Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List: A Woman Turns a Straight Guy Gay

College students Naomi (former Disney teencom girl Victoria Justice) and Ely (soap star Pierson Fodé) are long-time besties.  Their parents, a single mom and two moms, are next door neighbors in a elegant apartment complex just off Washington Park in New York.(apartments in that neighborhood go for $7000 per month, so apparently the moms are loaded).

Ely is flamboyant, fierce, in-your-face fabulous.  One expects him to be competing in the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race.  But Naomi isn't having any of it.  She's ok with gay people, just not with Ely being gay.  She wants some of him; surely there must be a deep-voiced hetero stud buried beneath the layers of swish.  It will just take the love of a good woman to bring him out.

Does anyone in this day and age actually believe that you can "fix" gay men by sleeping with them?   Especially a 18-year old living in New York?

 Well, she does have a precedent. Her Dad had an affair with one of Ely's Moms. Is this an episode of Seinfeld from 20 years ago?

And, to be fair, Ely does give mixed signals.  He is literally all over her, holding, hugging, kissing (on the lips and everything, gazing into her eyes, spooning in bed.  Discussing the hotness of passing guys is apparently just a fun activity to engage in with the love of his life ("I love you more!" "No, I love you more!).

Maybe it's just bad acting from a straight guy ("Ok, my character is gay, so I should swish -- wow, my co-star is hot!").  Or maybe Ely will come out of the closet as a swishy straight man.


While Naomi is waiting for Ely to pop the question, the two have adopted a rule:  no competing over guys. If they both like a guy, they put him on a "no kiss list" (I would actually call it something else).  Thus,the plot.

Bruce 1, a nerdish photography student, has been in love with Naomi since he was five years old, but he's not her type -- not swishy enough.

So she accepts a date with Bruce 2 -- and, of course, brings Ely along.  Why wouldn't you bring the Love of Your Life along on a date?  Although she might want to stop holding hands with, dancing with, hugging, and kissing Ely for just a few minutes.  Really, the "let's demonstrate our favorite kissing scene from a romantic movie!" was uncalled-for.

At the end of the date, after Ely swallows Naomi's tongue for a few minutes, he suggests that she and Bruce 2 go home for sex (alone!).  I'd be running fast in the other direction, but Brruce 2  consents.  The foreplay is clunky and inept  -- he's obviously not interested in her in that way --so they call it off.

The next night Ely and Naomi go out alone, but in the middle of their romantic dance, another guy cuts in, and Ely kisses him!  Naomi is incensed by his "cheating."  Wait -- it's for her to have sex with other guys, but he can't even kiss?   So she visits Bruce 1 and hugs and kisses him.

A few days later, Bruce 2 shows up for a date with the life partners, but Naomi isn't around.  So Ely entertains him by displaying his comic book collection and chest, and they kiss.

No problem, right?  Naomi was just kissing Bruce 1 a minute ago.  But no, she can't find out.  Complications arise, including Bruce 2 hiding in a closet (hint, hint) and the wrong gum (Ely only chews Bubble Yum, so why does he offer Naomi Orbit before they swallow each other's tongues?).

The truth comes out, and  Naomi angrily dumps Ely.  He rebounds into a relationship with Bruce 2. (although we never see them kiss again).

After some huffing and puffing and "what is she doing here,"  Naomi settles down into a romance with the hot doorman Gabriel (Matthew Daddario), who was on the No Kiss List (ergo the title: Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List).

Finally Naomi and Ely reconcile, as friends -- no more tongue-swallowing, just a kisses on the hand and cheek and a nostalgic argument over who loves who more.

I don't understand this movie at all.  Not that I object to Ely staying gay, but he has spent the last 88 minutes being over-the-top heterosexual, or maybe bisexual with a strong preference for women. He has been over-the-top deeply, passionately, erotically in love with Naomi.  He looked like he had an erection every time she got within five feet, and he did everything sexual except actually put it in.  Having him say "I met a guy, and we're in love" doesn't make any sense.

Unless -- this was all from Naomi's point of view, and she's an unreliable narrator. We saw how she wanted Ely to act, not how he was really acting.

Nope.  Too subtle.

The fade out scene, by the way, does not involve Ely.  Naomi and Gabriel the Doorman are kissing and licking each other's lips, while Bruce 1 looks on in disgust.

I can sympathize.