Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, two d*cks, and no gay characters.

  

Link to the N*de Dudes

I've used stills from Noah Centineo's adult video as illustrations twice, but I don't know who he is, only that he filled in when Jake T. Austin left The Fosters. So, time to do some research.

He was born in 1996, and first appeared on screen with a kids' film, The Golden Retrievers, in 2008.

He appeared in three episodes of Austin & Allie, the first Disney Channel teencom to feature a canonical gay character, but he didn't play the gay character.

More guest spots on teencoms like Marvin Marvin and Shake It Up, and then his first starring role, How to Build a Better Boy, 2014.  He plays Jaden, the jock that science nerd Mae is crushing on, so she builds a cyber boyfriend to help win him. Matt Shively, left, plays her brother.

There's some some adult pictures in SPF-18, 2017, but it's not Noah, it's Jackson White, a depressed musician.  The focus character has to choose between Jackson and Noah, who is mourning the death of his father.  It gets a 3.3 rating on Rotten Tomatoes, probably because it is advertised as a romantic comedy, but is actually a depressing angst-fest.  

After 53 episodes of The Fosters, 2015-2018, Noah starred in To All the Boys I've Loved Before, 2018, but he's not the one loving the boys.  He's the Love Interest of focus character Lana, whose letters to her secret crushes are made public, destroying her life. 

In Sierra Burgess is a Loser, 2018, loser Sierra gets the help of the school's It-Girl to win the Boy of Her Dreams, Noah.  It also stars Will Peltz, left, as Spence, the It-Girl's boyfriend who dumps her.

More after the break

Jeremy Sumpter's half-n*de Peter Pan gave a generation of boys their gay awakening. But has he done anything gay lately? Or n*de?

Link to the n*de dudes

I always find the Peter Pan mythos disturbing.  

The creepy last name "Darling." 

The creepy dog in the nanny cap.  

Sewing a shadow onto Peter's bare feet.  

Shooting Wendy, thinking that she's a bird.

 Having to yell "I believe in fairies," or Tinker Bell will die.  

But the 2003 version, starring Jeremy Sumpter, was the most cringe.

What are the Freudian implications of Captain Hook, the pirate who wants to kill Peter, played by Jason Isaacs, who also plays Wendy's dad?   The father who is in love with the daughter, and doesn't want anyone else to be with her.

On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: Jason displays his d*ck in White Lotus

Whose idea was it to make Peter Pan a s*x symbol, with 13-yeare old Jeremy Sumpter bouncing around in little wisps of nothing much?   A loincloth would be less revealing, and less embarrassing to watch. 

For adults, anyway.  I understand that a lot of gay kids had their "gay awakening" watching Peter flex and fondle.

In the mythos, Peter wants Wendy to become his "mother," but a s*x symbol has to get The Girl, so here Peter and Wendy fall in love. Not subtext, full on canonical with "I love you" and a kiss.  

And the Lost Boys, instead of staying in Neverland, are adopted by the Darling family.  Darling, what a cringy name.  They will grow up to fulfill their heterosexual destiny, with houses and wives and kids, and "wear a suit and tie and a serious expression in the middle of July."

The actors who played the Lost Boys mostly grew up to houses and wives as well. 

Harry Eden (Nibs), who shows his stuff in Flashbacks from a Fool (2008), has become a professional golfer.

George MacKay (Curley) has 54 acting credits, and has shown his bum several times (and there's a d*ck pic in his profile).  I remember him as gay-subtext Bill in the Stephen King time travel drama 11.22.63

N*de photos of both are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

More after the break. 

Spider-Man: Brand New Day: Spidey flexes, visits a bathhouse, and brings a guy flowers. But it's not what you think.

 

Link to the n*de photos

 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies are not great at LGBT representation, and for some reason Spider-man movies are the worst of the lot: "Like all stories, and I mean every single story that has ever been told from Gilgamesh on to the present, including Death in Venice, The City and the Pillar, Call Me By Your Name, and Heartstopper, this story is about a boy and a girl."   So I went into Spider-Man: Brand New Day expecting to hear "feminine smiles are the meaning of life!" every few minutes.

