I read online that former Disney teen Malachi Barton plays a gay character in Coven Academy, about a school for witches and warlocks. Apparently it's intended for kids of the generation that is not familiar with Harry Potter, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Wednesday, The Winx Saga, The Magicians, The Golden Compass, The School for Good and Evil, or American Horror Story. But if there really is a gay character, it will be worth the overused premise. It's a freeform series, so episodes vary in length from 10 to 20 minutes.
Episode 1, "Hex Education."Scene 1: Three girls on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. It's past curfew, so they take a shortcut to get back to the academy, and are approached by a handsome stranger. He turns out to be a vampire, accompanied by a whole brood, who attack, leading to a bloodstained newspaper. Shouldn't it be a bloodstained cell phone app?
Cut to an airplane landing, and Goth Girl Briar walking in slow motion out of the airport. She is rude to Uber driver Ollie, who takes her across the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway -- 28 miles long -- and through a neighborhood of old Victorians to the Crestpoint Academy for Troubled Girls.
"What do you have to do to become a troubled girl?" he asks. Rude reply. She looks at a photo of her and a young child of indeterminate gender. Update: It's actually herself as a child and her Gloriously Wonderful Mother.
The academy: a run-down mansion amid overgrown shrubbery. "Keep the meter running -- I won't be long."
Scene 2: Headmistress Graves (har har), that girl from
Saved by the Bell, explains that they like to keep a low profile in the neighborhood, so they masquerade as a haunted house.
Left: I'm sure you'd rather see Mark-Paul Gosselaer and Mario Lopez from Saved by the Bell instead (backside on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).
And his backside.
Next Headmistress Graves (har har) checks Briar's file: "So, you were designated 'troubled' because you were snooping at a police station. What were you doing there?"
"Something they're too lazy to do -- find my Gloriously Wonderful Mother, who is missing!"
"If you stick around, I'll help you find the truth abouot your beautiful mother." Beautiful, huh?
"Don't ever mention My Mother!" You brought her up, girl. "You're not worthy to talk about my wonderfully perfect Mother!" So, are you in love with her, or do you worship her as a goddess? Or both?
All of the glassware explodes, and she runs out.
"It's not safe out there," Headmistress Graves warns.
Scene 3: Briar runs out anyway, and growling things appear in the bushes. A voice comes from a storage drain. "Now that your powers are active, you're wearing a 'Please attack' sign. You'll be lunch in 30 seconds."
She ignores them, but hears growling and stomping, and runs into the secret passage.
It's Ditzy Girl (every focus girl has two friends, one ditzy and the other a fashionista). She leads Briar back into the academy and introduces her to Fashionista, who doesn't like her. Drama!
"Headmistress Graves (har har) forgot to tell you that this is a school of magic."
"Oh, like Hog..."
"Like nothing else! No writer in history has thought of this before!" The girls are studying general magic, plus developing their individual powers. Fashionista can read people's emotions ("I know that you're hiding something!"), and Ditzy can turn back time a few seconds.
Scene 4: Time for a tour. Ditzy notes that there are boys at the school, too, like Teese (Nathaniel McIntyre). They take different classes -- the girls' classes are strictly off limits, due to girl power and such.
One of the boys gazes at Briar in love-at-first-sight horniness.
Hey, that's Malachi Barton. I thought he was supposed to be gay?Briar gets a tour of self-defense class, where the teacher destroys the practice mannikin, then gazes up at her in awe. I guess everyone falls in love with her at first sight.
Next, the Archive, where all of the sacred objects are.
They ask her to try on new shoes, but Briar resists: "These shoes belonged to my Wonderfully Perfect Mother!"
Scene 5: Headmistress Graves (har har) asks Briar to stay. She agrees to spend the night.
Whoops, she left her pink bag, which belonged to her Wonderfully Perfect Mother, in the Uber. Could he still be waiting, after three or four hours?
Yep, he's there. Ollie (Louis Thresher) is definitely smitten.
He hands over the bag. In lieu of payment, he asks her out on a date -- but she has to buy the tickets, because he's broke.
"Um...er...I don't know. You seem nice, and I usually date bad boys. But maybe there's one at the school, and I'll need a love triangle, so you're on."
While they're talking, Malachi gazes jealously down from an upstairs window. You haven't even met her yet.
Fashionista comes out to snort about breaking the rules, so Briar has to go inside.
More after the break
