Snakes and Ladders: A teacher and her gay son squabble with a chocolate heir, the Spanish counsul, and a closeted hunk

Link to the n*de dudes

I've never played the game "Snakes and Ladders" but apparently you move your piece up by landing on ladders and down by landing on snakes.  It's the title of several tv series and movies, most recently the Mexican Serpientes y Escaleras on Netflix. The promo shows a femme guy with orange hair at a party, heading for the bathroom, encountering a conservative guy ("on the right"), and having a conversation with awesome tension. Ok, so let's go, Episode 1.1.

Scene 1: Some kids playing in a school yard.  A boy with blue eyeglasses and a girl get into a tussle, while the playground monitor looks horrified and the narrator tells us that "ethics" means "moral character," following the norms of the society. 

Cut to the Playground Monitor, aka the Prefect  putting on her prim schoolmarm outfit and walking through her mansion to kiss her pink-haired son.  He promises to come to lunch later.  She writes "I Deserve to Be Headmistress" in her notebook (aha, a micro-authority position, like Vice Principal), drives past the Millenium Arches that identify her city as Guadalajara, and arrives at the Colegio Andes (a grade school), only to find her friend Roque (Alfredo Gatica) passing out fliers for her competitor.

The Prefect yells at him. He responds: "She asked.  What could I do?"

N*de photos of Alfredo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Scene 2: She is called to the Headmistress's office to meet the parents of the blue-eyeglassed boy: Dadis the super-handsome Vicente (Martino Rivas, top photo and left) aka His Excellency Don Vicente Garcia, the Spanish Counsul.  Uh-oh, super-powerful.

The girl's father is dorky-looking Mr. Muriel, aka the Chocolate King, the head of Mexico's biggest chocolate company. 

Mr. and Mrs. Counsul claim that the girl grabbed the boy's private place. 

Chocolate King: "No way!  She's six years old,  too young to know about such things!"

The Prefect was there, but couldn't see well enough to affirm or deny that it happened.

Headmistress adjourns the meeting until tomorrow, and then yells at the Prefect: "You will write a statement indicating that you saw exactly what happened, and it will be what the Counsul wants to hear!"

The kids are still friends, but the parents forbid them from seeing each other again. In other news: The Chocolate King is the ex-boyfriend of Vicente's wife, and thinks that she came back to rekindle their romance. "No, my husband got a job here." Maybe he was better looking in the old days.

Scene 3: The Prefect and her friend discuss whether to say that the daughter did it or not.  The Chocolate King is the most popular parent in the school, but the Spanish Counsul!

At home, her bigoted, abusive ex-husband is visiting. There's a problem with their pink-haired son, Antonio: he's been gambling, and owes a lot of people money -- the Mafia!  She doesn't believe him.  They argue about who is the worse parent.  Then Antonio comes in and asks to borrow a little money. They start yelling at him: "I've raised you under the framework of ethics and morality!"

Uh-oh, the Chocolate King arrives in his limo, so Prefect tells them both to go out smiling, as if they're the perfect family.

Scene 4: The Chocolate King wants the Prefect to say that his daughter didn't do it, so she's not stigmatized as a s*x offender at age six. 

When the Prefect balks, he gives the back story: Once he was engaged to Mrs. Garcia.  Then he got another girl pregnant, so he had to marry her instead.  She went to Spain, married Counsul Garcia, and now she's back, trying to prove that her husband is bigger.  

"Here's my card. Call me if you have any wish you want me to fulfill.  And believe me, I can fulfill them all."  Whew, this dude is creepy.

More after the break

Scene 5: The Prefect consults a Tarot card reader, who says that she's not going to make Headmistress. "But a week ago, they said I would make it.  What happened?"  The cards say: "No matter who you decide on, the other parent will try to destroy you."

Pink-Haired Antonio comes in to ask if she's thought about lending him the money. The Prefect: "I'm tired of trying to make you a good person.  I'm done."

"But I'm in danger."

"Tough. I have my own problems."