I wasn't wrong.

There are three plotlines that actually could be three separate movies.

Plot #1: In the last movie, Spidey, aka Peter Parker (Tom Holland), zapped the memories of his True Love MJ and buddy Ned to "keep them safe."  Now he's living as a full-time superhero, ignoring the advice of his supervisor and the superhero Black Widow that he should get a girlfriend. 

Suddenly his powers start accelerating, giving him Hulk-style Roid Rage, but his web things fail to work at the most awkward moments.  He needs a device to inhibit some of his spider DNA while allowing the rest of it to keep giving him superpowers.  So he seeks out Incredible Hulk Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), who teaches at Empire State University.

Hulky has lost his True Love.

Cliche alert: The Advanced Physics class is held in a giant lecture hall, like all college classes in movies.

Plot #2: 

After interrogating the various people who helped the Supervillain Scorpion (Michael Mando) escape, Spidey realizes that they're dealing with a being who can jump from mind to mind, peering into their memories and controlling their actions.  They're interested in getting access to a secret vault at the Damage Control headquarters (where they clean up the damage caused by superhero fights, including a lot of superpower-enhancing detritus).  

Eventually the being occupies the mind of Spidey's True Love MJ, and threatens to drop her off a building her unless he helps with their goal.  But some of the stuff at Damage Control could hurt millions of people, so Spidey refuses.   

More after the break, with a spoiler and a d*ck.

Five things I like and five that I don't like about "My Brother, the Minotaur." #5 involves backsides and Ely d*ck

  

Link to the n*de photos

My Brother the Minotaur (2026) is an Irish animated series about a minotaur boy named Lorcan being raised by humans.

In Greek mythology, the Minotaur is a monster, the offspring of Pasiphaë and a bull, hidden away in the Labyrinth and fed human youth, but here minotaurs are humanoid beings with massive torsos and bull-horns.

Lorcan's questions about his heritage become urgent as he enters his teen years, and begins experiencing rage, hardening horns (symbolic of something or other), and disturbing nightmares.  Meanwhile, strange things are happening in the village.  His younger brother Charlie helps him investigate.

After watching several episodes, here is my evaluation:

Things I like:

1. The animation is very impressive, with stone cottages and dark forests  drawn in loving detail. The Kilkenny-based Cartoon Saloon wanted something unique, different from what other teen cartoons were doing.

2. The Irish culture.  They live on Bryony Island, named after an indigenous clinging vine.  Lorcan means "fierce one" in Irish.  You see the Irish flag and currency.  

3. Antagonist Craignelder's son Wesley Junior (Elliot Grihault, top photo and below) feels guilty about his involvement in his father's evil schemes, and may be working toward becoming an ally.  He has a poster of a sword-and-sorcery muscleman on his bedroom wall, an easy-to-miss queer code.

4. Lorcan (Ely Solan, left) and his brother have two female friends, but they never pair off into romantic dyads.  Actually, the girls have a lesbian subtext relationship of their own.

5. Many of the voice cast are queer in real life or have played gay characters.  

Ely Solan (Lucan), age 28, has a girlfriend, but he also has some potential n*de pics online (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)

Billy Jenkins (Charlie, the brother, left) emphasized the queer undertones as the Artful Dodger in Oliver! on stage and the tv series Dodger.

Billie Boulet (Dana, the tall, thin female friend) emphasizes the queer undertones in Anne Frank's story in A Small Light.

Michael Sheen (Antagonist Craignelder) has played several gay characters, including Robbie Ross, Oscar Wilde's boyfriend, in Wilde (1997); the closeted Carlos in Nocturnal Animals (2016); and the angel Aziraphale, who is in love with the demon Crowley in Good Omens (2019).

Elliot Grihault (his son, Wesley Jr ) is reputedly gay in real life.

More after the break

Charlie Ritter: John Ritter's grandson? Any on-screen roles? How many n*de photos does it take to get through the girl-craziness?

