Mar 17, 2020

"Cucumber" : Lots of Sex Amid the Tear-Jerking.

"Henry and Lance are a long-time couple, but after a disastrous date night, life will never be the same again.  Freddie draws battle lines. Only Cliff is devious enough to work out the truth."

Cucumber, on Amazon Prime, sounds like a gay Revenge, with plot twists, hidden agendas, and people who are not what they seem. But before committing, let's just take a look at the plot synopses on Wikipedia, to be on the safe side.

The title comes from a measure of erectile hardness, from tofu (semi-soft) to cucumber (rigid).

Episode 1. A  bald middle-aged gay guy, insurance salesman Henry (Vincent Franklin, middle), and his boyfriend Lance (Cyril Nri, right) get into a coffefe when Lance brings in Francesco (Peter Caulfield, left) for a three-way.

Henry calls the police and has the two arrested (on what charge?), then moves out.He seeks refuge with his twink friends from work Dean and Freddie (Fisayo Akinade, Freddie Fox).

And starts flirting with Freddie.

Episode 2: Henry is upset because Freddie rejected him, but hooks up with another old guy Cliff (Con O'Neill, left). 

Meanwhile Lance tries to hook up with straight guy Daniel (James Murray).

Episode 3: Henry's sister Cleo and her hot teenage son Adam (Ceallach Spellman, right) arrive to stay forever. 

Meanwhile Lance empties the joint checking account.

Meanwhile Freddie gets into a fight with his  abusive ex-lover (Edward MacLiam)

Episode 4:  I can't even. Henry, Lance, Cleo, and Freddie all go on dates, switch beds, hook up with  dates' roommates, bail when the date is bad in bed, whatever.

We did all those things in West Hollywood, but never on the same night.

Episode 5: Henry makes extra money by sellng videos of his nephew Adam and his friends having sex (see Episode 3).

He finally gets to to spend the night with his twink crush Freddie, but Freddie is into Leigh (Phaldut Sharma), who Henry hooked up with while on a date with someone else (see Episode 4) .Got all that?

Meanwhile, Lance is still obsessed with straight guy Daniel (see Episode 2), who is milking the attraction because he likes to dominate people.

Episode 6: Daniel finally agrees to have sex with Lance.  The ghost of Hazel Tyler from Queer as Folk warns him not to go, but he ignores her.  After sex, Daniel is overcome by gay-guilt and panic, so he hits Lance with a golf club and kills him.

Wait, I thought this was a comedy?

Episode 7:  Cliff, who Freddie hooked up with in Episode 2, is the Queen's Counsel (prosecuting attorney).  He informs the gang that Daniel has pled not guilty to the murder.  Meanwhile they are evicted from their various apartments and move into Henry's old house.

Episode 8: Daniel is convicted.  The gang eventually breaks up, and Henry is alone again.  Years later, Henry runs into Freddie, and they reminisce about happier times.


This makes me very sad.  It reminds me of West Hollywood: parties with prizes for the best celebrity hookup story, dates that ended up in the roommate's bed, "sharing" with friends, cruising at Mugi, Alan, Lane, Infinite Chazz, Yuri, David, Fred and Matt, a gang that has long since vanished or settled into mudane married life, a world of boundless joy that I will never see again.

No way I'm watching Cucumber.  But you might like it.

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