Apr 26, 2015

The Top 10 Hunks of "Orange is the New Black"

I've been watching Orange is the New Black, the Netflix series based on the memoirs of Piper Kerman, a spoiled rich girl whose thirst for adventure led her to drug-running, and a 15-month sentence in federal prison.

It's not Oz.  Bloody beating is rare, rape practically non-existent.  Plotlines involve catching an elusive chicken, a missing screwdriver, and a fundamentalist Christian who tries to install a gigantic cross in the chapel.  Plus the backstories and ongoing drama of a cast of quirky characters.

Lesbian relationships -- and hookups -- are commonplace.  Even Piper, who identifies as bisexual, gets involved with the ex-girlfriend who drew her into the drug trade in the first place.

Plus there's a transwoman played by an actual transwoman, Laverne Cox, who became the first transgender person to be nominated for a prime time Emmy and to appear on the cover of Time magazine.

Even though it's set in a woman's prison, there is ample beefcake: male guards, boyfriends, guys from the backstories.

1. Jason Biggs (top photo), grown up considerably since his salad days in those horrible American Pie movies, as Larry Bloom, Piper's ex-fiance, who is writing an expose of prison conditions.

2. It came as quite a shock when naive young guard John Bennett (Matt McGorry, left), who is having an affair with the inmate Daya, first took his clothes off.  He has a bodybuilder's physique!

3. Nick Stevenson plays Pete Harper, the husband (then ex-husband) of the woman Larry is having an affair with.  When he finds out, he goes on a rampage and punches Larry in the face.

4. Chubby redhead Michael Chernus as Piper's hippie brother, who lives in a van in the woods.

5. Bodybuiilder Alexander Wraith plays Vasily Reznikov, son of Red, the Russian woman who runs the prison kitchen.  He helps Red smuggle contraband.

More after the break.

The Hookup at the Sleepover

When I was a kid, the Baby Boom was in full swing, so we rarely did anything alone.   I invited a friend for dinner, or got invited to dinner, at least once a week.  I invited a friend to stay over night, or got invited to stay over night, nearly every weekend.

And then there were sleepovers.  

At least once a month, starting in third grade and continuing into the first year or two of junior high.

Three or four boys arrive at the host's house after dinner on Friday or Saturday night.

You romp around, playing games (my favorite was Twister), watching tv, eating pizza, and generally roughhousing until bedtime, which is much later than usual.

Then you camp out in the host's bedroom.

You all compete for the honor of sharing the host's bed.  Everyone else squeezes into the other bed (most boys had two), or onto blankets laid out on the floor. Some boys bring sleeping bags.

The beefcake is amazing!  You bring pajamas, but rarely wear them.  You sleep in your underwear.  There are cute boys lying shirtless everywhere you look.

And the touching!  Nothing sexual happens -- by the time you are old enough to think about such things, sleepovers are rare.  But when three boys are lying side by side on the floor, who can help but hug, cuddle, caress?  When you share the host's bed, which is a little too small for two people, you have no choice but to sleep pressed together.

In the morning, you dress, have a nice breakfast, and walk home (if it's Saturday) or get picked up in time for church (if it's Sunday).

Bill, Joel, and I always invited each other to our sleepovers.  When I hosted, the fourth boy was always my brother, invited by default, and the Fifth Boy was someone new, someone I wanted to get to know better.

And see in his underwear.

The other guys did exactly the same thing.  The guest list was always: Jeff, Bill, Joel, your brother or another friend, and the Fifth Boy, a boy you wanted to hook up with.

Sometimes it didn't work out.  Once Joel invited David Angel as the Fifth Boy, but David refused to share his bed, allowing me the honor.  Both Joel and my boyfriend Bill were understandably upset, but they couldn't say or do anything, since the Fifth Boy was an unspoken tradition.

In the spring of seventh grade, I started "liking" Dan,  during my failed attempt to rescue him from bullies who were trying to shove him into the girl's locker room,  He accepted an invitation to my house, but refused to come to my sleepover the next weekend: "Sleepovers are for grade school babies."

So, for the Fifth Boy, I invited Peter, the only Asian kid at Washington Junior High, a tall, tight-muscled baseball player from my chemistry class.  He shared my bed, which was nice, but in the first flush of infatuation, I kept wishing that he was Dan.

Two weeks later, Peter invited me to his sleepover, obviously as Boy #2 or #3, since we had already hooked up.

Peter's Mom opened the door and escorted me to the basement rec room, where he was playing pingpong -- with Dan!

"Hey, I thought you said sleepovers were for grade school babies!" I exclaimed, hurt and jealous.

"Oh...well, Peter told me how much fun he had at yours, so I changed my mind."

"You're good friends?" I asked, afraid of the answer.  "Come over to his house a lot?"