  

Link to the n*de dudes

When Charlie Ritter appeared on my Instagram recommendations, I assumed that he was the grandson of John Ritter, whose Jack Tripper pretended to be gay on Three's Company in the 1970s: the first time many of us had ever heard the word.  

Grandson Charlie is obviously straight.  There are a few guy-hugging photos, but usually he's hugging, kissing, cuddling with, and frolicking with girls! girls! girls!

Just one girl, duck-lipping or peace-signing.

Two girls, one for each arm.

Four girls, two on his arms, one grabbing his shoulders, and the other on her knees for some reason.

When he goes to a museum, he photographs the statues of ladies.

Here he's just sitting in a restaurant.  Presumably being photographed by a girl, but none are visible...wait, there's one on the sidewalk outside. Even while sitting in a restaurant. You have to be within twenty feet of the Eternal Feminine at all times, don't you, Chuck Baby?

Come on, this is excessive, even for the Don Juan -- Casanova -- Arthur Fonzarelli of our generation.  How could you afford all the corsages?

At least he displays a nice physique, if you can find selfie shots, without the Girls! Girls! Girls!

You haven't seen most of the hugging, kissing, grabbing, pretending to strangle, duck-lipping, hand-holding, and bossom-gazing, but I have, and I need a few d*cks before going on to Charlie's acting career (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

More after the break

Jacob Tierney: Former teen idol produces homophobic and gay-positive work, has a husband and two wives, but is not a sea monster.

  Note: this got censored for either the non-fully-clothed word or the unalive word, so I've gone through and scrubbed them out.

 Link to the not fully clothed  photos

As the younger generation says, "I was today years old" when I discovered that Jacob Tierney, producer of Heated Rivalry (2025), about gay hockey players, did not voice the gay sea monster in the Disney-Pixar Luca ( 2021).  That was Jacob Tremblay.  They're both gay, their names are almost identical, and I thougt that Luca came out in the 2010s, so it's an understandable mistake.

Correction: Tremblay (not-fully-clothed pic on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) has played only girl-crazy since Luca, and there's no significant boy hugging on his social media.  He may be straight.

But I was sure that I remembered Jacob Tierney as a teen idol somewhere.

Turns out that I remember the other Jacob from the indie film Josh and S.A.M. (1993).  13-year old Josh (Jacob) is upset by "accusations" that he is gay, so he concocts a wild scheme to prove his straightness, including convincing his 7-year brother Sam (Noah Fleiss) that he is a cyborg.  How does having a cyborg brother make you straight? 

They go on a bizarre road trip similar to the one in Motorama, and meet The Girl (Martha Plimpton of The Goonies)

As a child star, Jacob appeared in many other Canadian movies and tv shows.  He was best known for playing 10-year old vampire hunter Max in Dracula: The Series; Greg in the teen soap Watatow; and the sarcastic Eric, who was cut after the first season of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

As a teenager he was best know for The Neon Bible (1995), based on the book by Confederacy of Dunces author John Kennedy Toole.  I thought that guy only wrote the one book, and his mom found it in his room after he stopped being alive, and had it published, to the protests of readers everywhere.

Back to Neon: Shy, awkward David (Jacob, Drake Bell), growing up in an awful Southern Gothic town, finds comfort in the visit of an eccentric aunt.   Critics called it "unrelentingly downbeat": "it starts off dark and gets darker."

In adulthood Jacob began writing, directing, producing, and often  starring in his own films.  He came out at some point, so we should expect some LGBT representation:

Dad (2002): After a year in Africa, Mark comes home to find his Mom dating his best friend (Jacob).   I guess we're not there yet.

Twist (2003): A queer Oliver Twist set in contemporary Toronto, with Nick Stahl as Dodge (The Artful Dodger).  Here's the gay stuff, finally.

The Trotsky (2009): A Montreal high school student (Jay Baruchel) believes that he is the reincarnation of Trotsky.  He starts a revolution and kisses The Girl.  Wait, that's heterosexist...

Good Neighbors (2010): Three friends in Montreal, all straight, one a bad guy.  Hey....

He Hated Pigeons (2015): A man (Pedro Fontaine, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) drives from the north to the south end of Chile to keep a promise to a not-fully-alive boyfriend.  Back to gay content.

