Sep 22, 2018

Why the Hell Did I Buy "What the Hell did I Just Read"?

Earlier this week, while I was looking for a book on Scandinavian languages, I came across a loud, blaring ad for What the Hell Did I Just Read?

At first I thought it was a book of literary reviews, but the blurb instead said that it was a "wildly inventive, mind-bending, hilarious horror comedy," Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy meets The Walking Dead.

Well, I like both Hitchhiker's Guide and The Walking Dead, and it was half price on Amazon, so why not?

While it was bouncing over on 2-day Amazon Prime, I discovered that the author was David Wong, whose earlier book inspired the movie John Dies at the End (2012): a horror-sci fi comedy about two buddies, David and John (Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes), who become reluctant heroes in a world of nonsensical paranormal danger.

There's no actual same-sex kissing in the movie,and no actual gay characters, but there is a strong gay subtext.  The Girl turns out to be a ghost, John doesn't die at the end, and the two buddies walk off into the sunset together.

Both Chase Williamson and Rob Mayes have played gay characters in the past.

Sounds great.  I couldn't wait to read the novel.

In What the Hell, John, David, and Amy have become sort of X-File Private Eyes, starting their own paranormal investigation agency.  David starts off with some snarky but actually useful advice about paranormal experiences, such as:

To distinguish a supernatural visitor from a hallucination, ask it a question that you don't know the answer to, but can verify later, such as "Who is the current president of Peru?"

Then it went downhill.  It was not  at all funny, David's abrasive tone was annoying, and there were no  zombies (or Scandinavian languages), but ok.

Then it went even further downhill. Their case involved Mister Nymph, a mincing, lisping fruitcake who "acts like a fag" and preys on little girls.

I get it.  All gay men lisp and mince.  All gay men are pedophiles, with a particular interest in little girls, for some reason.

Fiction has been portraying child predators as lisping, mincing fags since Peter Lorre starred in M.

I stop reading at Page 38, and toss the book across the room.  It will go into the garbage tomorrow.

Surprisingly, the writer responsible for this mess is not Seth McFarland of the uber-homophobic Family Guy.

It's Jason Pargill, the head editor of Cracked.  He states that he is "not very liberal" (no kiddng?).  He didn't "come around" on gay rights until he met some gay people in his 20s.  But now he won't publish an article against gay marriage, as he perceives it as an attack on his friends.

But he doesn't mind writing a novel that attacks his friends.

10 Muscular Musselmans

When I was a kid, you found your images of hot guys anywhere you could.  Like on the jar of Musselman's Apple Sauce in the kitchen.

I don't like apple sauce -- sauce isn't a food, it goes on foods -- but I liked the label displaying a muscular guy lifting a gigantic apple. 

The mussel in Musselman has nothing to do with muscles.   Different etymologies are suggested.

1. The Middle German term for "wood, forest"
2. The Dutch word for "mussel"
3. Muslim

The apple sauce company was founded by German immigrant Christian High Musselman (1880-1944).  It's still run by his descendants in Inwood, West Virginia, in the northern part of the state, near Hagerstown, Maryland.

The Musselman Corporation funded a high school in Inwood.  The team is called the Appleman, and the mascot is an Apple.

I looked around to see how many muscular Musselmans I could find.

1. Adam Musselman (right), attending Rider University in New Jersey.

2. Darren Musselman from Michigan, who manages a hospice program for the dying.

3. Dustin Musselman, a student at Carnegie Mellon University in Pennsylvania.

4. Dylan, technically not a Musselman, but most of the apples come from his family's farm.

5. Eric Musselman, a coach at the University of Nevada, seen here taking his clothes off to celebrate a victory.

More after the break.

Sep 21, 2018

More Orphans of Small Town Beefcake

I've had these small town photos in my file, waiting to use them in posts, but either there aren't enough, or I don't find the town interesting enough to write about, or I can't figure out where they are from.

So here they are:

1. Fort Morgan, Alabama

2. Another Fort Morgan.

3. Fulda.  Minnesota or Germany, your choice.

4. Fulda World Fitness Day

5. I think this is a juggler from Guppy Gulch.  He should be juggling dildos.

6. Morristown Beard School.

7. Pottsville.

More after the break

8. Riptide Cruisers.  I don't know who they are, but I have like 6 similar photos of them.

9.  High school, park and recreation team, YMCA team?  Who knows?

10. Ryan Jack Danbury. I'm guessing his city is Danbury, and his last name is Jack?

11. Shakopee Carson.  Shakopee is a small town in Minnesota.

12. South Rowan.  Town, or his name?

13. St. Joseph's Rowing Team.  Ugly guys, but revealing green shorts.

14. St. Cloud Harmony Swim Team.  I just like the one in the flowered trunks.

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