Link to the n*de Higginbothams
Prelude: A heterosexual nuclear family drives through the barren northwoods of New York:
1. Focus character Pat (Courtney Cox). Monica on Friends? I just reviewed a show starring her brother Ross.
2. Hubbie Terry (Greg Kinnear). Remember "Talk Soup"?
3. Their surly teenage daughter, Gaynor (Gaynor?) The actor is named Gus, so maybe they're nonbinary, but Gaynor (Gaynor?) herself gets a boyfriend later on.
4. Their portly teenage son, Jake, who is attached to a video game at all times. Jake has sort of a femme look, but will get a girlfriend later on. Actor Dylan Gage is gay in real life, and played a gay middle schooler on Pen15
The son and daughter are angry because they have to uproot their lives and leave their friends just because Mom had s*x with some random Muscle Guy. Flash to the encounter; all we see is Muscle Guy flexing his biceps in the mirror while doing it. Weird.
Muscle Guy is played by Jonathan Higginbotham, but the top photo is Max Carpeter as Stanley in "A Streetcar Named Desire," for reasons that will become evident.
Suddenly a little girl in a 1950s costume is standing in the road! In the wilderness a hundred miles from the nearest town? Mom screams that they hit her. Mom screams that they hit her. Nope, no one there. Dad suggests that it was a deer. That was no deer, buddy.
They arrive at the huge mansion. So if your partner cheats, your first reaction is to buy a huge mansion in upstate New York? Excuse me -- I have some cruising to do.
Mom notes that Daughter Gaylord gets a room on the other side of the house for privacy, and Son Jake gets his own bathroom with a door that locks, for...well, you know.
A sinister lady dressed as a 1950s socialite, who will eventually be identified as Rosemary (Mira Sorvino), is staring at them. Mom screams; she vanishes. Dad says that it was probably a deers.
Flashback to the realtor showing . Upstairs, there's a huge stained glass window depicting St. George and the Dragon, but George is a lady, Rosemary.
Back story: 17 years ago, Mom wrote a bestselling novel referred to variously as "lady stuff" and "female empowerment." She hasn't written a word since, but she hopes that moving to a mansion upstate, far away from Manhattan and its distractions -- museums, art galleries, bookstores, restaurants, gay bars -- will in spire her.
Sunday night: It's very cold in the house, so they light a fire. and the dining room table was lost, so they eat on the floor for "family time." Or you could eat off tv trays in the living room.
They have to say what they're looking forward to. Everyone chimes in: "Family! Spending more time with family! Family is everything! Family!" Ugh!
Son Jake and Daughter Gaybor were just paying lip-service to the family ideology. They rush off. With nothing else to do (no WIFI?), Dad suggests that they have s*x. "We haven't done it since you cheated on me." Way to put her in the mood.
Left: Not Jonathan Higginbotham the Muscle Guy, for reasons that will become evident. Matthew Higginbotham, a jungler who plays for the TSM Academy. After googling it, I still don't know what that is.
3 months earlier: Mom telling her therapist, "I didn't plan on cheating" She was in her tiny, tiny, tiny apartment, bored (half a block from the Metropolitan Museum of Art?) and sad. Muscle Guy came by to fix the faucet, and she tripped and accidentally fell onto his d*ck. . The therapist asks if she's on anti-anxiety medication. She's suffering from depression, not anxiety, but he gives her a prescription anway.
Back to the mansion: As Dad goes upstairs to get ready for s*x, Mom stalls by saying she wants to clean up the dinner dishes. Whoa, someone is playing the piano! And there's a tap on the window -- Rosemary, the lady from before, hovering ten feet off the grond! Monica runs upstairs, where Greg is ready for s*x in -- boxers and a t-shirt? He rushes down to check. No one there. "It must have been a deer." That was no deer, but Mom has been established as crazy. Maybe she's hallucinating.
Monday: Inm the morning, Mom pops a bunch of pills, criticizes Daughter Gaymer's short skirt, and listens to Son Jake's complaint that she forgot to cut the crusts off his PB*J. They criticize her for having s*x with a rando and forcing them to come to this haunte mansion.
When the school bus comes, Daughter Gazebo gazes at a hot guy (Derek Lah, left) and takes off some of her clothes to entice them. Why is Mom waiting with them? Helicopter parent. She asks Gayborhood to make good choices and Jake to try to make an age-appropriate friend, instead of hanging out with hunky older guys. Say what?
Mom's agent calls: We gave you an advance for your new book six years ago, so get it in, or give the money back. She goes up to the dark, scary attic, full of leering dolls and clowns, to start working. You've got 300 rooms. Find yourself a proper home office.
The dog wants to play, but his ball rolls under a dresser, where Mom finds a picture of the two ghosts she's seen so far, the little girl and the socialite Rosemary. One whispers at her!
Hubby takes a $250 cab from the city to investigate, but finds nothing. Or you could call 911 and report a home intruder. He thinks that it was just the wind.
More after the break