More after the break

The Lost Bus: Why did my partner choose this verkockten angst-fest for Movie Night? With McConaughey cock, ten hunks, and "Que sera, sera"

Link to the n*de photos 

This week my partner Bob chose the movie for Movie Night, while I was still in the kitchen putting artichoke hearts on my salad: The Lost Bus (2025).  I didn't even get a chance to read the description, but we almost always watch science fiction, fantasy, or horror, anything paranormal, so I figured the bus would be lost on a creepypasta highway that never ends. 

Scene 1: The horribly run-down, drought-ridden town of Paradise in northern California.   Matthew McConaughey, the hunkoid we recall from Dazed and Confused, Angels in the Outfield, and Boys on the Side, is almost unrecognizable as a grizzled, depressed school bus driver.  He drops off kids at their houses. There are only six left.  Then three.  Then none.

"Wait -- is he going to get lost on the never-ending highway by himself?"  I asked.

"This isn't a paranormal movie."

No paranormal?  Well, that's ok.  Sometimes we watch comedies -- but this is definitely not a comedy.  Or mysteries, if there's a gay character.  So Matt's character is gay, and an amateur sleuth.  

Scene 2: The extremely depressed Matt finishes his run, parks the bus at the bus yard, and asks the dispatcher for an extra shift.

Matt's backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends. He shows his d*ck on-screen two or three times (as in The Lincoln Lawyer, below), but it's too small to make out much.

"Sorry, but drivers with seniority get the first choice of the extra shifts, and you've only worked here for five minutes."

"But I'm desperately poor, and I have several dying relatives who need medicine!" 

"Everybody who works here is desperately poor and has dying relatives.  Next!"

Fuming with rage over the "injustice," Matt storms out, gets into his beat-up car, and zooms down the country roads.

This doesn't feel right.  I put it on pause.  "So the dispatcher is going to be murdered, with Matt the prime suspect?"

"This isn't a murder mystery," Bob said.

And Matt's character is pure redneck.  There are redneck gay men in real life, but in movies they all live in Manhattan and own twelve pairs of shoes.

Not a mystery, not a comedy, no paranormal, no gay character. WTF... 

"Tell me he's not going to kidnap the kids.  I don't do movies about kidnapped kids, crying and holding teddy bears.  I was traumatized by the kidnapped boy whose Mom was singing "Que sera, sera" I can't even hear that song without screaming.  Let's watch something else."

Left: The boy was Christopher Olsen, in The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956).  I saw the scene while my parents were watching it on tv.

"There's no crime in the movie," Bob told me.  "It's a thriller. Number #1 on Apple Plus this week."  He took it off pause.

Scene 3: Matt the Straight Redneck arrives at his run-down dirt farm.  His dog greets him weakly.  He gets a call saying that the cancer has spread, and "It's time."

"Ok, that's it!" I exclaimed.  "I definitely don't do dogs dying of cancer movies.  Turn the darn thing off, now!"

While we were watching something else,  I looked up a plot synopsis: the desperately poor, dying dog, fuming over injustice stuff is a misdirection (also the disabled mom and sick son that we hadn't gotten to yet).  Matt is going to be heroic, saving a busload of kids and The Girl (America Ferreira) from a forest fire.  

"I just read a plot synopsis," I told Bob.  "It sounds awful.  Why did you choose that movie, anyway?"

He shrugged. "It sounded good, and Matthew McConaughey is hot." 

Beefcake is a legitimate reason to watch a movie, but I checked -- Matt is so busy dealing with dying loved ones and saving terrified children that he doesn't have time to take off his shirt.

No one else does, but I'm going to look for beefcake and nude photos of the top ten hunks of this verkockten movie.

1. Matt.

2. His 18 year old son Levi, making his screen debut as Matt the Straight Redneck's estranged, sick son.

Levi is probably gay, but he has no other acting credits, so I can't look for gay characcters, and as of this writing he's only been 18 for a few weeks, so I can't look for nude photos. 

More after the break.

