Love in the Time of Sea Monsters

 

Link to the uncensored version

I thought that the gay subtext romance in "Below"  was a little underdeveloped, so I fixed it.  I hope I got the Newfoundland slang right

Fort McMurray was a sh*thole town in northern Alberta, where ox-dumb byes, former high school footballers and Newfie fishermans' sons, sweated and strained on the oil sands, and slept in too-tight quarters.  Where on the weekends, there was nothing to do but drink, gamble, and go down on guys.

Jay loved it.

It was just temporary, of course. Sometimes after staying up all night at the Rivers Casino, Jay passed All Saints Anglican Church, with husbands and wives and kids filing inside, the men in their Sunday suits, the women in sun dresses, and he thought, "That's me in a few years.  That's my destiny."  S*x with girls was ok, nothing spectacular --  he could take it or leave it.  The sudden rush of "Whoa, that's hot!" came only from men.  But he was nearly 30, and finding a girl, getting married, and having a family was the only pathway to maturity.  To adulthood.  To living a normal life.

But finding a girl could wait.  There were too many Jesus hot byes in Fort Mac.

Then he lost $40,000 in a single night of drinking too much and not gambling enough.  Now it was $80,000, payment or broken legs,  due immediately.  He ran away to Calgary, and then home to Snook's Arms, a tourist village on the Newfoundland coast.  He never talked about home with any of the Fort Mac byes, so no one would know where he was. Hopefully.

Monday:

Snook's Arms wasn't as idyllic as Jay remembered.  Dad, an iceberg wrangler, had accidentally uncovered a frozen block of sea monster mucus crawling with ancient microbes, his brother Wade was having hallucinations, and his sister was upset over the theft of her engagement ring.  And Jay got a text: "You're a dead man!"  

Tuesday:

Half the town was getting sick from the ancient microbes, and the owner of the mucus block, an ancient sea monster, had re-appeared to chomp fishermen in half.  And Jay got another text:  "We know where you are, f*cko!"  

Wednesday:

In spite of all the paranormal threats, it was still Coming Home Year, so Snook's Arms had a week of festivities planned.  A girl Jay knew back in high school invited him to the Garden Party.  Maybe this was his chance at marriage and family, a normal life?

No such luck.  Before he could meet the girl, he was approached by two toughs.  He recognized Connor from Fort Mac:  he had gone down a few times.  A fellow Newfie, muscular, with red hair and a long red beard, but right mad. The other guy was black, slim, Jesus handsome, with a short beard and piercing brown eyes.

"Um...whaddaya at, byes?", he began.  "Welcome to..."

Connor punched him in the stomach.  The wind knocked out of him, he fell to his knees.  "What..."

"Me and me bye Mo had to take two flights, a three hour drive, and a ferry ride just to see ye, ye handsome devil.  The boss wants his money."

Connor punched him again, and the black guy -- Mo, maybe short for Mohammed?  -- kicked him.

"I been done, boyo -- I gots the money," he said, right skeezed.  "Almost.  I just need  a day or two to gather it up. Look -- I'll go down.  Both of ye."

Connor grinned.  "I admit, you're a  right mad c*cksman, me love, but not $60,000 worth."

"Just in a sign of good faith." 

"Eh...do us both, and you get two days." He led Jay off into the woods.

The s*x scene is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Thursday:

When the skeets approached again, Jay showed them proof of city residency.  "The province is paying us to relocate. I'll have $60,000 in just a few weeks."

"We need the money now, me bye!"  Connor yelled, right rotted.  He punched Jay again. 

"Just a few weeks -- I promise.  Just think of this as a vacation.  We can have a time -- there's a casino down in Grants.  I can get you some girls..."

"We're not here for girls!" Mo exclaimed, staring at Jay.  Was he threatening or turned on?

"Byes, then.  Whatever you're into."

This made Mo smile.  Still staring at Jay, he said  "I've never been out east before, Connor. I wouldn't say no to some sightseeing."

Connor laughed.  "And byes.  That's all you ever think about, innit?" Wait -- was he into guys or not?  

