Mascarpone: Gay Rome, Lots of Hookups, Lots of Baking

 Mascarpone, on Amazon Prime: Antonio is a "family man."  Red flag: the belief that reproducing somehow makes you moral, upright, and infinitely valuable: "He can't be the killer!  He's a family man!'  Wait -- the blurb goes on to mention Antonio losing his "husband."  A gay family man? This I have to see.

Scene 1: The lean, hairy, shirtless Antonio (Giancarlo Commare) awakens alone, goes downstairs in his underwear (no bulge).  It's 13:11, rather late for a Family Man.  Making breakfast, he reads a brochure for a gay health club (not a sex club). 

Dressed, out onto the street, and to the gym, where he gets cruised by the hot guy on the next treadmill, Luca (Gianmarco Saurino).  Hey, you lift weights after cardio?  Rude: you'll make the bench all sweaty.  They strip down in the locker room (butt shot).  Luca complains about the crowd at this hour: "Just retired old men and bored trophy housewives.  Which one are you?"  Antonio shows his wedding ring. 

Scene 2: Apparently there's been a time jump.  We see pictures of the guys' wedding, and, I assume, toys for their kid (you can't be a family man without kids).  Antonio is making some kind of pastry when Luca enters in a business suit, carrying a briefcase: "Hi, Honey, I'm home."  Wait -- that's not Luca, it's a new guy, Lorenzo (Carlo Calderone).  This trophy wife really gets around!  He complains about Antonio baking all the time (say what?  I'd marry him!) and the fact that dinner's not on the table the minute he walks in the door. Sexist jerk!

Next, they argue about the health club, only 80 Euros a month.  Guess which partner hates the idea?  And about Antonio being cheerful and upbeat all the time.  Finally Lorenzo wails that he can't stand living like this, with a cute, cheerful partner who's always baking and trying to make him happy.  But is he into anal?  

 "I'm dumping you for Enrico!"  "But he's fugly!'  I'm dying to hear the Italian word translated as "fugly."  "He's depressed and miserable, and only eats take-out!  Perfect!  Now let's go to sleep."  Wait -- you dump the guy, and then climb in bed next to him?  That's crazy -- after dumping, you leave!

Scene 3: Antonio having lunch with his female BFF.   She is shocked that gays are allowed to divorce now.  What's next, winning the Championship?  I don't know what that means.  She offers him a place to stay, but he wants to start afresh, with his own place. I guess there is no kid, so the term "family man" is wrong. 

BFF's boyfriend Paolo (Alberto Paradossi)  joins them to discuss work (something about a file) and criticize Antonio for only going to the gym that one time: "You have to get buffed, like Freddie Mercury at Wembly 1986!"  Rather an antique reference.  "Work out!  And cut the carbs!  Protein!"  The boy and girl swallow each other's tongues and grin.  Har, har, heteros can make out in public without getting arrested or beat up!

Scene 4:  Antonio knocks on the door of a sleazy apartment in the Bohemian Montesacro neighborhood of Rome.  Denis (Eduardo Valdarnini), a swishy, drug-dealing hustler in a yellow caftan, opens the door, then gets naked (butt shot), and says "Hurry up!  A guy is coming to look at the room for rent."  Oh, he thought Antonio was a hookup!  

He explains that he needs a housemate to help with the rent, but he has a "terrible temper, many personal quirks, and OCD." Antonio is fine with this, so "200 Euros per week. C'est tout.  You can go." 

Scene 5: Hubby Lorenzo, of course, criticizes Antonio's housing choice.  "It's too expensive.  You don't even have a job. I said I would support you for six months, so why are you even looking?  Take the house-share.  Living with an ex is trouble!  

Hubby Lorenzo's sister Maria, who looks exactly like BFF Christine, drops in for an unwelcome visit.  She advises them to "work things out."  "You're an inspiration to everyone, the perfect couple!"  You should hear their bedroom talk, girl.  "Everyone back home is devastated. Your great-aunt spends all day in church, praying for you to get back together."  Lorenzo, of course, criticizes her and the family as "holy terrors."  Are you crazy?  I'd love a family that prayed for our relationship to work out, instead of praying for us to repent of our "evil lifestyle."

Scene 6:  In his new bedroom, Antonio begins to masturbate (nothing shown).  He is interrupted when one of his roommate's hookups stumbles by mistake. That happened to us in West Hollywood all the time.  Often the hookup stayed.