Rooster, Episode 1.1: Trashy novelist at an elite college, hetero romance problems, a gay sidekick, Dunster d*ck, and the guy from "Scrubs"

  

Link to the n*de dudes

Robert Heinlein once complained that science fiction was about exploring the vastness of time and space, while mainstream fiction -- the Rabbit Runs, Appointments in Samarra, and  Complaining Portnoys of our college lit classes -- was about men who hate their jobs and their wives.  "For Heaven's sake, get new jobs, get new wives, and shut the f*k up."

I am reminded of that quote when I think of the works of Steve Carrell:  Anchorman, Dan in Real Life,  The 40 Year Old Virgin, Cafe Society,  Date Night, Dinner for Schmucks, The Morning Show, The Four Seasons, all about little men trying desperately to find meaning in jobs and wives that they hate. Coincidentally, this is precisely the "job, house, wife, kids" trajectory that I rebelled against growing up.

So I wasn't planning to watch the HBO MAX series Rooster (2026).  Then the promo showed a young man telling Steve, "nice washboard (abs)," referring to the hunk on the cover of his book.  Later he seems to become Steve's sidekick.  So Steve probably writes gay novels, and probably has a gay sidekick.  Enough potential to review Episode 1.

Scene 1:  Famous novelist Greg Russo (Steve) looks morose as he is escorted through the elegant Spanish Colonial campus of Ludlow College (actually the University of the Pacific, Stockton).  He sees a n*ked old guy, who waves -- but his escort, Eric (Myles Perez, left), doesn't see anyone.  A hallucination?

Eric tells him to wait here, then zones him out and refuses to speak anymore.  Fortunately, Professor Shepherd, who arranged his campus visit,  is just walking up. 

He's nervous -- he writes trashy beach novels, not literature: "Characters you like do bedroom stuff characters you don't like get shot in the face."  Why would elite college students want to see him?  

Scene 2: The reading, in a giant lecture hall.  The students criticize his protagonist, Rooster, for describing the Girl in food terms during their 17 bedroom acts (18, if you count the bj). Isn't that sexist?  

Russo counters that she is strong and powerful -- she rescues Rooster, remember? "But she takes off her bikini top to do it."   A jock praises that scene: "The Girl is smokin'!"  Hey, isn't he the gay sidekick?  I'm starting to suspect that I've been tricked.

Scene 3: Next Russo meets the College President (John C. McGinley, the homophobic, sexist jerk on Scrubs).  He strips to his underwear to show off his physique: "You're thinking, most college presidents are bookish shut-ins, but this guy is jacked!" He looks like the n*ked guy from earlier.  So it wasn't a hallucination, just a crazy act that would never happen on any real college campus.

They allude to a "s&x scandal" involving Katie and Archie (not mentioned before), and the President offers Russo a job as Writer-in-Residence.  "But I didn't even go to college."  "Who cares?  It's over-rated."  Academic malaise at its snarkiest. 

 McGinley's backside on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Scene 4:  Next stop: Another giant lecture hall, a lecture on French impressionism, Monet at Giverny.  It's Russo's daughter Katie, a professor of art history (and the s*x scandal lady).  As the students leave, she notes that her Dad doesn't like interacting with other humans, so they can get extra credit for looking him in the eye and saying "I love you very much."  A student does it!

Next Katie points out that the college has asked Russo to do a reading a billion times; why agree now?  "Admit it -- you're checking up on me, to see if I'm ok after the s*x scandal."  We finally find out what it is: her husband Archie dumped her for a grad student.  Hetero Romance Problem #1.  

She has no idea why. Everything was normal, and then she was moving into the dead hockey coach's house.   Everybody on campus knows, and keeps staring at her and asking questions.  And it's difficult to avoid running into him or his new girlfriend on a small campus.  She's about to crack.

She points them out, sitting on a park bench.  "The girlfriend isn't even hot.  She's like a regular person.  Why did he dump me for her?"  Maybe he liked her personality?

As Russo peeks through the bushes, husband Archie and the girlfriend leave, and a lesbian couple notice him.  They think he's a perv, har har.   He runs away as they film him.  