Scene 6: The second meeting with the parents, where the Prefect has to tell "what really happened."  Her verdict: it was a minor scuffle.  If the girl did it, she had no malicious intent. So we won't do an expulsion, but we'll transfer the boy to another class.

The Counsul is irate: "This is going to reach the King's ears." He means King Felipe VI of Spain.  Are we going to start a war over a scuffle?

The parents storm out.  The Headmistress is irate. 

Outside, the Chocolate King wants to know why the Prefect decided the way she did. "It was the right thing to do."  He promises to help her win over the mothers in her quest to become Headmistress: "I'm popular with the mother. I'm handsome, rich, and widowed."  Handsome?  You're a gargoyle, dude.  He's having a party tonight with a lot of mothers.  Maybe she can come?

Scene 7: As the Prefect is leaving to go to the party, she runs into Pink-Haired Antonio making a shady business deal.  He explains that no one would lend him the money, so he has to do it.

Cut to Mrs. Counsul getting ready for dinner with the Governor, complaining that Mr. Murillo is slimey and mixed up with organized crime (blurry shot of the Counsul in his underwear).  She suggests that tonight they tell the Governor about the school where students are constantly being assaulted, and the staff doesn't care.

"I don't want to bother the governor with such a trifle."

"If you're too weak and cowardly to do anything, I understand.  It's just that some of the wives might make fun of me for being married to a man with no guts."  

Scene 8: The Prefect arrives at the party, and runs into Nico (Germán Bracco) ,an old student, and his girlfriend, the eldest daughter of the Chocolate King. 

"So, do you remember my son Antonio?  You used to play with him."

"Nope, doesn't ring a bell."

They leave, but a hunk (with closeups of eyes and chin) offers to escort her into the party, so she won't be embarrassed going in alone.

She wanders about, looking terribly out of place -- her dress is about 50 years out of style and she hasn't even combed her hair, while all of the background players were hired directly from the lists of The Most Attractive People in Mexico.  Chocolate King runs up and tells her that it isn't a costume party.  

Still, he announces her to the supermodels...I mean parents, and she walks around, passing out her resume. 

Scene 9: Nico and his girlfriend kiss, put on weird masks, and start their nefarious plan: burglarizing a richter's house while they're at Daddy's party. 

Nico's junk is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Meanwhile, the Prefect wants to leave, so she tracks down the Chocolate King to say goodbye, and finds him snorting cocaine with his friend. 

Scene 10: Remember the Counsul and Mrs. Counsul having dinner with the Governor?  It's in a restaurant, where they choose lobsters from a tank. 

When the Counsul goes to the bathroom, Mrs. Counsel spills it about their son's school.  "Wait, your son goes to school with that horrible monster's daughter?"  "Yes -- awful, isn't it?  Could I ask you for a favor?"

Scene 11: At the party, the Prefect gets a phone call: Pink-Haired Antonio getting beat up while yelling "Mom, I'm going to pay you!"

Left: Antonio (Benny Emmanuel) without the pink hair.  

As she is rushing out, she notices that the Chocolate King's friend has died of a drug overdose!  She wants to call a doctor, but he refuses. "These things happen.  I'll take care of it.  Don't say anything.  You were never here!" The end.

Except everyone dances over the closing credits, and the Counsul and his wife take their clothes off.  Weird.  Was this supposed to be a comedy?

Coming Up: Antonio actually is an aspiring artist. He and "I'm not gay" Nico start dating, then break up over Nico's refusal to come out, then reconcile.  Antonio's father turns out to be terribly homophobic, but everyone else is gay-positive.

And: The Prefect and the Chocolate King start dating!  She actually likes his creepy come-ons!

Bonus: Alfredo Garcia's stuff on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also:

Alberto Ferreira: Not the gay guy in "The Other Side" or "Bad Education," but at least he has a big one

Searching for Nate Stone through pastors, pole vaulters, stars, photographers, and a plethora of body parts

"The Resort": Skyler Gisondo disappears on Christmas Day at a creepy Mayan resort