"Not really.  He sits beside me in Civics Class, but I've never been to his house before.  He just invited me out of nowhere."

It was worse than I thought!  Dan was the Fifth Boy!

The rest of the night was a battle royale over Dan.  I sat next to him on the couch when we watched tv; Peter squeezed between us.  I brought him a soda; Peter brought him a piece of cake.  I bragged about how many push-ups I could do; Peter brought out his baseball trophies.

Finally it was bedtime, the moment of truth. There were blankets and pillows scattered on the floor in Peter's bedroom.  And one twin bed.

We all stripped to our underwear.

"Dan, you're with me!" Peter said, grinning as if to say "I've won!"

Think!  I told myself.  Keep Dan out of that bed!  "Um...are you sure?  It's pretty small, and you're pretty big.  There might not be enough room for Dan."

"Plenty of room!"  Peter insisted.  "My cousin sleeps over with me all the time, and he's bigger than me!" He climbed into bed and pulled down the covers.

"Anyway, I hate sleeping on the ground," Dan said.  ignoring my red-faced jealousy to climb into bed beside him.

"But...we listened to Donny Osmond!"  I whispered.  "Um...we can talk about him...."

There was nothing to do but take my place beside the other two boys, and try not to listen Peter and Dan whispering and giggling under the covers.

Later in the night, I was still awake when Dan climbed out of bed, went to the bathroom, then returned and pulled up the blankets next to me.

"Did you lose your way?" I whispered sarcastically.

"Peter kicks in his sleep," he said.

I slept with him two weeks ago, so I knew that Dan was lying.  But I didn't care.

See also: A Boy Named Angel

10 Easy Steps to Getting Any Guy

We've all had this problem:

You see the Man of Your Dreams at the gym or sitting by the pool, or at a cruise bar, standing by himself and glaring out at the world.  Physical perfection!  Exactly your type!  But when you try to make eye contact, you get cold, deadly Attitude.

Or he with a group of friends, so lively and animated that he brightens the room.  But when you go over and introduce yourself, he gives you a quick, dismissive "howsitgoing?" before turning away forever.

Chances are you'll move on, embarrassed, sad, angry, wondering "What's wrong with me?"    Maybe you'll latch on to the nearest guy to boost your self-esteem.

Don't.  Keep trying.

In 30 years of cruising and dating, I have not yet met a guy who was not available.

Literally.  Every guy who is gay, single, and over 18  is available.  Sometimes they just take a little work.

The key is to work on them without seeming obnoxious or desperate.

If you are interested in a hookup (not a romance).

1. It will take several weeks, so find some way to see him regularly.

2. Watch him for a few nights, noting how he interacts with other guys.  This will give you an idea why he rejected you.

3.  I was tired, not in the mood, or interested in someone else. Simply approach again.

4. You were too aggressive or not aggressive enough, too physical or not physical enough.  Modify your technique and approach again.

5. You look like you're into sexual acts that I wouldn't enjoy.  I get this one all the time.  Approach and complain about how hard it is to find a top, or a bottom, or someone who is just into cuddling.

6. You're not the type I usually find attractive.  This is the most common reason for rejection.  It requires you to convince him that he actually does find you attractive.

7. Return with a wingman -- guys feel less threatened when they are approached by a pair.

8. Have your wingman play up the qualities that he will find attractive.  Physical (exceptional beneath-the-belt gifts), social (maybe you're both recovering fundamentalists), or intellectual (maybe you speak five languages).

9. Approach him on another night, and seal the deal.

10. If he still rejects you, introduce him to a guy who is his type, and include yourself in the bargain.  Few guys will turn down a chance to go home with a muscle god, even if it means sharing with the unattractive friend,

If you are interested in romance (not a hookup):

1. This will also take several weeks.

2. As with the hookup, watch him interact with other guys.  Determine the reason he rejected you.

3.  I was tired, not in the mood, or interested in someone else. Simply approach again.

4. You were too aggressive or not aggressive enough, too physical or not physical enough.  Modify your technique and approach again.

5. I just got out of a bad relationship, or I'm not ready for a relationship.  Pretend that you just want a casual hookup.

6. I want a relationship, and you acted like you wanted a hookup.  Approach with a wingman, with whom you will discuss your romantic inclinations.

7. You're not the type I usually find attractive.  This requires a different approach than with a hookup.  Make friends with one of his friends and casually find out about his social, political, and intellectual interests.

8.  Develop a sudden interest in golf, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Italian opera.

9. Soon you will find yourself set up on a date with him, without ever asking.

10.  If that doesn't work, you may have to settle for a hookup only.  But who knows?  Hookups often develop into something more.

This only works if he's gay.  If he's straight, see 15 Simple Rules for Cruising Straight Guys.

See also: 10 Guys Who Got Away.