Spoiler alert: This is set up to have consequences, like Russo being arrested, or the job offer rescinded, but it is never mentioned again.

Scene 5: Russo stops at a convenience store for some water.  Tommy (Maximo Salas), the jock from earlier, praises the Rooster books. Uh-oh, he forgot his id, so Russo buys his beer for him.  If he's under 21, you're in big trouble, buddy.

More after the break

The 12 most homophobic, heterosexist, and horrible songs

Heterosexism is commonplace in the "girl! girl! girl!' banter of popular music.  But some songs are so heterosexist, homophobic, or otherwise horrible that I literally can't stand to hear them.  If they come on tv, I click the channel, and if I can't find the remote, I run from the room.  If they're playing in a store, I leave. And heaven help the friend who starts singing one of them!

I'm not including songs that were intended to be homophobic, like "My Girl Bill" and "Big Bad Bruce."

1. "It's a Man's World" (James Brown, 1966)

It's a man's world, but you're nothing...nothing at all, without a woman (or a girl).

This from a guy who dresses like a 1950s housewife.

2. "She Bangs" (Ricky Martin, 2000).

A gay guy singing about how much he likes the way a girl moves, and then a pun on "shebang" and a dirty phrase for s*x.  Can't get any more Uncle Tom than that.

3. "Stand Tall" (Burton Cummings, 1976)

December of my junior  year: I was home sick, looking for a gay comic book, and thinking "No way am I a f*g!"  And I heard on the radio:

Stand tall, don't you fall, don't go and do something foolish
All you're feeling right now is silly human pride.

Right, not gay, don't do anything foolish.

4. "Lady" (Kenny Rogers, 1980).

I was in college, not out because of course no one came out in those days, negotiating the incessant "No homosexual has ever been a great writer" from professors and the "what girl do you like?" chants of my family and friends.  And I heard:

Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor, and I love you.
Let me hold you in my arms forever more....

5. "When Doves Cry" (Prince and the Revolution, 1984).

 I'm on my way to Hell-fer-Sartain State University in ugh...Texas or the worst year of my life, and this ultra-feminine, super-gay coded guy starts singing about a heterosexual breakup:

How can you just leave me standing, alone in a world so cold?
Maybe I'm just too demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold

6. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" (Judy Garland, 1944).

I've heard the first few words of this monstrosity many times, as I'm rushing to turn off the tv or run from the mall.  Once I was visiting my partner's cousins, and their kid started playing it..  I ran upstairs and hid in the bathroom for ten minutes, but when I emerged it was still playing!  

More (gulp!) after the break.

"Love and Anarchy": A prank war at a Stockholm publishing house, with two gay teases and male nudity

 Love and Anarchy appeared on my Netflix recommendations.  I clicked to see what it was about, forgetting that on Netflix, "click" means "start."  And since I was eating a bowl of Cheerios, I let it continue.

Link to the n*de photos

Scene 1: A harried middle-aged man and woman in a fancy house coordinating their calendars and telling their preteen son "No gaming at the breakfast table."  Dad is played by Johannes Bah Kuhnke, sweating below.

The woman chugs some espresso, talking about how this is her first day on the job. Teenage daughter comes in, not wearing the coat Dad bought for her.  This causes a crisis. Nuclear family squabbles.  Yawn. 

The woman goes upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom, and masturbates to porn on her cell phone.  Are we supposed to be titilated or judgmental, or are we to assume that she's having marital problems?  Everybody masturbates, but nobody admits that they do.

Scene 2: She is walking through a square in downtown Stockholm, at dusk or pre-dawn, checking her cell phone.  An older guy welcomes her to his publishing house.   He shows her to her new office, which is a disaster-area of books and manuscripts: the former senior editor was a bit of a hoarder.  

The older guy may be Ronni, the Publishing Company CEO, played by Bjorn Kjellman. He didn't have much of a physique in the 1990s, but he was rather well hung.