"Ok, Jay boy, we'll give you two more days.  But it will cost you another bj."

Friday:

The town was under a stay-in-place order due to the disease that had everyone thirsty for no reason, a cult of monster-worshippers that had his brother Wade running around bare-arsed, and the sea monster, who for some reason targeted only the family's enemies. Just a normal week in Newfoundland. 

Saturday:

They scoffed at the Chicken Bar -- talking, smiling.  Was Jay beginning to think of them as friends, just a few days after they were punching and kicking him?

On the way home, Jay suggested some other fun things to do during their stay.  "We could go whale watching, or fishing."

"Fishing sounds good," Mo said, smiling.  "I haven't gone fishing since I was little, back in Mogadishu."

"Where's that?"

"Somalia."  Jay didn't know much about Somalia, just that there were a lot of Somali refugees in Canada, some in the oil fields in Fort Mac. And he read an article once about the biggest d*cks in the world.  Somalis were in the top ten.

Imagining Mo's d*ck, he started to blush.  "What kind of fish?"

Connor ordered them to shut up.  Hey, they weren't turning onto the road that led back to the B&B!

Suddenly Mo pulled a gun.  Oh, shite!  His hands were trembling -- he was right shitebaked, terrified!   Jay could use his hesitation -- he jerked at the gun.  Mo shot indiscriminately, Connor screamed -- and they flew off the road into the bay. 

Jay managed to kick open the car door and swim out just as the sea monster attacked, its huge mouth chomping down on the car...chewing it?  "Jay, help!" Mo yelled.

Jesus shite!  He dove back into the bay and pulled Mo to safety, but he didn't reach Connor in time. The sea monster finished chomping on the car and disappeared.

More after the break

"12 Dates of Christmas": To please "don't be single!" Mom, Chris goes on 12 wacky dates. Which guy would you hook up with? Hint: 4 have d*ck pics

Link to the n*de dudes

Sometimes it's fun to go undercover and watch a movie for heterosexuals only, written and produced with the belief that LGBTQ people do not exist.  You can observe the weird norms and crazy customs of the neighbors and coworkers who you see every day, but know very little about.  And it's the start of the Christmas glut of romcoms, so I'm watching The Twelve Dates of Christmas (2026).

Scene 1: Establishing shot of Clinton.  Iowa or New York?  Happy Homes store manager Chris (Lucy Hale of Pretty Little Liars) and her Assistant are  grinning as they set up for Christmas.   

Chris gets an article from Mom: "Why you are still single over 30."  Ugh, the pressure to marry is intense for heteros!

 She has a meet-cute with the dashing, handsome, extremely well h*ng investment banker Peter Grant (Ian Harding), who she knew in college, when they were both dating other people.

"You were surprisingly good at calculus," she notes.

"But it was worthless. I've never needed it since."  College is not for job training, jerk. It's to make you aware of the world you're living in.

As they gaze at each other in Man of My Dreams/Woman of My Dreams desire, Chris's Mean Girl frenemy pops in.  "Oh, I see you've met my dashing, extremely well h*ng lover. We just met on the street and realized that we were soul mates, so I'm no longer single.  See how easy it is?  Come along, darling, walkies."

Dashing  Peter Grant smiles apologetically, and allows the Mean Girl to lead him out on his leash. 

Scene 2: It's Christmas Eve: Chris, her parents, two ladies, and two men. After some "Everything you say and do is wrong" chitchat from Mom, they sit down to dinner.  Tyler (Ryan Raines) sits next to Dad, not next to a girl, so I figured that he was a brother.  Nope, he's dating Daughter #2.  

"Hey, an empty place setting," Tyler notes.  "Who maked a mistake."

"I figured Chris would be bringing someone," Mom snipes, "because she must have someone."

"This is the third time you've put a place setting out for an imaginary boyfriend that doesn't exist.!" Chris complains.

They say grace.  Mom prays for Chris to get a boyfriend. "May he walk through that door right now!"

The prayer is not answered.  

