"Peter Pan & Wendy": A girl doesn't want to grow up, until she meets the Boy of Her Dreams

Ever since I first encountered the Peter Pan mythos at the age of eight or nine, I've found some aspects disturbing: the kid wearing the top hat; the dog-nanny; sewing a shadow to your feet;  the boys in animal costumes;thinking that Wendy is a bird; the fairy who drinks poison, and you have to yell "I believe in fairies," or she'll die. Even Wendy's last name, Darling, gives me a creepy vibe.

 So I don't intend to watch Peter Pan and Wendy a feature film that just dropped on Disney Plus.  

Besides, I know the plot: it's the story told from Wendy's point-of-view: a girl who doesn't want to grow up, until she meets Peter.  If growing up means getting to kiss a cute boy, she's in!  On the way, we'll see a racially diverse cast and some stabs at gender equality: Peter's cadre of lost kids isn't just boys, and Wendy gets to do some sword fighting.  But otherwise it's "boys are the meaning of life," with Wendy, Tinker Bell (the fairy), and Tiger Lily (the local tribal princess) competing over the Boy of their Dreams.  The distaff side of the same old story I heard a thousand times growing up in the 1970s.

So instead of wasting my time on the racially-inclusive, gender-inclusive, gay-free Peter Pan, I'll check the cast list for beefcake.  First the grown-ups.

1. Jude Law as Captain Hook, the pirate obsessed with capturing Pan.  Nice physique, but I'll wager it's kept under wraps.  He doesn't display any heterosexual interest in most of the movie versions, but in the stage show, he gets turned on by a "mysterious lady" who happens to be Peter Pan in a veil.  

2, Alan Tudyk as Wendy's Dad, whose horrible, soul-destroying job at a bank convinces her that growing up leads to to a life of quiet desperation.  Geez. you live in London.  Take her to the British Museum to see the Rosetta Stone.  That alone makes life worthwhile.

I won't bother with Jim Gaffigan (Hook's sidekick Smee) or any of the other pirates, who appear in the trailer as groteque.

On to the juveniles.  Hopefully in the 2 years since the movie was filmed, some have graduated to young-adult hunkiness.

3. Alexander Moloney as Peter.  He's 16, and presented with Ever Anderson (Wendy) as a sultry "are they or aren't they?" power couple (see top photo), but more little boy than dreamy teen idol.

4. Joshua Pickering as John (the kid in the top hat), age 15.  No teen idol here, either, although Disney seems to be trying to push him into it.  

5. Noah Matthews Matofsky (left) as one of the lost kids. He should be commended for being the first actor with Down's Syndrome to be cast in a major role in a Disney movie, but at age 15, his beefcake potential is still in the future.

I'll come back in a few years, when he's starring in something else.