Scene 3: The woman -- Sofie -- giving a speech to the staff.  She's an independent consultant who saves publishing companies from bankruptcy by pushing them into the digital age, whether they like it or not. As she is ignoring a question about layoffs, a hot young guy comes in late and accidentally spills his drink over his crotch.  While he is dabbing at his bulge with a napkin, Sofie stares, mesmerized.

Scene 4: Sofie in her office, grimacing at the clutter.  Books --- ugh -- they might as well be stone tablets! As someone with a library of about 4,000 books, I am not amused.

 She piles some armloads of the relics outside her door to be trashed, and sees the hot young guy (Bjorn Mosten, top photo, left, and below) on a ladder drilling (and drilling...and drilling).  Receptionist tells her that he's Max, the IT Guy.  

"He doesn't usually do much drilling." 

 "Well, tell him to drill quietly!"

Max scoffs.  "How am I supposed to do my job?"  Receptionist doesn't answer; she's staring at his butt.  He storms out.

Scene 5: A publication meeting.  We are introduced to the Literary Drector (elderly guy) and the PR director (young woman), plus the intern who handles the social media presence (5000 followers on Instagram!).  PR Director wants to publish a novel "full of gay sex and drugs at an ayahuasca retreat," while Literary Director wants to publish a book of poetry about fir trees.   

Sofie suggests skipping the fir tree poems and tweaking the "gay sex and drugs" novel to draw the interest of heterosexual men. Heterosexist enabler!

Scene 5:  Dinner with the family.  Sofie complaining about how old-fashioned her clients are.  They don't even have digital book contracts!   Suddenly she gets a phone call and rushes upstairs, annoying her husband: "We're eating!"

It's a subplot about her elderly father, complaining about the working class unionizing.  She tells him to stop watching the news; it's upsetting and useless.

Scene 6:  Sofie in bed, reading a book while Husband snores.  Hey, I thought she hated books!  She sneaks into the bathroom to masturbate. 

Scene 7:  At work, they are signing the contract with the woman who wrote the "gay sex and drugs" novel. they just want some final revisions.  While Literary Director is trying to figure out how to take her photo with one of those newfangled cell phones, a Famous Author walks by, and he rushes out to hun: "I didn't see you at the club!"  Is Literary Director gay? 

Nope -- it was just a gay tease. 

It appears that the Famos Author sent the Gay-Sex-and-Drugs Author a dick pic (how did they even meet?), so PR Director wants to dump him, even though he's been their biggest moneymaker for 30 years. Literary Director asks what his dick has to do with his writing talent.  All literary geniuses have scandals.

Scene 8: Sofie reading reports.  Max starts drilling again. Drilling, drilling...She rushes out in a huff and demands that he not drill during work hours.  He says "What a bitch!" and storms off.  They'll be screwing by Episode 3. 

Scene 9:  Night.  Sofie still in the office, working.  Husband Johan is filming, so she calls the sitter to say that she'll be late, and please put the kids to bed.

Everyone's gone, so why not masturbate?   In an office with the blinds open, so anyone who comes into the main suite can see her?  At least close the blinds!

At that moment Max comes in -- she said don't drill during working hours -- and sees her.  He snaps a photo and leaves.

More Max after the break

The Season: Rich straight guys have problems, too. Even in Hong Kong. With some d*cks, yachts, and the dad from "Lost in Space"

Link to the n*de dudes

I've been fooled by two tv series and a movie today.

Voice mails for Isabelle: A guy sits by Golden Gate Bridge, complaining to his dead sister he can't find his people in San Francisco. Where are all the drag queens. It took me 20 minutes to figure out that it's actually a girl, not a gay guy.  She was wearing a hoodie and pants to trick you into watching.  

Booth Bangla: A guy plans his sister's wedding.  He doesn't express any heterosexual interest -- until halfway through the movie, when he meets the Girl of His Dreams.

Oasis: A family checks into an exclusive resort.  Two boys immediately meet the Girls of Their Dreams, and an established couple smooch.  I was holding out for the teenage daughter to be a lesbian because she keeps cruising girls.  Nope,  she meets the Boy of Her Dreams at Minute 12.  