Scene 7:  Bff Christine and her boyfriend Paolo are helping Antonio unpack, an discussing what happened last night.  "Maybe your new roommate is a hooker."  Wrong again, subtitles.  We call the men hustlers. Whoops, Boyfriend Paolo and Roommate Denis know each other.  Small world

After they leave, Antonio asks Roomate Denis for a break on the rent.  "Nope, not possible!"  He figures out that Antonio lied about having a job, and offers to get him one. As a stripper, I hope.

Scene 8: Nope, it's in a bakery.  As an apprentice to head baker Luca, the guy who cruised him at the gym in Scene 1!  "Wait -- how did you know that I love to bake?  That was back in Scene 2, before we met!"  "I can tell from your hands."  By the way, the job starts right now -- it's Christmas time, so our business is booming, and we have to start baking at 2:00 am.

Switch to a montage of Antonio lugging sacks of flour around and not being allowed to do any actual baking. 

Scene 9:  Antonio sneaks into ex-hubby Lorenzo's place to hide a present under his Christmas tree.  But he's home.   "Oh..ugh...it's you.  Get out, and take your awful present with you!"  How did he manage to stay with this emotionally abusive jerk for so long?

Switch to Antonio cleaning up after the other bakers in Luca's crew.

Scene 10: Antonio complaining to BFF Christine that he had to work Christmas Day and New Year's Day.  They exchange gifts:she gets a crappy gag-scarf, and  he gets a romantic getaway for two. You must feel like a jerk, dude.  

It's actually a bath house with a heterosexual couple kissing in the hot tub.  BFF Christine and her boyfriend have provided him with a sex partner, Virginio (Samuele Picchi): "Sorry we're late, but Virginio's chest wouldn't fit in the car."  This is a very strange hookup. 

Antonio is extremely skittish, sitting as far from Virginio as possible in the steam room and carefully guarding his crotch to prevent groping.  Not dissuaded, Virginio suggests that they move on to the massage -- on his back.  "Sure -- but no kissing!"  Virginio complies, but Antonio still bolts.  Dude, that guy was hot, and perfectly nice, and you acted like a jerk.

Scene 11:  Back home, Antonio disapproves of his roommate Denis getting a blow job in the living room.  "This is a common space!  Do that in your bedroom!"   Not cool, dude: you're allowed to entertain guests in the common space.  The proper response would be: "Do me next."  

Later, Roommate Denis asks why Antonio is so upset.  "Because a super-hot, super-nice guy wanted to have sex with me!"  Um...and this is upsetting because....  Plot dump: He's never had a hookup; Lorenzo was his only sex partner, and apparently they waited for their wedding night. Is that even possible in the Gay World?  

Denis advises him to have some fun before settling down with Husband #2.

Scene 12: At work, Antonio has baked a cake.  Boss Luca complains: "I pay you to lug sacks of flower and mop floors."  "Try me on cakes."  So Luca gives him a raise, and he can afford to pay the rent -- which he throws at a sleeping Denis.

Scene 13: After work, Luca and Antonio are alone in the bakery -- and they start kissing, and rip each other's clothes off, and screw on one of the prep tables.  That was unexpectedly abrupt, but also inevitable after their cruising in Scene 1.

Scene 14: Antonio in the bathtub, smoking a cigarette, telling Roommate Denis and BFF Christine about his hookup.  He doesn't want to say who it is, but they surmise that it's Luca from the bakery.  "So, what's your opinion of recreational sex now?"

He's all for it.  Cut to several hookups, with Denis and Luca giving him advice in between: 1.  Never talk about your exes; 2. Never introduce him to your friends; 3. One time only; hookup twice, and you're dating.  He also has a three-way with Denis and Luca, and takes a class in pastry-making.

I'll stop the scene by scene there.

Beefcake: Lots of butts and bare chests.

Gay Characters: Obviously.

Rome: Not much, mostly generic street scenes.

My Grade:  It  was hard relating to Antonio as so completely isolated, nearly 30 with no gay friends, no job, and only one sex partner. Denis as a drug dealer/hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold, switching instantly from "Where's the rent?" to "I want to be your best friend," seemed rather a stretch, and the ex-hubby was uncomfortably unpleasant.  But the bare bodies were nice to look at, and I was pleased that Antonio's story arc was more about baking than finding true love.  B