anyone, but he is shot and killed by a guy in a scary white mask.

Washington State, now.  Joe (Nathan Stewart-Jarratt), who is black and has dreads -- this will be important later -- drives his kids to school.  They sing, bicker and discuss how much they love each other. 

After he drops them off, he heads to the building he bought downtown, a former hardware store.  Uh-oh, a cop tries to arrest him for trespassing. "I own this building.  I just bought it."  "Don't be ridiculous.  How could a black guy own a building?"  Uh-oh, we're going to get a "walking while black" arrest..  Joe shows him the deed and his driver's license. The cop is still suspicious -- but grudgingly lets him go.

Next up: a meeting with the zoning board for permission to open a bistro on the site.  "But you're black...I mean, the building has historic significance, so we won't let a black guy...I mean, a black outsider... I mean, an outsider...did you know that you're black?"  

He's gay, y'all!: After a day full of racism, Joe goes home and kisses...Jules (Kevin Vidal)!  He's gay!  They kiss about five time!  Not a word in the plot synopsis.  The story isn't even about being gay. 

Back to the racism: Jules is going to force his Snooty White Lady Book Club to read The Poetry of Langston Hughes.  It will be hilarious to watch them get all flustered: "But he was black... I mean, gay...I mean, a poet..."

The duffle bag: In the middle of the night, while husband Jules sleeps, Joe leaves the house and drives into the woods.  He climbs over a fence, walks through  more woods, and pulls a duffle bag from a vault in a tree trunk!  Darn, I thought he was opening a secret passage to a high-tech underground lab.  It contains a lot of British currency. We spend about five minutes on his struggle to get the duffel bag over the fence again.

On the way home, he gets into a three-way accident.  The driver responsible zooms away; the other driver is badly injured; Joe is unhurt.  From the way he was eyeing the cars, I get the impression that the accident was intentional.  Is someone trying to kill Joe?   He stashes the duffle bag in a dumpster to pick up later, and calls 911.

After the EMTs check him out, a cop interrogates him: "You're obviously black...I mean drunk...wait. you're not drunk?  But you're black...I mean, where are the drugs?  I'll just take you to the station, so I can think of something to charge you with...um, I mean to make a witness statement...did you know you're black?"

The garbage truck: Strangely, after all that buildup, the cop doesn't arrest Joe.  He reveals that the hit-and-run car is registered to someone very important, who you don't want to mess with, and drives him home.  He immediately goes out to retrieve his money -- but the duffel bag has vanished from the dumpster!  Early morning trash pick-up, har-har.  After a long, pointless, slapstick scene, he retrieves the duffle bag.

Why are you all beat up?:  Joe takes his money to the building he bought, and hides it under the floorboards.  Then he showers -- nude backside alert -- changes clothes, and goes home, where he showers again.  He climbs in bed next to his husband, who has been snoozing peacefully this whole time. I'd definitely notice if my husband got out of bed in the middle of the night, drove somewhere, came home, drove off again, and came home again. At that moment, the alarm goes off, and the kids burst in, har har.  

Husband Jules notices that he's all beat up.  Joe explains that he drove to the store last night, and got into an accident. Darn, I thought husband would be in on the caper and coverup. Jules offers to fix the kids breakfast, so he can sleep. 

 Notice the Rothko print on the wall -- this will be important later. 

The Hit and Run Guy: Joe drops the kids off at school.  They say everyone is talking about Taylor Bedrosian's dad, who was arrested for a hit-and-run.  That was easy.  Joe looks him up on Voozoo: Kyle Bedrosian (Morgan Kelly), a local developer and councilman. Careful, don't search for "Morgan Kelly" and "nude" online.  The first 100 pictures are of...um, someone else.

The "three years ago" story after the break.

Three years ago, London: Joe, whose old name is David, drives Mr. Bardwell (Colin Salmon), a well-dressed bald guy. to a clandestine meeting in a scary neighborhood. A group of well-dressed men complain that Bardwell breaks too many rules,  and must be terminated.  They start shooting, but Joe manages to shoot or stab most of them and rush Bardwell through a drain pipe to the street.  They carjack their way to safety.

The Tate Gallery: Joe jogging -- I mean sprinting.  A mysterious man approaches anad announces that he has been summoned to the Tate Gallery to see the  immeasurably wealthy, powerful, dangerous. dangerous, dangerous Diane Harewood.  

At the Tate, Joe sits in front of a painting by Mark Rothko.  Harewood sits nearby and, insisting that they don't make eye contact, spends about five minutes bragging about how dangerous she is before getting to the point: she wants to hire him for a job "fucking with some very serious people."  And afterwards she'll get him a new identity.

The Detective: Back in London, Joe is at the gym, when Detective Mark Salanger (Tom Mothersdale) approaches and drives him to a safe house.  

At the safe house, the Detective and his assistant want to talk about Joe's visit to the Tate Gallery:  "How did you like the Rothkos?"  Uh-oh, he doesn't know what a Rothko is -- now they know that he was there for a meeting with the very, very, very dangerous Diane Harewood.  "We need you to take the job. Be a mole for us, and we'll give you a new identity afterwards." 

Joe claims that he doesn't know anything about it, and leaves.

Back to Dangerous Diane Harewood: Joe is back at the gym.  He leaves late, and walks through a deserted, scary parking lot.  Two goons grab him, tie him up, and take him to a deserted, scary building, where Dangerous Diane Harewood plans to shoot him because he squealed to the police. Why didn't she just have her goons do it?  "No, the police spoke to me. They want me to be a mole. But I didn't tell them anything."

Dangerous Diane nods at her goon, who brandishes a knife -- psych!  He's just going to cut the ropes.  The goons take off their ski masks -- it's Detective Mark Salanger and his assistant!  It was all a test!  Darn, I thought Dangerous Diane  would turn Joe into a double agent.  He's hired.  "Go pack a bag. You're not going back there after tonight."

The Poetry of Langston Hughes: At his apartment, Joe looks at photos of his old boyfriend. "Nothing personal," his attendant tells him.  "No documents. No photographs."  He selects a book: The Poetry of Langston Hughes, but tears out the "happy birthday" inscription.

The Caper: Diane introduces five recruits to the job: the detective and his assistant, Joe, a young black woman, and an elderly white man. Rules: Don't talk to anyone on the team about your past, or what you've done.  Use only these ridiculous names: Right Hand, Soldier, Officer, Muscle, Driver. 

 Hey, the Driver (the very well hung Vincent Riotta, left) is the elderly Italian guy who was murdered in the prologue!  The end.

Beefcake: Just Joe's butt

Gay Characters:  Joe and Jules, and an ex-boyfriend in a photograph. But this is a post-gay world where sexual orientation is completely irrelevant.  No one expresses even a whiff of homophobia.

Four plotlines: Joe faces racism as he tries to open his bistro; he tries to bring down the dangerous, powerful hit-and-run driver; someone is murdering all of the operatives in the caper; and the caper itself.

Padding:  A lot. Do we really need to see every detail about how Joe retrieved the money from the garbage truck?  Or have it missing at all?   Why be interrogated by the police at the accident scene and at the police station?  Why take a shower twice on the same night?

My Grade: I'm actually more interested in the racism and hit-and-run plots; do we even need the caper?  B