Heck with it.  I'm watching The Season on Hulu, about "the glittering world of super-yachts, sun, and scandal" in Hong Kong.  At least there will be some nice exterior shots.

Episode 1 Prologue.  A woman tells us: "Hong Kong is a city of bloodlines.  It will destroy you."   An elegantly dressed middle-aged woman floats in the water outside a burning yacht.  She sinks.

Scene 1: Six weeks earlier.  A young woman jogs through Hong Kong.  Nice exterior shots.  Someone named Carrie calls, and tells her that her job today is impress the Hexts.  Impress them, and you've got it made in Hong Kong.

A taxi takes her through the forest to her destination, a mansion or institution.   Carrie ends her cardio work out to greet her.  Back story: Her name is Cola (I love your parents' products, girl!), she has graduated with a degree in economics and maths, and her classmate Carrie, a wealth mover, has invited her to come out to Hong Kong as an intern.  "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get a full-time job offer," Cola says.  Lie?  Steal?  Blow up yachts? 

The summer is Boating Season, where Hong Kong A-Listers decide who they will admit to their social network.  You have one chance to make a good impression; a single misstep, and you're out. 

Scene 2:  A lady, maybe Carrie, tells the staff that everything must be spotless, and asks Jon if he is ready for the maiden voyage.  "Bring on the Bacchanalia," he says in a bored/aesthete tone. He'll be telling the guests to "Diversity at your own risk."  He must be gay.

His teenage daughter sneers: "Great small talk, dad."  Nope. 

On the way upstairs to change, Jon asks a Male Staffer, "Is everything ready?"  Maybe they are having an affair. Wife, now calling him Christopher, says "I really need this to work."

Why the changed name?  It turns out that Bored Aesthete is Christopher (Toby Stephens, the Dad on Lost in Space).  Jon (Lee-Jai Yoon, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) is the Male Staffer.  Wife asked him a question while she was walking away from him, toward Christopher, who answered for him.

Scene 3: Cola and Carrie enter the yacht.  They're joined by a guy named Andrew Fung (Chris Pang of Crazy Rich Asians), who was in St. Tropez, but it's too hot in Europe. "Global warming is so inconvenient."

When Carrie introduces Cola, Andrew teases "A younger, hotter version of you?" Heterosexual identity established in his second sentence.  His "lovely wife" Niki arrives and is introduced.  Her family owns the Harbor Club, and are the bitter rivals of the Hexts, whom they are there to impress.  

Next Jay and Sara Byford (Jai Dai, top photo), from Melbourne, arrive and kiss up to Andrew and his Lovely Wife, but he doesn't like them.  

He does like Hong Kong's most eligible bachelor, David Ho (Justin Chien, left). Maybe he's.....

Confused by the plethora of names?  Don't worry; all you really need to know is that everyone is very rich, very bored, and heterosexual.  

Back story: the family from Scene 2 are Christopher and Fiona Hext.  This is their yacht.  Wait -- everyone is here to impress them.  Why are they concerned about the day going well?  Spoiler alert: they're having financial problems.

Sceme 4: Cola is introduced to the Hext Family.  "How nice to see some new faces!" Fiona Hext exclaims.

Cola is turned on by a semi-shirtlessC hunk with his lady, but Carrie warns her: "God, no, that's Matthias! Just a personal trainer, not rich.  Ignore." Heterosexual identity established at Minute 11.

Left: Lincoln Younes, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends, plays Matthias the Personal Trainer, Gigolo, Drug Dealer, and Actor.

Dirt on the Hexts: "Christopher's family practically invented colonialism, and Fiona's Old Hong Kong money fueled it."  

Scene 5: Eligible Bachelor is helping the Captain pilot the ship.  Christopher Hext takes over and asks how things are going since the divorce.  It must be rough.  After all, he and Lian were together for 13 years. Don't get your hopes up -- Lian can be used for any gender, but 2/3rds of the time, it's a girl.  And gay marriage is not permitted in Hong Kong, so he would have to establish residence somewhere else if Lian was a guy.

"You're right, I'm miserable.  How are you doing?"

"Miserable, too."  

More after the break