Daughter #2 announces that she and Tyler are engaged.  Daughter #3 announces that she and Brady are trying to get pregnant. This makes Mom more anxious to get Chris, Daughter #1, married off. 

"I'm just worried that you'll be alone for the rest of your life."  Being single doesn't mean that you're alone.  What about friends?

"I pledge that I will never be single on Christmas again!"

Scene 3: Montage of the months going by, until September.  Her assistant announces that Christmas is in 12 weeks, so time to fulfill your pledge and find someone fast.  Heck, everybody is in on it.  I can sympathize .  In high school, everybody -- parents, cousins, friends, teachers, the youth minister -- was pushing me to find The Girl of My Dreams, going into ecstasies every time I mentioned a girl, however casually, interrogating me on "do you like that girl?  How about that one?  Her? Her? Her?"  But I doubt that this movie will end with Chris coming out.

Mean Girl comes in.  Remember the Dashing Peter Grant, who fell in love with her on the street last year?  Bad news: They're still dating.  Good news: He just bought the Collins Mansion, and wants Chris to renovate it for him.  I thought she owned a Christmas tchotscke store.

Since the Dashing Dude is out of the picture, the Assistant sets her up on a series of dates on a dating app.  She's bound to find the Man of Her Dreams by Christmas!

Date #1: Chadwick (Ryker Lynch, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), an influencer who livestreams the evening. 

The Dashing Peter Peter comes in to the store to check on the renovation.  They gaze longingly at each other.  Hey, this is a female version of a 1980s teen nerd movie, where the nerd is in love with the Person of Their Dreams, who is dating someone so obnoxious that one can't imagine anyone wanting to be with them for more than thirty seconds (or however long hetero stuff takes). 

Date #2: Emron (Jaylen Moore, left), whose English is very bad, so he has to use an AI to communicate, and misinterprets everything she says.

Date #3: Michael (Kyle Mac, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) who orders before she arrives: Chaka nutrient granola with hemp, chia, and cactus thistle pits over moonbeam ice.

Chris recognizes "moonbeam ice cream" from a song, but Michael isn't familiar with it

 Date #4:  Name not given. They seem to be getting on ok, discussing bad dating experiences.  She wants a second date, and he agrees, but "I just need the final ok. Mummy?"  Mama's Boy, got it.  

Are we really going to go through all twelve before she settles down with the Dashing Dude?

The swishy waiter at the Mexican restaurant knows all about her dating, since she meets most of them there.

More after the break

Ben Brainard: Short guy comedian posts adult photos. Can humor and hotness co-exist?

 

Link to the n*de photos

I was intrigued by comedian Ben Brainard's adult photos on LPSG and the celebrity p*nis subredit: comedians almost never post adult or even shirtless  photos. Apparently the consensus is that humor and hotness are mutually exclusive; you can tell jokes or show your stuff, but not both.

So who is this Ben Brainard?

He's a Florida boy, a 5'5" Short Guy, straight or bi, with ADHD, 2.7 million TikTok followers, and a nice backside. 

In January 2026, when ICE was going door-to-door in my town grabbing brown people and shooting anyone who protested, he posted an introduction, "In case you've forgotten who I am, or you're new here: F*ck ICE, f*ck Trump, f*ck this whole f*cking fascist regime."

My kind of comedy.

A stand-up bit:

"When I was in basic training (in the army), the guy who slept in the bunk next to me -- the big spoon most nights -- one day we woke up and he said 'I have a master's in family psychology, and I think I've diagnosed you: you have ADHD.'

'You have a master's in family psychology, and you joined the army?'

'We all make mistakes.'"

I think he was kidding about the big spoon.

"I'm in Nebraska, and they give me two options: Do you want to go to Omaha or Boys Town?  (Pause).  I'm going to Boys Town!  I'm straight, but it sounds like a fun time."

"People call me gay for driving a Prius, but it's a hybrid.  I'm bi."

Well, which is it, Benny Boy?

At least he doesn't riff constantly about his relations with ladies, like most straight comedians.

