The Top Beefcake Stars of the Disney Channel, 2019

Disney Channel sitcoms used to be almost entirely about teenager girls who want to become singers, or who already are singers. Remember Austin & Ally, Sonny with a Chance, Jesse, Hannah Montana?  It wasn't all bad, since the teenager girls had teenage boys hanging around, with the potential for gay subtexts.

Besides, many -- most -- of the teenage boys were "dreamy" or muscular or both. Remember the Austin half of Austin & Ally?

Now Disney seems to be mixing things up with high-concept, fourth-wall-breaking, bizarre-premise shows.  Plus the cast has gotten exponentially younger, and the beefcake exponentially scarcer.

Sydney to the Max.  Does anyone use the phrase "to the max" anymore?

 12 year old Sydney lives with her father, Max.  Her adventures are paralleled by flashbacks to Max as a 12-year old having similar adventures.

12-year old Max has a best friend, Leo, but they both get crushes on girls.  And Sydney gets crushes on boys.

The adult Max is played by Ian Reed Kesler, who looks rather buffed, and has played gay characters.

Fast Layne.  Don't you hate series with titles that are awful puns?

12-year old Sophie stumbles upon a talking car named VIN.    "I've got a secret" antics ensure.  Brandon Rossel stars as her crush.

Just Roll with It: 12 year old Owen Blatt and his family have sitcom adventures, but several times per episode, they stop the action to ask the studio audience what should happen next (you get three choices).   Then they continue based on the selection.   I'm not sure if they actually filmed multiple segments, or if they are memorizing huge scripts.

Oliver's dad is played by Tobie Windham, seen here in a stage production of A Midsummer Night's Dream (he's the one with the bulge).

Coop and Cami Ask the World: 12-year old twins Coop and Cami Wrather have an online show called What Would You Wrather? Don't you hate shows with titles that are awful puns?  In the show, viewers get to vote on their decisions.  For instance, when Coop's crush cancels on him, should he accept his mother's offer to be his "date" to the dance?

What?  No, that's tots creepy.

The cast seems to consist almost entirely of 12-year olds, but I did find Kevin Daniels as the school principal.

Raven's Home:  Remember That's So Raven (2003-2007), about a girl with psychic powers?  Well, Raven is home, a single mother living with her "best friend" and their kids in Chicago.

Closeted lesbian couple? The two ladies don't even have any hetero-romantic plotlines, although their preteen kids do.  This is a program I can get into, even though it's beefcake-deficient.

Jonathan McDaniel has a recurring role as Raven's ex-husband.  Believe me, you do not want to see what's going on under that shirt.

Bunk'd:  Remember the kids from Jesse?  They are inmates at an endless summer camp.

The good news is, they're well into their teen-idol years: Karan Brar is 20.

The bad news: Cameron Boyce appeared only as a guest star.

More bad news: Heterosexual hijinks abound.

Pup Academy:  Sentient dogs from a parallel world have to go to a special school to learn how to pass as pets.  Huh?

And there's a prophecy about a "Chosen One."

The human characters include the founder of the academy, his crush, his grandson, and his grandson's crush.  The dogs are voiced by girls.  I got nothing.





Gabby Duran and the Unsittables: Gabby becomes the babysitter to a gaggle of alien toddlers, and must keep their secret while dealing with their weird powers.

For once, the star is a teenage girl, not a 12-year old, so she has a teenage boy accomplice played by Maxwell Acee Donovan.

He may not be a Tiger Beat Fave Rave, but I'll take what I can get.

Now could somebody point this boy in the direction of a gym?