The Chelsea Detectives (2022-25), on Amazon Prime, is a series of movies featuring murders in the posh Chelsea neighborhood of London, investigated by "will they or won't they" inspectors Max and Layla (Adrian Scarborough, Vanessa Emme).
Adrian (bum on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) is quite different from the usual American "will they or won't they" leading man: Pierce Brosnan in Remington Steele, Tony Danza in Who's the Boss, Ted Danson in Cheers, or Bruce Willis in Moonlightning (famous accidental d*ck shot on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).
But if the painter is being accurate, he's got a bigger d*ck than any of them.
I looked through all of the episodes to find one that didn't involve a husband with a dead wife or a "devoted family man," and came up with Episode 2, Mrs. Romono. It may even have a lesbian couple.
Intro: Establishing shots of the Thames, then Max rides his bike through Chelsea, past Cadogan Hall and Sloane Square, but not Harrod's.
He calls for Astrid, who is getting ready to go out, but all he needs is the name of her friend who deals with rare books. He's got some first editions from Dad's shop that the dealer might like.
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Uh-oh, here comes Astrid's date, played by Michael D. Xavier. Having been defeated by a guy with a bigger d*ck, Max retreats. I thought they were siblings? She must be an ex-girlfriend.
Rare books are not mentioned again in the episode, darn it.
Scene 2: Robyn Romano, influencer, author of a bestselling cookbook, and owner of the famous La Famiglia Restaurant, has a lot of problems that could result in murder:
1. The Delivery Guy wanted to stay to the end of the month, but she wants him out now
2. She goes to the kitchen and kisses the other Mrs. Romano a dozen times, while the chef growls (must be homophobic).
3. The Other Mrs. Romano wants to make a big announcement, but it's too soon. They argue.
4. She argues with the Other Mrs. Romano's son, Luca (Cayvan Coates): "You agreed not to upset your Mum. I'm helping you."
"Growl, growl."
In What it Means, a two-person play about Merle Miller, whose essay "What it Means to Be a Homosexual" became one of the early texts in the Gay Liberation Movement, Cayvan Coates plays the Boy from Pittsburgh. He also stars in Alfie's Island, a short about two former boyfriends (Cayvan, Liv Ello) hoping to reconnect, and kissing a lot.
Definitely gay in real life; presumably his character is gay, too.
Scene 3: Time for the murder. Late at night, Robyn goes home -- to her house right on the Thames -- hears a noise, notices that the glass door to the patio is broken, and goes outside to investigate. Dumb! A scream! A neighbor calls the politce.
More after the break
Scene 4: In the morning, Max, who lives on a houseboat on the Thames, gets the call. "Sounds like a missing person case." He examines a signed Romano Family Cookbook from the 1970s.
At the scene -- hey, he's working with someone named Priya, not the advertised "will they or won't they" partner Layla -- he notes that the Romano Family has owned La Famiglia, a Chelsea institution-for generations,.
The dets: a scream, a broken door, blood in the driveway, and Robyn's car is missing. Uh-oh, she was kidnapped!
Interview with the Other Mrs. Romano, who from now on will be called OMR : Robyn left the restaurant at 9:00 am, taking the car. She stuck around until half 10:00, then walked home, arriving at 20 past 11:00. I love British time-keeping. She saw the broken door, and figured it was a bird. Why didn't she notice that her wife was missing? And by the way, it's OMR's restaurant. Robyn is just in charge of advertising and public relations.
Interview with the the Neighbor: OMR's husband disappeared 15 years ago -- she probably killed him. Their son Luca, a "good boy" who is studying catering, usesd to live with them, but now he's vanished, too. "I'm not saying that OMR murdered the lot of them, but it's very curious, if you ask me."
Interview with the Growling Chef, Jonno (Joseph Millson, top photo and left). He's OMR's cousin, and not homophobic; he just hates Robyn because she jumped in and tried to make all sorts of changes to the family restaurant.
He confirms OMR's alibi.
By the way, OMR's son Luca is supposed to be working, but he only shows up for a shift to steal money from the till.
Scene 5: There are muddy footprints in the back yard: Max identifies the shoes as Adidas Superstars (a regular Sherlock Holmes, him). And there are a lot of others up in Luca's room.
"But he wouldn't hurt Robyn!" OMR exclaims. "He dotes on her."
They're estranged, so OMR doesn't have his new number, but his girlfriend Nix might. Darn, I was hoping he would be gay. A lesbian couple is ok, but that's like 90% of LGBT representation on tv. I'd like some gay men once in a while.
Interview with Luca's Girlfriend Nix: She works as a waitress at the restaurant. They used to date, but they broke up last year due to his drug use. Funny, OMR would know that. One of you is lying.
She only sees him when he comes in for a shift, like yesterday, when he came in, argued with Robyn, and left.
"Was he having problems?"
"Of his own making." On his 21st birthday, last year, his Mum offered to make him manager of the restaurant. A druggie who steals from the till? But he refused.
"Did you see anything unusual last night?"
"Just Lanfranco, the Delivery Guy, who has a thing for Robyn, arguing with her."
When she leaves to return to work, Max notices the same shoes that they found prints of in the back yard! Red herring.
Interview with the Delivery Guy(Martin Marquez): He dislikes Robyn -- she's a gold-digger. Besides, she sacked him for being late a few times, but said that he could work through the end of the month. Then she changed her mind and told him to just leave!
His last delivery last night was right next to Robyn's house,, at 23:02, just before the kidnapping!
And he's lying about being Italian.
Interview with the Other Waitress: Max asks if Robyn "puts anyone's back up". "No, everybody loves her." She's lying.
What about her wife? "Lovebirds."
What about OMR's husband who disappeared 15 years ago? "Um...er...um...I wouldn't know anything about that."
I'm out of space, but you should have enough clues by now to figure out whodunit:
The Growling Chef?The Thieving Son?
The Fired Delivery Guy?
The Mysterious Missing Husband?
The Wife?
Beefcake: Not in the show.
Other Sights: A lot of Chelsea exteriors.
Gay Characters: The two Mrs. Romanos. Everyone is completely nonchalant about them, by the way. They are a married couple like any married couple.
Heterosexism: Just Luca and Nix, and whatever Detective Max had going on with Astrid and her big-dick boyfriend.
My Grade: B.
See also: My Boyfriend's Secret Bookcase, and What it Means to be Different
Gangs of London:A gay assassin, his boyfriend, some s*x parties, and a lot of violence and d*cks
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