Ben was born in Florida in 1996, and grew up in Daytona Beach, where he was always "the funny kid."  But he also played three sports, took AP classes, and was voted Student Body President.  After high school, he attended Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University, where he was majoring in mechanical engineering and minoring in physics until he got bored with calculus. Bored with calculus?  I dropped the class twice after failing the first two quizzes.  He dropped out, moved to Orlando, and joined the army reserves. 

He started doing stand-up comedy at the Drunken Monkey Coffee Bar in Orlando, and became famous for TikTok videos that depicted various states arguing with each other.  Here Texas argues that Roe v. Wade allowed people to make their own choice, "but they were making the wrong choice."

He toured nationwide, hosted a podcast, appeared on Amber Live! and Dry Bar Comedy, and in 2025 starred in a comedy special, What a Mature Child.

In 2026, he was a contestant in You Laugh, You Leave: Live on Stage, performing with Shane Bianchi, Ross O'Donovan, and other comedians, while Jimmy Here and a celebrity panel judged them.   The one who gets the least laughs wins.

Coming up, Ben will play a TV host in Painted with L.O.V.E., an indie written and directed by Aaron Diaz (n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).  It's about a female AI companion who develops romantic feelings for her owner.

The adult photos are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

He must realize that 99% of his subscribers are gay men.  I respect straight guys who give it up for their gay fans.

See also: "It's Florida, Man," Episode 2.2: Guy gets high, gets n*ked, trashes a pizza place

Leon Mallett:Checking the East Anglia Boy's impressive adult photos first, researching his potential gayness and celebrity status later

Daniel Benson: The gay-vague Disney Channel teen hunk finds a new career showing gay guys his d*ck

18 teen idols who grew up to appear n*de on screen or post d*ck pics for fans

An amazingly open gay subtext in "Below": From attempted murder to romance in three hours. Plus some n*de Somali dudes

 

 Link to the n*de dudes

I went into the Netflix series Below (2026), about a sea monster plaguing a small fishing village, expecting no more than the Newfoundland accent and maybe some shirtless fishermen.  But before I knew it, there was a major gay subtext, a crazy, undeveloped, yet touching "enemies to lovers" story!

Below is set in the Newfoundland village of Snooks Arms, where ice fisherman Calvin (Azriel Dalman as a boy, former teen idol Josh Hartnett as an adult) has several problems:

First, a prehistoric sea monster that hunts random villager, starts a plague, and has a weird cult with psychic powers.

Josh Hartnett's backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Second, the province wants everyone to relocate.  If 90% of the villagers agree to the move, they'll get a stipend of $140,000 for a family, or $60,000 for single people.  He and his lesbian sister don't want to move.

Calvin has an on-off girlfriend and three kids.  They all have plotlines of their own, plus love interests.

Wade (Charlie Heaton, Jonathan Byers on Stranger Things, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), handles the cooking and cleaning for the family's bed-and-breakfast.  He keeps wanting to help on the ice fishing boat, but Dad refuses because he has ADHD, is taking psylociben for depression, and is a screw-up.

Love interest: He falls in love with a girl who happens to belong to the paranormal monster-worshipping cult, and wants to sacrifice him.

 Mary is visiting from Toronto with her musician boyfriend Noah (Caleb Horn).  Their plotline involves a stolen engagement ring.

Jay (Rohan Campbell) has been "working on an oil rig," he claims, and hanging out with the b'yes.  Tell me more.

His plotline:

Episode 1: While out ice fishing with his Dad, he gets a text: "You're a dead man!" .

Episode 2: It turns out that he owes $80,000 to a loan shark out west.  Two enforcers, the loose cannon Connor (Josh Cruddas, right) and the hesitant Mo (Matthew Worku, center), arrive for the payment.  Jay says that he needs another 24 hours. 

Episode 3:   In 24 hours, Jay delivers proof of residence in the town: when they relocate, he'll get a payout of $60,000. That's not good enough, so they start beating him up.  Dad Calvin intervenes.

Jay asks if they have a place to stay, and suggests a b&b (not the one his brother runs).  You're being awfully nice to the guys who were just hitting and kicking you.

More after the break.